This is going to be a really depressing entry. Which I hate doing that because I don’t want to bring anybody down, but this is really bothering me. Going through some stuff today, I found my diary from 2002. And big big mistake, I started reading it. I read until June and then I just had to put it down.
I made SO MANY MISTAKES!!! Mistakes like you wouldn’t believe! Like the right thing to do was staring me directly in the face and I turned the other way! I just couldn’t believe it. There were parts where I watched myself in the past being heartless, and cruel, and selfish, and over-emotional at all the inappropriate times. And through the whole thing, I got this underlying feeling of depression. I was really unhappy last year. Probably because of all the mistakes I made, or maybe I made the mistakes because I was blinded by my unhappiness. Either way, it’s just strange how you can’t see the most obvious things until you look back. Hindsight’s 20/20.
I’m just so mad at myself. I feel stupid. I always told myself I would leave unhappy situations no matter what, but there are times when you just can’t. I also think I was going through things I just didn’t know how to deal with, so I did all kinds of destructive things. And I can’t believe how my own problems blinded me from how important other people’s feelings are. It got better as the year went on, it was only really bad at the beginning, but still. Never again. And see, I say that, and I know I’m going to hurt people in the future. Just because I’ve done it in the past and I know it’s wrong doesn’t mean I’m not going to make mistakes ever again. But why? Why is life like that? People are stupid, and they do stupid things. And OTHER people can see your stupidity. In fact, EVERYBODY but you knows how stupid you’re being. But you don’t see it until after the fact. And everyone does this. And we just continue to make mistakes and learn. I just don’t get it though. It seems kind of pointless going on knowing I’m going to continue to be stupid in the future. It’s very depressing. But then I realized, life is what you make of it. And I’ve always had this semi-depressing attitude. If I just change the way I see things, it will be much better. But how do I do that? Who knows? I’m probably going to read these journal entries someday in the future, these journal entries I’m so proud of because I’m beginning anew and being ADULT, and think how stupid I continue to be.
Argh…. I’m gonna go CLEAN something… maybe that will make me feel better.
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