You know how you come to a point where you can’t go back? Well, I am at one of those points. Actually, it has already passed and left me behind. I broke up with Randy, and even though there weren’t any feelings left, I was with him for TWO AND A HALF YEARS. And it hurts more than anything. Somewhere deep inside… and I can’t believe how hard it is. Now I’m alone. And it hurts. It hurts so bad. I hate how calm and normal I can be in the daytime and then cry my heart out at night, when it’s just me and I have nowhere or nobody else to run to. We have been through so much, and it’s almost impossible to just… throw all that away. But I can’t go back. I know it. I know it’s for good this time… and that’s what hurts. All I can do now is face forward, and hope things will get better, because they always do. I know God will help me through it. That’s another thing that’s worrying me. I’ve been reading the book “The Prayer of Jabez,” and it’s really good, and I’ve been praying the prayer, but it’s not working. It’s like the connection between me and God has been closed off somehow. I know God doesn’t do that, so it must be me, but I just don’t know what it is. I’ve prayed for forgiveness of my sins, and I’ve prayed to recieve God’s blessing, but I just don’t feel it. And Satan is not attacking me. That’s a bad sign. Or maybe he is and I’ve just forgotten how to recognize it. I don’t know. But anyway, so now I am automatically thrust back into the fields of lonely souls, millions of people searching for that single one, the one that is their perfect soul mate. But I think I am not going to look right now. The truth is, I have noticed someone, but I don’t want to be involved at all right now. (Is that stupid? To not want to like someone but you just… do?) So why do I still act like a nervous idiot around him? It’s crazy. I KNOW this is just a rebound crush. Must stop. But I can’t help looking at him and wondering if he feels the same way? Even just a little bit? I have always wondered that, about every guy that I’ve ever liked. Whether they liked me back or not. Now that I pretty much know the signs, I can look back and think, “Wow. He did like me. Heehee, me and my irresistable charm.” RIGHT. Anyway. But in the present, I have no clue at all. But… I have an idea. And that’s enough. For now.
Lindsey @ 10:43PM
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