Okay, all the recipients of my UPDATE FREAKS! e-mail, you guys know that I meant that with all the love in my heart, right? It’s just because I miss you guys, and reading about your lives on a journal thing is about the closest I get to being with you. So… *sniff, sniff* now that I’ve had my guilt moment… 😉
Life has been really strange lately. There’s just a lot of new stuff, and I’m having trouble dealing. I think I’d better back off a little though, before I get myself in hot water. If you haven’t already noticed, I have a knack for doing that sort of thing.
More later… this week it’s just hard to write b/c I work 6 out of 7 days. Not that I’m complaining.
Lindsey @ 6.02PM

Thank you, you beautiful updatey people!! ^-^ *smoochies*
Randy and Linz are still slacking off though. >:( Feel the wrath of Lindsey. Grr…
I had my first Tai Chi session today. I feel so freaking loose and agile. I love it. 🙂 I think this is something that’s going to help me tremendously. I highly recommend it, even after just learning the very basics!
Okay, now I really really don’t have anything to talk about.
Lindsey @ 11.22PM

Right now I am just sitting and waiting…
Imagine me maybe, at the beach, but I’m quite far away from the water. Just sitting on a blanket in the sand, curled up, thinking… my chin is probably resting on my hand, and I just wait.
Life has been throwing so much crazy stuff at me lately that all I can do is wait. What’s next?
I don’t wait anxiously, or scared, or sad, or happy. Well, maybe slightly happy. I’m not completely indifferent to whatever comes along, but I’m prepared for anything. I’m just happy to be here, sitting on the blanket by the sea. Hmm… I’ll go in order. Because that’s the only way I can make sense out of it.
Yesterday at around 6PM I was at work, sitting on the counter under the little marquee in the box office. I’m taking down the matinee times and talking to Brandy, and I feel happier than I have in a long time. Justin and I had been flirting all day, and have both acknowledged the fact that we like each other. We even talk about it to other people at work, so everybody knows, and everyone feels sorry for us because we can’t be together. It’s just so odd, how open we are about it. I think it’s because we know that’s all we have. I caught him writing some poetry, and he let me read it. It was so wonderful. It reminded me of Hemingway’s writing, so that’s my new nickname for Justin. I also wrote a few things and let him read it. And we find this new link: our love for writing, for capturing a moment inside a web of words. He’s so much like me, the way we see life and how deep we feel things. We just talked forever yesterday, about life, about love, about families, about school. We also flirted a lot. But I’m getting sidetracked…
So I’m talking to Brandy, and she says that Justin told her he knows how I feel, in the fact that it’s so frustrating that we can’t be together. And I realize that I think I’m beginning to fall in love. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that. I’ve felt attraction to people, and I think with Doug I got really close, but with Justin, it’s mutual. I felt an elation that I didn’t even realize I had missed. The best part is that even though I know and he knows it’s impossible for us, we still fall. Because this feeling is just too nice.
He said so many sweet things about me all day. I just can’t beleive how wonderful he is. It just figures that it wouldn’t work. He gave me a ride home, and we talked before I went inside. He said he told a friend about me and that there’s some good out of this, it’s a testament to his faith, because he really really wants to go out with me, but he doesn’t. I know it can’t work… I just want to hold onto this feeling a little longer…
After work, I talked to Dan a long time. He pointed out that I talk about myself too much, and that I treat the guys I’m with like crap. I realized that everything he was saying was completely true, and I’ve been rethinking everything. I think from now on, I’ll save the talking about myself for my journal, so if people want to know, they’ll just read it. And I’m so sorry to the people I treated badly, namely Eric and Randy. I hope you guys can forgive me. I am a good person at heart, and I think you realize that.
Also last night, I began to get this sick feeling. It’s hard to describe. Randy used to try to explain it to me, about how he felt when he thought of Eric and I, but I only partly understood. But now I understand because last night, Randy told me that him and Samantha kissed.
What gets me about life is that there are so many feelings. There’s an infinite amount between the good and the bad and a million different combinations you can have with all those. I think I feel something new almost every day. There’s just so much to feel, that I don’t think you could ever run out. And you can always revisit those feelings that you especially liked. Even the ones you especially hated. So I’m thinking, maybe the point isn’t what you feel, it’s that you feel at all. That you know you’re alive, and the whole blessed experience of discovering these feelings.
So I’m going to sit, and wonder what’s next, but I won’t spend too much time on it, because I know it probably won’t be what I’m expecting. I’ll just try to enjoy the ride, and maybe if I just sit and really look at how beautiful everything is, I’ll come to understand what my purpose is on this big blue sphere.
Lindsey @ 5.36PM

