Wow. Time is really tickin away. *suddenly scared at the thought of being 19* I don’t want to be any closer to being an adult!! I’m not ready! *calms* Sorry. I think I’m just freaking out b/c I woke up really early for no reason at all and it’s storming. Nice big fat raindrops. Usually these things are calming… oh, well. Wow. Big lightning. Not feeling real sure about being on the compy now…
I was looking at some other blogs, and they’re powered by blogger.com and all that… I’m just using straight html. I don’t understand why more people don’t, it’s so much easier to open notepad than to mess with blogger. Geez! More lightning. *sigh* See ya.
Lindsey @ 8:06AM
I am so funny. I just can’t stop talking. When I’m with someone I really know and trust (or the compy), I just let my mouth start talking about all the things that are running around in my head. I won’t shut up! At least I don’t do that to people I don’t know extremely well. I have a friend that talks so much, I think her head is going to explode. And she does that to EVERYBODY. Of course, she’s kind of clueless, and really sweet, so it doesn’t really bother anyone, but I don’t think I would get the same results.
I’m in the middle of reading this really good blog. I like to know the whole story about things, so when I read a blog, I have to read the WHOLE thing. From the beginning. It’s kind of a obsessive-compulsive thing, so I try to pick out the very best ones. This one is rather depressing, but very good. Go here if you really must. This is one of those blogs that is so in depth it feels like it should be a secret.
I feel so weird, being up this early. It’s been a weird week. Weird is okay, though. Sometimes. Last night was really strange. I’m not going to go into it. Unlike a real journal, people, close people, read this. That’s the only bad thing about it. I’m not really sure if I want everyone to know ALL my true feelings. Some things are better left in secret. Some things I’ve been hiding should be brought out in the open before things get worse. I feel like I’m talking in code. Enough with that.
I feel really sad. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this. I’ve felt sad because someone died, and sad because my heart was broken, and sad because life sucked, but this is different. It’s like I know I’m going to be sad soon, because every time I start to feel happy something goes wrong. I’m usually so optimistic!! But I can feel it. I’m almost afraid to be truly happy because that’s when I’ll screw everything up. Anyway, things seem different… and I know everything has to change, because that’s the way life goes. But it happens so fast! No time to adjust. A few days ago, I was used to my little world. Pretty happy, even though there was that nagging “alone, nobody understands me” feeling. I felt so fake all the time, except with my mom, Randy, and Beth (who was in Indiana), and I didn’t really act like myself in front of anybody. I didn’t even realize I was doing that until the other day! But I was, and I was content with it, when Eric and I started talking. And then, there was somebody who understood, someone like me, who pointed out that I was never alone, and the people just like us were right under my nose and I couldn’t even see them. I still know I’m different, though. I know Eric’s different. I didn’t get the alone feeling around him. I felt at peace and in tune with myself, even while surrounded by other people and that NEVER happens. Not even with Beth, who is my bestest, bestest friend in the whole world.
Things are radically different, and I can’t help but feel the slightest apprehension of what the future will bring. I know this is helping me grow and mature and understand myself better, because ever since me and Eric’s talk I’ve been soul searching, looking around inside myself to see if there’s anything else stupid I’ve been doing and not realizing. When I grow as a person, I do it in leaps. Every time it happens, I’m so amazed at how much more I know about myself, but then the next time, I feel like I didn’t know anything before. I’ve been kind of shaky, almost terrified, the kind of fear you get when you realize the world wasn’t what you thought it was. In fact, you were WAY off. Dimensions.
I think I’m gonna go back to sleep. I just want to say that people make mistakes, and they screw up, and they go too far, but you can’t blame them for wanting to learn something new, and people are far more forgiving than it seems (I hope). I’m loathing myself right now. Every time I meet someone who is going to be a really good friend, someone so close to my heart, I manage to bash all trust they had in me as soon as possible. Who knows, maybe I’m shielding myself out of fear of being hurt, something else stupid I didn’t know I was doing. *sigh* Okay, going.
Lindsey @ 9:55AM
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