Lur… lur… Kinda bored. I beat Primal! Yay!! It was pretty easy after I entered in the Invulnerability and Easykill passwords. Some would think that’s cheating, as would I, but I was trying to beat the game quickly because it doesn’t belong to me, and I really just wanted to see the story. It was a great game though. I loved being a Wraith especially. All purple-y lightning and super fast movement. Plus that whole bitchy undead thing.

I heard something weird. And it was kind of strange, how it happened. Chris and Debbie and I were talking about rumors we’d heard about ourselves, and I haven’t really heard any about me, but then I called Daniel, who I miss really badly, to tell him that his Star Wars game would be in tomorrow. And he had a rumor about me. Well, sort of. I asked him why he’s been in GameStop like twice and hasn’t said hi to me, and he said that Amber and Gina told him I got fired from there a long time ago and I work in a bookstore now. I think I remember telling them I was applying at a bookstore, but I’ve never been fired!!! From anywhere!! Ick. Never. Being fired would be terrible. Oh, well. They were probably just saying it to say it, because the last I heard they don’t really like me very much. Actually, I’ve been hearing that for a long time now. Wish I knew why.

Anyway, we had to take my Aunt Lyndia to the hospital Sunday. She was having terrible stomach cramps. She was in so much pain, she was crying! I felt so bad for her. Turns out it was gallstones, and she’s having her gallbladder taken out today. Everybody in my family has had to get it taken out, which doesn’t really bode well for me. But maybe I got lucky, and I got my Dad’s genes in that department. Hopefully.

There’s really absolutely nothing going on lately. Whatsoever. I have to work sometime today, don’t know when yet, Wade’s supposed to let me know. And Wednesday I have to go to work at 7AM!! Our district and regional managers are visiting, and we’re redoing the store. So probably after Wednesday, you’ll see a completely different GameStop. Well, maybe not THAT different. So far, the only big change I know of is that all the games are going to be displayed on little short shelves rather than the layered ones we have now. Okay, this is really sad. The most exciting thing right now is work. tear

Oh, played Halo last night at Andy Chang’s house. I love Andy and Jessica to death! And Andy’s house was really cool. All kinds of asian-y stuff everywhere. 🙂 Anyway, Bryan and I beat everyone, as usual. I was really good yesterday too. Most of the games (we were playing King of the Hill) I had 40-something kills compared to everyone else’s low 20’s. 😀 The best part of the night though, was when Bryan found a pair of devil horns and put them on me, and with a calm face and singsongy voice I said, “I am the dark lord.”

You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

“And The Phoenix’s cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal.”

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

See, I KNEW I believed in reincarnation for some reason. I got this from Linz’s site. I love moo Linz! I haven’t been reading your diary lately, or anybody else’s for that matter… too busy. But I’m changing that. Just wanted you to know I’ve been thinking about you, especially since I’ve been watching Buffy so much. 😉

Ever have a line from a song just get completely stuck in your head? Almost like it’s trying to tell you something. Like your brain is giving you a message via this line. Like synchronicity. When Randy was here it was “Don’t it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?” And now, the past few days, it’s “I’ll be waving my hands, watching you drown, watching you scream, quiet or loud.”

Hmm… almost just like that time I got “Are you drowning or waving? I need you to save me” stuck. There seems to be a drowning theme. Hmm. What does it mean?!! What are you trying to tell me brain?! Maybe I should ask Lucy Goosey. She’d know. If you’re wondering… don’t.

My spoon is too big. You guys really need to see that to think it’s funny. So far… just Eric. sigh

echoes internally I’ll be waving my hands… watching you drown… watching you scream… quiet or loud…

Yeah… it has been a long time since I’ve made an entry. So what’s been going on the last few days? Not much of anything. Oh, yeah, and if I’m typing funny, it’s because I’m watching Buffy. Yeah… that’s sort of what’s been going on the last few days. I bought Season 4 a while ago, but I wanted to watch the entirety of Seasons 1, 2, and 3 first since I haven’t seen all the episodes. I haven’t seen hardly ANY of Season 2 because that’s when Crapogee didn’t have the WB. So I borrowed Season 1 from Shayna, and then after that was over, I decided I was kind of bored so I went ahead and put in Season 4. Which is way longer than Season 1. So… happy.

