What the crap is wrong with me? I am so completely infatuated with the song Toxic. I’m actually starting to like Britney Spears. And something terrible occured to me. I think I’ve actually liked her for a long time!! ACK. I was hiding it from myself. I mean, otherwise, why would I have downloaded all her videos when they came out? I’m a closet Britney fan. Dear. Lord. Save us all. I hate liking mainstream things, it makes me feel ew, normal. And usually I don’t like mainstream things. But there are exceptions.
To completely change the subject, have you ever had an arch-enemy? I’m not just talking a person you don’t like, or that you fight with, I mean like an actual arch-enemy. You know how everything is blown out of proportion in my mind, but I think I actually know what it feels like for comic book arch-enemies. Because there is this person I really hate, I shall call that person M, and it’s not just a deep dislike. It’s like, I’ve found myself in an emotional turmoil as to why I hate this person. I wonder if it’s because I see in them reflective qualities of my own and vice versa. I see the person I could become with just a little slip, just a tiny drop of morality. And I hate that person. But with that hate comes confusion, and doubt, because what if the part of me that I hate so much is actually my true nature? It’s very weird. It scares me.
And today, I saw M. For the first time in a very long time. And M tried to ignore me, much as I tried to ignore M. And at one point, I passed by so closely that, in my mind, it would be very impolite not to say hello. Of course, M was helping our mutual ignorance by looking away as I was close by, but I still had to do it. I was just brought up that way. I said hello and how are you with as much feigned happiness that I could. And M replied very little and very nervously. So instantly I think ‘How rude! M was going to completely ignore me!’ Later though, I realized that the depth at which M had affected me before was completely gone. That had been a long time ago, and I was a different person now. M didn’t seem so big or scary to me anymore, no more a part of myself. M was just a pathetic, nervous figure that had acheived as little as I’d hoped they would.
And later I realized that M was afraid of me. Of course, I had said several things that most likely would get back around to M that would be scary. But somehow the roles reversed. I wasn’t the meek one anymore, scared of the mean bully. Now M is the small one. And if that makes me the bully (which I don’t think it does because I would never actually hurt someone, mentally or physically) then good. Because it’s time I started standing up for myself (without harming anyone). I’m the good, moral, cheer-spreading bully. 😀
Leave a Reply