My god, what is wrong with me? Why do I always end up feeling so frustrated and stupid and knowing it’s my fault? Why do I get so jealous? I feel like an immature 12 year old. So mixed up, so starved for attention, so unsure of herself. This shouldn’t happen at 18. I’m going to have to admit that I am freaking out because I’m 19 in about 8 days. I didn’t really want to say it, because that would mean I’m not normal and I’m not pleasing everyone. I HATE THAT. Not that I’m not pleasing everyone, but that I care so much about it. Why can’t I just be myself and just mellow out? I used to think I was mellow, with a type B personality, who just went with the flow. But now I realize that was my fake self, who really did try her hardest to get along with everyone, and felt like a complete failure if someone looked at her wrong. I have never been, nor probably ever will be, mellow. I am at peace and/or in tune with myself at times, which is different, but I’m just not a mellow person.
I got my first present for my b-day today, and it was a watch. This is extremely funny to me, seeing as how I want time to slow down, because I’m not ready to be 19. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never been scared to turn another year older. They truthfully didn’t have that much meaning to me except I got presents and it was the nicest time of the year. Now… now, I think I’m going crazy. I have 8 days to prepare myself, and it’s NOT ENOUGH. God, I feel so lost, I think I’m going to cry. This has been one of the worst nights of my life. I’m stuck in between three feelings: wishing I was out of my current situation, for just a second; happy that I’m in my current situation; and wishing I had this power over the world that everyone would love me, and want to spend every waking moment with me. Not because I made them, but because they really wanted to, because of some wonderful thing they saw in me.
I have never felt this stupid about my own actions in my entire life. And it feels like I have a deadline (my b-day) to sort out all these feelings, make everything right, and get ready for another year. I just want to say to Eric and Betha, I am so sorry for being such an inconsiderate little spaz. I have never looked inside myself so deeply, and I’ve seen all these terrible things about me, and I guess to get rid of them, I have to go through them again. But I’m not hating myself or feeling bad about me, because I know this is the only way to truly love myself and be happy. I don’t even need to ask you to stand by me and wait until I get through this because I know you’re such good friends, you would anyway. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, which I think I’m looking at right now. I see problems I tried to deny I had and the wonderful love of my wonderful friends.
Lindsey @ 2:00AM
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