I look so totally hot today. I mean, really, not trying to brag on myself or anything, because we all know I’m superhero Low Self-Esteem Lindsey, but I have to say… hotness. And that’s really good because I was driving to pick up something for my mom, and there’s this Caddy in the next lane just trying to pass me just to say they passed me… you can always tell the people like that. Anyway, I just kind of got a… feeling, so I put on my best annoyed face to look at the driver as it passed me, and annoyed-face quickly turned to shock-face because the driver was Matt. So that was… weird.

In other news, I’ve made a decision. Well, I made it a while ago in the midst of… a crisis. I’m definetely going to try for the California thing. I just can’t stay here any longer. Muskogee is so… ick. So, excited about that. Already making plans. 😀

Alright, I have to say that I am a nerd. But a curious one. So, you know those commercials about eHarmony.com where the guy is talking about people learning about themselves and finding somebody compatible? Well, so I tried it. Not to find anybody!! Because the singles thing is so eww and plus, already have somebody. But I thought the learning about yourself part would be nice. So I looked on the site, and I looked at the prices, and it is hella expensive. But you can do the little quiz learny thingie for free, so I did that, and it was kinda helpful. But I get this e-mail today and apparently it will still find matches for you even if you haven’t paid. So I look at my matches. There’s four. The first one’s name is Matt. Delete. The others are all like 27 and in careers already. One is actually still in college but on his profile he makes like eight grammatical or spelling errors. I don’t know if you guys know this, but… kind of a perfectionist in that area. And if someone else makes errors like that, I MUST point them out and it kind of aggravates me. It’s a pet peeve right up there with creases in book bindings. shudders Anyway, it’s kind of funny. Not the crease thing, the eHarmony thing.

So, anyway, that’s it. Oh yeah… bought the first Buffy game on XBox, and Frequency for PS2. But right now I’m stuck on Primal, because I think there’s a glitch in it. And I’m going to see Kill Bill tonight with Tony. Yay! Back to Buffy, talk to you guys later. 🙂

Okie dokie. I have a strange story. I’m doing some uncluttering of my room and I make this huge stack of old books that I want to sell on Amazon.com. So I sell one book and the address is really weird, and there’s a number after the name. So I send it off anyway, and it comes back about a week later, and the postal worker isn’t sure why. So I e-mail the person that bought it asking if it was the right address. And here was the reply:

Greetings,
Ms Axxxxxxxx’s address, although rather peculiar, is genuine. She is an inmate in the Texas State prison system. The problem with the book is that the prison censors refused to admit it – probably because it is about Wicca – if it had been a Christian Bible it would have gone through immediately!
Just put the book back into your inventory, and please keep the money as compensation for the inconvenience I have inadvertently caused you.
Best Wishes,
Dxxxxx Kxxx

I was like…. eh? My eye just started twitching when I read that. Great… I’m selling books to prison inmates. The funny thing is though… I’m not into wicca anymore, but… last time I checked, it’s a totally legal religion. So wouldn’t the fact that they don’t allow people to study a legal religion be kind of… I don’t know… illegal? Feh… strange.

Anyway, not really much news besides that. Well, okay, some news, but none I want to talk about. Except you HAVE to read this story Eric wrote. It’s so amazingly, freakishly good. That is all.

Okay, the news I didn’t think was that important? Well, I’ll just talk about it anyway. It’s very long, and kind of personal, but here it is:

It seems to me that there are certain events in my life that are culminating, certain traumatic events. What my stepmom (previous, not current) did to me, the non-existent relationship with my dad, and the Randy breakup thing all seem to happen or I’m reminded of them at the same time. It’s becoming obvious to me that they all must be related.

The stepmom/dad thing isn’t hard to link. I’ve always felt that what happened was just as much my dad’s fault because he chose to turn a blind eye to the whole situation. Well, I can’t really say CHOSE because he probably just refused to believe that anything was wrong because he didn’t want to. So there’s resent there on my part, and stubbornness on his part because he will never admit to me that anything he did was wrong, or even anything Pat, my stepmom, did. The Randy thing is a little harder to connect, but if you believe what I think Freud said first, that male relationships are all affected by the relationship with the father, it becomes more clear. You could even generalize the Randy thing into all male relationships that I’ve had. And once again, it seems like everything is happened or reliving at once.