I feel so retarded!! Why? Well, that’s a good question. I feel retarded because I assume things, and I’m an attention hog, and I just assumed that I would be going somewhere with someone, and I’m a little hurt that I wasn’t picked because I’m an attention hog. Got it? Good, you weren’t meant to.
I am sick and getting sicker but nothing will stop me from enjoying this beautiful day! I’m even going to wear flip-flops!! I just hope my feet don’t spontaneously combust from not seeing the sun in about 6 months.
Okay, the archives are a little messed up, because I have deleted all the pictures necessary for those layouts. I did that because I don’t need them anymore, because I’ve scanned all the layouts and put them in the artography site! Yay! But you can’t look at it yet because it’s not finished. Don’t worry, I’ll get around to it soon. The hardest part was the layouts and I’m all done with that. As for the archives, I’m going to make a page especially for them.
Lindsey @ 2.02PM

I’m feeling much better today. ^-^ Partly because I did exactly what I wanted to: I sat outside to read History and listened to The Planets, and partly because Halo is such a kick-ass game. I love video games. I had almost forgotten how much fun they were. It’s so great. Me, Dan, Clint, the Moe Brothers, and the Joshes all pile down in the lounge and play the multiplayer version. I suck the most at it, but they’ve been playing it a lot longer and I’m getting better. Today I did pretty good. I just love playing it because it reminds me of summer. I guess because I always play a lot of video games in the summer. And being in the summer mindset means no worries. :p
Lindsey @ 5.03PM

The world is quiet today.
After class, I ate at Flo’s, and on the way back through campus, I walked under a canopy of trees. It seemed like even nature was silent. It’s been cloudy and windy today, and there’s just been this… feeling in the air. Like anticipation. Like the world is watching and waiting. There’s hardly any people out and if they are, they don’t speak. It’s really an eerie sort of feeling. It’s been a day of inner reflection. I keep thinking about where my life is going and the fact that I can never make a decision. I took the SIGI test, the one that’s supposed to help you find the right career, and I left more confused than when I started. Thinking, I realized I’ve really already made that decision, by majoring in chemistry. So I’m just going to go with it and see where it leads me. I guess I’m not going to worry about it. Which is weird. First I want to concentrate on school and finances more than love, and now I’ve stopped worrying about this. I guess this is growth, but it’s strange.
I had a long night last night. I didn’t really sleep much, and I had a long talk with God. I’ve realized that my life really isn’t in my own hands, and instead of worrying about every little detail I should just trust him for once. So maybe things will get better.
I’ve been told by a few adeptives (what I call people who show a little psychic ability through their religious beliefs) that they have a feeling I’m going to be taken advantage of. I also had this feeling a few days ago so I’m really watching it. I’ve been paying more attention to coincidences lately, like it says in The Celestine Prophecy (Awesome book. You must read it.). The other day I kept getting messages from different people to listen to the song “Goodbye to You” by Michelle Branch. It turns out that the song fit perfectly into my current situation. So listen to what the universe is trying to tell you!
Lindsey @ 5.25PM

I am so sad…
I want to reach out to him so badly. Everything in me is crying out for it, but I just… can’t. This hysterical crying part of me is begging to get out, to do whatever it takes because I miss him and love him so much. But I can’t. Just when I think I’m going to cave in something holds me back. I don’t know if it’s my own stubborn-ness, or some higher purpose, but…
It hurts so badly inside. And it hurts even more to let it out. I think I’m going to start packing. No, I can’t. But I will anyway.
Lindsey @ 7.56PM

