Today is my dad’s birthday. I got him a collection of Ernest Hemingway’s short stories, because he’s been on this Hemingway kick for a little bit. He really liked it, which makes me so happy. I knew he would… We talked in his kitchen for a while, and it made me realize how much I missed having a dad throughout the years. It also got me in a writing mood, because he was talking about his novel.
I’ve always done really well in English, and every once in a while I get the urge to write something, but I’ve never really pursued it. Well, tonight, I had the best idea for a book. I had kind of thought about this for a screenplay, but realized what a wonderful book it would make. So, I have this goal now, just like wanting to be in the FBI, just one of those silly dreams that other people write off as a passing phase, but what I know to be my future. I will be in the FBI, just like I’m going to write this novel, and it will be successful, and it will make Oprah’s Book Club, and the rest will be history… *smiles at her future life* I can’t screw this up by not following through with my goals and dreams, I only get one life. The book is going to be really good, about one girl’s dreams and her world, and how her world is replaced with reality, and her emotional ordeal through the whole thing. I wrote the prologue today. ^-^ (I move fast.) It’s so much like me, it’s blatantly obvious, but I don’t care because I can write it better that way. The girl’s name is even Leto, but that might change in the future. Well, must be going to bed, right after putting up my friend’s poem on the front page. It’s very good. I’ll put a link to it up tomorrow… Oh, and thank you Betha, and Linz, and Eric for the happy birthdays!! You guys make me feel so loved. Okey, bye!
Lindsey @ 11:56 PM

Nineteen years ago today, I was born….
Sorry I haven’t written! I’ve just been so busy lately with working and the 4th of July. Well, happy birthday to me!! Randy and I went to Tulsa today, and I practically bought out Old Navy… It was great! I also opened up a checking account yesterday!! I’m so excited. I feel like an adult now…
Well, I better go… bye!
Lindsey @ 11:49PM

Hello! I just watched the movie Crazy/Beautiful… it’s wonderful!!! Go see it! Kirsten Dunst is wonderful, and it’s such a moving story. *gets weepy* Don’t worry, though, it has a happy ending! Oops, I guess I just gave a little spoiler. Heehee. However, the skinny-ness of Kirsten in this movie has inspired me to get up early tomorrow and go jogging. (I’m such the little paranoid.) I think it will be healthy!! ^-^
Well, I just made my Roswell shrine layout! I think it’s really beautiful and I love Liz. I’m not going to open up the site until it’s got real content, but you can take a sneak peek here. But I think the background for the supporting pages is cutest. Well, better go to bed since I’m jogging early tomorrow! Bye!
Lindsey @ 1:01AM

Hello! Things are going much better now than that last entry. I think I’m over that fear of being 19. Nothing eventful happened today, except work. OH! Yesterday I test drove the Camaro. It’s sooo nice. It’s such an amazing difference from my little poopy car. But there’s still a chance I might not get it. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much. I’ve been through this little car thing before. I have a good feeling about this one, though. Maybe since it’s my birthday, people will be nicer to me and my grandma will loan me the money… I can only hope.
Well, not really doing anything tonight except putting June in the archives and maybe going out to see a movie. It’s not enough that I work in a movie theater all day, I have to go see movies at night, too. o_O Okey, bye!
Lindsey @ 5:39PM

My god, what is wrong with me? Why do I always end up feeling so frustrated and stupid and knowing it’s my fault? Why do I get so jealous? I feel like an immature 12 year old. So mixed up, so starved for attention, so unsure of herself. This shouldn’t happen at 18. I’m going to have to admit that I am freaking out because I’m 19 in about 8 days. I didn’t really want to say it, because that would mean I’m not normal and I’m not pleasing everyone. I HATE THAT. Not that I’m not pleasing everyone, but that I care so much about it. Why can’t I just be myself and just mellow out? I used to think I was mellow, with a type B personality, who just went with the flow. But now I realize that was my fake self, who really did try her hardest to get along with everyone, and felt like a complete failure if someone looked at her wrong. I have never been, nor probably ever will be, mellow. I am at peace and/or in tune with myself at times, which is different, but I’m just not a mellow person.
I got my first present for my b-day today, and it was a watch. This is extremely funny to me, seeing as how I want time to slow down, because I’m not ready to be 19. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never been scared to turn another year older. They truthfully didn’t have that much meaning to me except I got presents and it was the nicest time of the year. Now… now, I think I’m going crazy. I have 8 days to prepare myself, and it’s NOT ENOUGH. God, I feel so lost, I think I’m going to cry. This has been one of the worst nights of my life. I’m stuck in between three feelings: wishing I was out of my current situation, for just a second; happy that I’m in my current situation; and wishing I had this power over the world that everyone would love me, and want to spend every waking moment with me. Not because I made them, but because they really wanted to, because of some wonderful thing they saw in me.
I have never felt this stupid about my own actions in my entire life. And it feels like I have a deadline (my b-day) to sort out all these feelings, make everything right, and get ready for another year. I just want to say to Eric and Betha, I am so sorry for being such an inconsiderate little spaz. I have never looked inside myself so deeply, and I’ve seen all these terrible things about me, and I guess to get rid of them, I have to go through them again. But I’m not hating myself or feeling bad about me, because I know this is the only way to truly love myself and be happy. I don’t even need to ask you to stand by me and wait until I get through this because I know you’re such good friends, you would anyway. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, which I think I’m looking at right now. I see problems I tried to deny I had and the wonderful love of my wonderful friends.
Lindsey @ 2:00AM

