The world is quiet today.
After class, I ate at Flo’s, and on the way back through campus, I walked under a canopy of trees. It seemed like even nature was silent. It’s been cloudy and windy today, and there’s just been this… feeling in the air. Like anticipation. Like the world is watching and waiting. There’s hardly any people out and if they are, they don’t speak. It’s really an eerie sort of feeling. It’s been a day of inner reflection. I keep thinking about where my life is going and the fact that I can never make a decision. I took the SIGI test, the one that’s supposed to help you find the right career, and I left more confused than when I started. Thinking, I realized I’ve really already made that decision, by majoring in chemistry. So I’m just going to go with it and see where it leads me. I guess I’m not going to worry about it. Which is weird. First I want to concentrate on school and finances more than love, and now I’ve stopped worrying about this. I guess this is growth, but it’s strange.
I had a long night last night. I didn’t really sleep much, and I had a long talk with God. I’ve realized that my life really isn’t in my own hands, and instead of worrying about every little detail I should just trust him for once. So maybe things will get better.
I’ve been told by a few adeptives (what I call people who show a little psychic ability through their religious beliefs) that they have a feeling I’m going to be taken advantage of. I also had this feeling a few days ago so I’m really watching it. I’ve been paying more attention to coincidences lately, like it says in The Celestine Prophecy (Awesome book. You must read it.). The other day I kept getting messages from different people to listen to the song “Goodbye to You” by Michelle Branch. It turns out that the song fit perfectly into my current situation. So listen to what the universe is trying to tell you!
Lindsey @ 5.25PM
I am so sad…
I want to reach out to him so badly. Everything in me is crying out for it, but I just… can’t. This hysterical crying part of me is begging to get out, to do whatever it takes because I miss him and love him so much. But I can’t. Just when I think I’m going to cave in something holds me back. I don’t know if it’s my own stubborn-ness, or some higher purpose, but…
It hurts so badly inside. And it hurts even more to let it out. I think I’m going to start packing. No, I can’t. But I will anyway.
Lindsey @ 7.56PM
The sadness envelopes me. There’s no part of me that it doesn’t touch. The first time Randy broke my heart, he was afraid of commitment, so he stopped seeing me. For a month and a half I was an empty shell… with empty tears… and empty pain. Now I’m full… full of everything, and that only makes it hurt worse. Is this love? If I had 6 months to live I would move down there tomorrow, and spend every second with him. But I have more than that, and I have to plan things… but i’m so sad. If I go down there, and we get married… what if I make the biggest mistake of my life? But if I stay here, and let him slip away… what if I make the biggest mistake of my life?
Lindsey @ 11.01PM
O… kay. You know that sadness I was feeling? It’s now replaced with 1/3 anger, 1/3 relief, and 1/3 just plain wonder at how weird life is. Turns out, Randy doesn’t even want me to come down there. I can’t believe it. Well, at least that decision is made, and I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I feel… surprisingly not sad at all. I feel like I just want to laugh and laugh until I can’t anymore. God, life is funny.
Lindsey @ 11.58PM
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