The sadness envelopes me. There’s no part of me that it doesn’t touch. The first time Randy broke my heart, he was afraid of commitment, so he stopped seeing me. For a month and a half I was an empty shell… with empty tears… and empty pain. Now I’m full… full of everything, and that only makes it hurt worse. Is this love? If I had 6 months to live I would move down there tomorrow, and spend every second with him. But I have more than that, and I have to plan things… but i’m so sad. If I go down there, and we get married… what if I make the biggest mistake of my life? But if I stay here, and let him slip away… what if I make the biggest mistake of my life?
Lindsey @ 11.01PM

O… kay. You know that sadness I was feeling? It’s now replaced with 1/3 anger, 1/3 relief, and 1/3 just plain wonder at how weird life is. Turns out, Randy doesn’t even want me to come down there. I can’t believe it. Well, at least that decision is made, and I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I feel… surprisingly not sad at all. I feel like I just want to laugh and laugh until I can’t anymore. God, life is funny.
Lindsey @ 11.58PM

Oh, my lord, it’s April Fool’s Day!!! That means only one thing: a new layout! Well, it also means that you can trick people… but, I really don’t have anything good. I could tell Dan that I’m leaving school… I could tell my mom that I’ve decided I’m moving to Houston… I could tell Randy that Josh and I hooked up. Hehe, that would be a good one. I could tell Amber all kinds of stuff, since she’s NOT HERE!!!! I still miss you Amber. *sniff*
Anyway, new layout. I really really like it. It’s very weird, and I think it’s kinda ugly, but I still love it. ^-^ It’s pretty much all picture tubes and weird effects. The image started with some little boxes. I’m kind of proud of myself. I still have a few kinks to work out.
I’m going to be making some changes to the different sites, but very slowly so I don’t shock anyone. ;p No, really it’s because I don’t have a lot of free time. But I’m going to get rid of the music site, and sort of integrate it into a site about my writings. I’m not going to have the list of mp3’s anymore, though, because it changes too often to update correctly. And I really am going to put up the artography site. Soon. I promise. Bye for now! Tell me what you think as soon as I put up the little comment box! Ciao!
Lindsey @ 6.17PM

Hehehe… the girl that always takes a hot shower and shuts the doors so the bathroom is like a sauna? I went to the bathroom and she was in there, and I opened the doors really wide! Mahahaa… okay, it doesn’t sound like much but I thought it was really sneaky of me.
Lindsey @ 6.48PM

Oh… God. What have I done? I guess I dug my own hole, that’s what. I’m still happy, this is still a good day, but I just really hurt somebody’s feelings. Dang it. Why am I so weak-willed? Please forgive me. I’m going to go kneel and pray now.
Lindsey @ 10.24PM

Um… okay. I’m not still happy, it’s not still a good day. I’ve just said goodbye to Randy. Permanently. Forever. As in, we’re never going to talk to each other ever again. Why you ask? Because when we talk, it hurts too much. I miss him too badly. Whenever I talk to him, or see his picture in that stupid silver frame looking all cute, I want to move down to Houston and marry him. And this is bad. I have my own life and I can’t let my feelings screw it up. So… I did the only thing that I knew to do. Maybe it’s the wrong decision. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking that I’m crazy. You’re probably right, but this is truly the only thing I can do that I definetely know the outcome. All the other options are filled with uncertainty. And I can’t deal with uncertainty. Not now. I just… can’t.
Lindsey @ 11.47PM

“Empath”

I remember walking down the street today
And thinking, I am happy
At this moment I am happy without a doubt
And it was true. I felt life was wonderful.
I was carefree, I was bouyant.

In the recluse of my room I wrote down my happiness
Every detail, the whims and bobs
And how I didn’t need anybody but myself.
The familiar fear crept over me
But I thought, no… I will let myself be happy this time
I will not fear happiness.
So with a tentative step and a wary glance
I plunged into happiness, headfirst
And I remember feeling as if a great weight had been lifted.

The day wore on, and still I felt happy
I felt alive, I felt complete
And then through outside feats, I began a spiral
A spiral down, down… deeper down into the place I know so well.
My life is happy, but others are miserable.
I fell down with the thoughts of others in my head.
I drowned in The Death of Ivan Ilyich,
And the crazy/beautiful people that live in this world.
Empathy’s pungent odor fills me now, and I reflect on my own life.
My own sorrows and joys that are always with me,
A breeze that wraps around and surrounds me when the sun is shining down.
Lindsey @ 10:58PM