Wow. Time is really tickin away. *suddenly scared at the thought of being 19* I don’t want to be any closer to being an adult!! I’m not ready! *calms* Sorry. I think I’m just freaking out b/c I woke up really early for no reason at all and it’s storming. Nice big fat raindrops. Usually these things are calming… oh, well. Wow. Big lightning. Not feeling real sure about being on the compy now…
I was looking at some other blogs, and they’re powered by blogger.com and all that… I’m just using straight html. I don’t understand why more people don’t, it’s so much easier to open notepad than to mess with blogger. Geez! More lightning. *sigh* See ya.
Lindsey @ 8:06AM

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I am so funny. I just can’t stop talking. When I’m with someone I really know and trust (or the compy), I just let my mouth start talking about all the things that are running around in my head. I won’t shut up! At least I don’t do that to people I don’t know extremely well. I have a friend that talks so much, I think her head is going to explode. And she does that to EVERYBODY. Of course, she’s kind of clueless, and really sweet, so it doesn’t really bother anyone, but I don’t think I would get the same results.
I’m in the middle of reading this really good blog. I like to know the whole story about things, so when I read a blog, I have to read the WHOLE thing. From the beginning. It’s kind of a obsessive-compulsive thing, so I try to pick out the very best ones. This one is rather depressing, but very good. Go here if you really must. This is one of those blogs that is so in depth it feels like it should be a secret.
I feel so weird, being up this early. It’s been a weird week. Weird is okay, though. Sometimes. Last night was really strange. I’m not going to go into it. Unlike a real journal, people, close people, read this. That’s the only bad thing about it. I’m not really sure if I want everyone to know ALL my true feelings. Some things are better left in secret. Some things I’ve been hiding should be brought out in the open before things get worse. I feel like I’m talking in code. Enough with that.
I feel really sad. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this. I’ve felt sad because someone died, and sad because my heart was broken, and sad because life sucked, but this is different. It’s like I know I’m going to be sad soon, because every time I start to feel happy something goes wrong. I’m usually so optimistic!! But I can feel it. I’m almost afraid to be truly happy because that’s when I’ll screw everything up. Anyway, things seem different… and I know everything has to change, because that’s the way life goes. But it happens so fast! No time to adjust. A few days ago, I was used to my little world. Pretty happy, even though there was that nagging “alone, nobody understands me” feeling. I felt so fake all the time, except with my mom, Randy, and Beth (who was in Indiana), and I didn’t really act like myself in front of anybody. I didn’t even realize I was doing that until the other day! But I was, and I was content with it, when Eric and I started talking. And then, there was somebody who understood, someone like me, who pointed out that I was never alone, and the people just like us were right under my nose and I couldn’t even see them. I still know I’m different, though. I know Eric’s different. I didn’t get the alone feeling around him. I felt at peace and in tune with myself, even while surrounded by other people and that NEVER happens. Not even with Beth, who is my bestest, bestest friend in the whole world.
Things are radically different, and I can’t help but feel the slightest apprehension of what the future will bring. I know this is helping me grow and mature and understand myself better, because ever since me and Eric’s talk I’ve been soul searching, looking around inside myself to see if there’s anything else stupid I’ve been doing and not realizing. When I grow as a person, I do it in leaps. Every time it happens, I’m so amazed at how much more I know about myself, but then the next time, I feel like I didn’t know anything before. I’ve been kind of shaky, almost terrified, the kind of fear you get when you realize the world wasn’t what you thought it was. In fact, you were WAY off. Dimensions.
I think I’m gonna go back to sleep. I just want to say that people make mistakes, and they screw up, and they go too far, but you can’t blame them for wanting to learn something new, and people are far more forgiving than it seems (I hope). I’m loathing myself right now. Every time I meet someone who is going to be a really good friend, someone so close to my heart, I manage to bash all trust they had in me as soon as possible. Who knows, maybe I’m shielding myself out of fear of being hurt, something else stupid I didn’t know I was doing. *sigh* Okay, going.
Lindsey @ 9:55AM

gggrrrrr. *growls* This is how I feel right now. I’ve been talking to one of my friends, Eric, about being a big fish and being different in the world (which you probably won’t understand at all). But that’s okay. I just feel frustrated, like I should be doing a million things right now but I can’t do anything but sit here.
By the way, all the times on here are central. It doesn’t really matter, but I like for you to know. ^-^
Want to hear some irony? I’ve got some. Ooooh, you’re getting chills, right? Okay. My birthday is in 10 days. 10 DAYS!!! And I’m going to be 19!!! It always sneaks up on me… Anyway, I wanted to go bowling for my b-day (cause that’s the only thing to do in this stinkin town). Well, I’m in a Christian sorority, Kappa Phi, and they have summer get-togethers. Well, the next one is on my b-day, the 7th, and they’re going… bowling!! Maybe I’ll go. But then I’d miss all my friends here. I don’t know!!
Also, for my birthday, I did the Wal-Mart gift registry thing, but I haven’t given the list to anybody. What’s the point, you ask? I really couldn’t tell ya. Okey, bye.
Lindsey @ 3:25PM