Sometimes I lose myself.
Sometimes I need to know everything there is to know in the whole world. I need it, as if knowing it meant it was mine. There is no outside, only this entire inner universe which I possess. Then would I be satisfied? Now, the not knowing just leaves a bitter metallic feeling in my mind. Sometimes I crave more knowledge so badly that my entire body aches for it. It drives me more than anything else in this life. It’s not that I care for it more, or that given a choice, it’s what I would choose. I just need it.
I had several unexpected dreams last night. One was unexpected because it contained someone I think would understand my thirst for knowledge. I haven’t even seen him in years. And even then, we were never even friends or anything. But I appreciated his mind. I appreciated his mind from afar. He looked completely different in my dream, but I knew it was him. I always expected him to do great things, but I think I saw him a while ago with a family. A normal guy. But now that I think about it, in my malfunctioning memory, that might’ve been a dream too. Maybe he didn’t even exist. Maybe he’s just that aspect of my personality, showing up in my dreams and working its way back into my memory. I’m starting to think there are several people that don’t really exist, they are just different angles of myself. This has happened before, where my memory gets confused and I can’t actually trust it. Surprisingly, it doesn’t scare me.
The fact that he was so changed in the dream means that that part of me must have changed dramatically too. I didn’t like what I saw. It wasn’t right. I wish I knew what this hunger was. It feels like greed. At times like this, it seems like listening to Massive Attack is the only way to make it feel better. It helps me to believe that I’m really not crazy, just… sensitive. Like an ultra-emotion-receiver.
It’s funny, I always know when I’ve lost myself, but I don’t actually ever realize I was ever found until I lose myself again.
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