How odd. Life, that is.
Anyway, I’ve had not much to do lately besides work and sleep and eat and watch movies. So that leads to thinking. I am happy to say that this writer’s block I’ve had lately is now over!! I haven’t felt creative in so long… and it’s all come back. It’s strange how the brain seems to partition things. Usually I’m not the kind of person to concentrate on only one thing, and then can only move on to something else when I’m finished with that one thing. But that’s what’s been happening lately in several dimensions. I feel… well, that is always a complicated way to begin a sentence. I never feel like I can fully express what I’m feeling, and that’s all I want… is to write it down completely, so that anyone that read it would instantly know exactly what it feels like, in every way. But even at my most creative moments it’s almost impossible to capture something completely. I think that’s why I’ve wanted to take a lot of pictures lately. A picture still isn’t a perfect emotion, because every person sees things differently, but it’s still like capturing a moment.
Part of me thinks this newfound creativity is due to the fact that I have a cold. I always get kinda weird when I have a fever.
I saw the movie The Last Samurai and I completely loved it. It moved me so much. I know that the Japanese culture is very popular now, and almost everyone likes some aspect of it. But when I feel like I’m completely immersed in it… like in the movie and when I read Memoirs of a Geisha, it’s like… I’m in complete awe, and it feels like I’ve come home after being away for so long. It’s like the longing and the joy at the same time. I’m sure lots of other people feel the same way I do. I can’t really explain it, though, and that bothers me. Why do we feel that way? What is it about it? Why do I feel so drawn to its culture like it was my own heritage? I’m not sure that I believe in past lives, but if I did, I would be absolutely 100% sure that I was Japanese.
I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately too. Love, after personal goal fulfillment and spirituality, is the most important thing to me. That sounds kind of funny, but really I want each of those things equally. I really feel like they all tie together. Anyway, this whole period of not being in school has really screwed me up, as I’ve said before. But I really get now how it’s teaching me to look internally. The past few months it’s like I’ve been going through my past… like a review… or something. One that my brain just spontaneously spawned itself through dreams. First I dreamed of Randy, and I started thinking about him, then Justin, then Matt. It wasn’t like I missed them, just seeing them again… reminding… and I got to say what I wanted to them, even though it was just a dream. I wasn’t really sure why all this was coming back up again, but after it was over, I felt… new. Clean. All healed and ready for round 2. Or… 12… whatever. If you can be ready for love. I don’t think anyone can really get ready for that. I think it just takes you by surprise. So, I feel ready, but I still don’t feel like I want it. I actually feel fine… really good about myself like I never have before.
And it just suddenly occured to me that no one besides me would really want to read this… and that I would only really want to read it once… I guess I should be writing for my public. Wait… I’m not a dancing monkey here for your entertainment!!! I do not jump when you ask and change for your every whim!!! This is my website, and I can write anything I want! Of course, I still want you here looking at it. So, um… nevermind.
Arg… I’m still trying to figure out what my one different thing is. You know, the one thing you have that makes you different from everybody else. Because I have wanted to be just that – different from everybody else – really bad lately. I’m trying to buy different clothes than you can’t buy around here by shopping on the internet. Problem is, I don’t have any money right now but I’m having a lot of fun looking. So… as soon as I get some money, you better watch out… HAHA. cough
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