Right now I am just sitting and waiting…
Imagine me maybe, at the beach, but I’m quite far away from the water. Just sitting on a blanket in the sand, curled up, thinking… my chin is probably resting on my hand, and I just wait.
Life has been throwing so much crazy stuff at me lately that all I can do is wait. What’s next?
I don’t wait anxiously, or scared, or sad, or happy. Well, maybe slightly happy. I’m not completely indifferent to whatever comes along, but I’m prepared for anything. I’m just happy to be here, sitting on the blanket by the sea. Hmm… I’ll go in order. Because that’s the only way I can make sense out of it.
Yesterday at around 6PM I was at work, sitting on the counter under the little marquee in the box office. I’m taking down the matinee times and talking to Brandy, and I feel happier than I have in a long time. Justin and I had been flirting all day, and have both acknowledged the fact that we like each other. We even talk about it to other people at work, so everybody knows, and everyone feels sorry for us because we can’t be together. It’s just so odd, how open we are about it. I think it’s because we know that’s all we have. I caught him writing some poetry, and he let me read it. It was so wonderful. It reminded me of Hemingway’s writing, so that’s my new nickname for Justin. I also wrote a few things and let him read it. And we find this new link: our love for writing, for capturing a moment inside a web of words. He’s so much like me, the way we see life and how deep we feel things. We just talked forever yesterday, about life, about love, about families, about school. We also flirted a lot. But I’m getting sidetracked…
So I’m talking to Brandy, and she says that Justin told her he knows how I feel, in the fact that it’s so frustrating that we can’t be together. And I realize that I think I’m beginning to fall in love. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that. I’ve felt attraction to people, and I think with Doug I got really close, but with Justin, it’s mutual. I felt an elation that I didn’t even realize I had missed. The best part is that even though I know and he knows it’s impossible for us, we still fall. Because this feeling is just too nice.
He said so many sweet things about me all day. I just can’t beleive how wonderful he is. It just figures that it wouldn’t work. He gave me a ride home, and we talked before I went inside. He said he told a friend about me and that there’s some good out of this, it’s a testament to his faith, because he really really wants to go out with me, but he doesn’t. I know it can’t work… I just want to hold onto this feeling a little longer…
After work, I talked to Dan a long time. He pointed out that I talk about myself too much, and that I treat the guys I’m with like crap. I realized that everything he was saying was completely true, and I’ve been rethinking everything. I think from now on, I’ll save the talking about myself for my journal, so if people want to know, they’ll just read it. And I’m so sorry to the people I treated badly, namely Eric and Randy. I hope you guys can forgive me. I am a good person at heart, and I think you realize that.
Also last night, I began to get this sick feeling. It’s hard to describe. Randy used to try to explain it to me, about how he felt when he thought of Eric and I, but I only partly understood. But now I understand because last night, Randy told me that him and Samantha kissed.
What gets me about life is that there are so many feelings. There’s an infinite amount between the good and the bad and a million different combinations you can have with all those. I think I feel something new almost every day. There’s just so much to feel, that I don’t think you could ever run out. And you can always revisit those feelings that you especially liked. Even the ones you especially hated. So I’m thinking, maybe the point isn’t what you feel, it’s that you feel at all. That you know you’re alive, and the whole blessed experience of discovering these feelings.
So I’m going to sit, and wonder what’s next, but I won’t spend too much time on it, because I know it probably won’t be what I’m expecting. I’ll just try to enjoy the ride, and maybe if I just sit and really look at how beautiful everything is, I’ll come to understand what my purpose is on this big blue sphere.
Lindsey @ 5.36PM
Leave a Reply