They were talking about love. Were they? She knits her brows… she can’t exactly remember. He sits at the computer, looking at her pointedly. He’s pointing at her playlist with the mouse. All the songs are about love. Suddenly her mind is in a panic. Was she deluding herself? She had felt so closed, so protected. She enjoyed the fact that she could push it all out of the way and lock it out of her life. Had she been wrong? Had she really felt she had gotten so far when all this time, she was still obsessed with love? He was still looking at her, only with pity and understanding now. She hated his pity. She hated her confusion. No, this was not right! Not right! She wasn’t still this weak! Hot tears poured down her cheeks and he could only look at her. “Stop…” she breathed, mouth quivering as she futily tried to stop her tears. “I don’t want… your pity. I don’t want… love. I just… ” But she couldn’t continue. She had been sitting on the floor, now she couldn’t help but lean over and bury her face in her hands on the carpet. He spoke: “I know you want to be with somebody. I just… ” He faltered, and she looked up at him. “I don’t want you to love me. I don’t want anybody to love me that doesn’t want to. I want…” She gazed at nothing. “I want somebody to want to love me. Not because I want them to. Because they really want to love and know every single part of me. I need that. Dammit, after all I’ve been through, I still need that.” Her tears slowing, she sat a moment looking wistful and finally whispered, “It’s been so long since I remember feeling anything like that. And memory itself can trick us.” Another pause. “I don’t think… it ever existed.”
Ok. You’re going to think I’m a terrible person. I feel like I’m cheating. But… I have another journal. I know, I know… how could I do such a thing? It doesn’t mean anything!!! Really. sigh I give up. I’m just going to say sorry and hope you’ll forgive me. Here, I’ll link you. 😀
In other news, I’m going to see Lord of the Rings tomorrow on IMAX!!! I’m so excited!! Can’t wait!! I need to call Debbie and Mosby. Argh. Will do that right now…. Okay… no answer at Debbie’s…. Mosby answered! Yay! But I woke him up! Oopsie. Well, he’s still at school and not going to be back by Friday night, so I’ll guess I’ll see it w/ Debbie and Mo sometime next week. It’s just me and Tony tomorrow!
Okay, I am WAAY into Rich Girls. I got to see the newest episode today, and it made me so sad!! Ally and Jaime went to London with Ally’s friend Liz, and Jaime and Liz were so competing for Ally’s attention!! And the whole episode was fighting. Terrible. 🙁 I want the show to be funny again. I want Ally and Jaime to stay best friends. sigh I should so be one of their friends. I would be the mediator.
Where is Eric lately? Still off the Internet? I need to give him a ring. I never did get to say happy b-day. Okay, got his voicemail. Are you alive Eric? Are you lying in a ditch somewhere? I’ll find Lassie and rescue you, especially if you’re trapped in the well.
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