Here I am, talking about things I shouldn’t be talking about online again. I’m so predictable…
Everyone thinks I’m so vindictive towards Matt. All his friends think that I told Aaron the whole story because I wanted Aaron to hate Matt, and to break up their friendship. That wasn’t my intention at all. I thought that Aaron already knew Matt’s part of the story, and I didn’t want Aaron to think of me the way I know Matt must have portrayed me. I didn’t mean to cause problems in their friendship. Aaron already knew how Matt treats girls, I didn’t think it would affect the way he thinks of him as a friend. But I guess, even if you try to do something for good reasons, if everyone else thinks you’re just trying to create problems, it turns out bad anyway. And Aaron probably thinks I did it just to get back at Matt too. I get the feeling he’s pretty much avoiding me so what I did didn’t even do any good. I guess it was the wrong thing to do.
I don’t really care what Matt or his friends think of me, because they’re going to think whatever Matt tells them. That’s a given in this kind of situation. But I don’t want anyone to think that I want vengeance. Trust me, I’ve learned that trying to “get back at someone” only causes more strife. I don’t want to get back at Matt. I don’t want to make things difficult for him. I just want to put it all behind me and move on.
When a relationship ends, everyone throws blame around. I don’t want to do this, but in this situation, the pattern of what happened became obvious to me after it was over. Matt wanted to manipulate me from the beginning. It wasn’t about a relationship, or cheating. He just wanted to see if he could manipulate me. And he succeeded to a point. And this makes me extremely ashamed of myself for being so gullible. I found out, much later than I should have, that Matt was much more immature than I had thought. Anyone that thinks of other people as inferior and tries to control them is someone to stay away from, but I didn’t realize it until too late.
I’m not saying these things to bash anyone, I’m saying this because I’m terribly hurt. I always want to believe that people are good, that they’re filled with goodness towards humanity and all that, and it just depresses me when I find out that not everyone is like that. Including myself when I’m like that sometimes. I’m sad because what I thought was a good person turned out not to be, and I don’t know how many more times I can go through this and not be completely jaded. On the other hand, I feel strengthened from this because I’m going to be more cautious in the future when trusting people. All I want from this situation is to learn from it, like every other situation, and leave it behind me. All those that want to create drama, just go ahead. I’m past the point where it could affect me.
Edit: Choadit, you’re probably the only one that’s going to read this, but… here you go.
I found out later that someone had been telling me a lot of lies about Matt, for whatever reason they had. So all this pain could have been completely avoided. Which sucks, but oh well… can’t do anything about it now. Except, not be so gullible in the future. I worry about everything, and in this situation I expected the worst to happen because of my own insecurity, and so when someone told me the worst DID happen, I automatically believed it. So Matt isn’t the bad person I’ve been thinking he is. He didn’t manipulate me or hurt me intentionally. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I could go back and fix things. I always wanted you to do the right thing. I wanted you to realize and become the good person I know you are… But I never realized that if you did the right thing, it would mean that I’d lose you.
I’m still glad, though. You did the right thing.
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