Back in my last semester at NSU, several things happened. My father and I had an argument, a pretty bad one, Randy told me he was in love with Jennifer, which was very hard, and then the dreams and flashbacks started. I’m not going to describe everything Pat did to me, mostly because I don’t want to relive the memories again, but the main event, the worst thing she ever did, became impossible for me to ignore anymore. When it first happened, when I was eight, I suffered from all kinds of psychological problems. I was terrified of any strangers, and of most people. I was scared to death to go to school and most mornings my mom would have to force me to get on the bus. I suffered post-traumatic stress disorder which turned into panic disorder, which eventually turned into agoraphobia, which is what I currently have today. I had panic attacks usually 30-40 times a day, and because I wanted to forget everything that had happened, my memory went crazy, where I would forget all the most recent things that had happened to me and random long-term memory flashes would just happen uncontrollably. It was a terrible, terrible time and there are days when I look back and can’t believe I made it through so much.

The panic attacks continued, although with every passing year they lessened. By the time I went to college, they were mostly gone, or as much as I could ask for. I would only have about one every two weeks. But something happened that last semester. I don’t know if it was stress, or everything happening at once, or what, but I began to get these flashes of what Pat did to me. And then one day, the whole scene of the worst thing. It was like I was there again, I couldn’t stop the memory, and I remembered things that I’ve never remembered before. It caused a nervous breakdown. I would cry uncontrollably at night, and the fear would take me so much in the daytime that I wouldn’t be able to leave my room. I started having panic attacks every day again, even in my room, which usually, if I’m in a safe place, they don’t happen. And when I did force myself to go outside I was in a state of constant anxiety. That’s the reason I had to drop out. I ended up passing with so-so grades, but looking back, I should have talked to somebody about it, my professers or a couselor or something and they could have helped me. But one thing about anxiety from an event like this, there’s only two or three “safe” people that you can share your fear with. Agoraphobia means being afraid of having a panic attack, so it’s sort of a lose-lose situation, and the main thing about it is you don’t want anyone ELSE to know that you have them. So I hid it from everybody. All my friends just thought I was unhappy.

I went home, and that episode passed although I fell into depression for a long time after that. That’s when I really knew I still had a serious problem. It’s affecting my life in a major way. I keep tricking myself into thinking I have it under control, when the panic attacks have tapered off and I start to feel better, but then I realize, that only happens when I spend my time hiding from the world. I really want to fix this problem but I know it’s going to be really really hard. Which brings me to everything else.

Randy’s visiting. I dreamed about my father last night and how he wanted me to leave his sight. And the panic attacks are starting again. I think it all centers around my father. If I could just fix that… then everything else will fall into place. I think. But the problem is… I have no desire to talk to him. He affects me more than any other living being can. Whenever I try to talk to him about anything remotely deeper than the weather, I always end up crying. And when I think about him now, a nice empty feeling of general objectivity blocks everything. It started when I didn’t call him on Father’s Day. Twice. I know you’re thinking I’m a crappy daughter but I have good reasons. The first time I was stuck at NSU with no car, no long distance so no way to call him, and I believe I did send him an e-card. But he still got mad. The next year (which was this year) I was working all day and meant to call him the next day but I got very busy. I know that’s not really an excuse but if you knew the countless times when I was a child that he promised to do something with me and then was “too busy” you would be a little more understanding. I’m a busy person!! I forget things!! I have to make lists to do my own laundry and pay my bills because I just forget. Like I said, my memory’s shot.

So his birthday is the day after mine. I made SURE that I got him a present and that I was going to call him on his birthday. On my birthday, I didn’t hear anything from him. Well, he’s busy, I think, not really worried about it. So the next day I call and leave a message saying happy birthday and that I got him a present. He never called me back. EVER. To this day I haven’t heard from him. Okay, is it me, or is this a really childish thing to do? I mean, he’s my FATHER. Shouldn’t he look past these things I’ve forgotten and know that I love him? Even if he WASN’T sure, shouldn’t he be the bigger person and call his own daughter to say belated happy birthday? Gee, maybe it’s just me.

Anyway… I wish I knew what to do. I’m thinking I should probably talk to a psychologist… maybe even get Zoloft or something. I bought a book today called The Panic and Anxiety Workbook so hopefully that will help. I don’t know how this situation is going to work out, all these things happening at once again. But maybe if I realize what’s happening while it’s happening, I can avoid the panic and the depression and emerge victorious this time.

Feel free to give me your thoughts, opinions. I love you guys!

So okay… just ignore that whole thing I said about Tricky. nervous laugh So anyhoo… I have some sort of big news. So guess who’s visiting this weekend? All the way from Houston? Yeah… Randy… and he’s bringing pictures of his new baby girl, Hayley… er, I think that’s how you spell it. So that’s kinda… cool.

No, I will be really glad to see him. We’ve been best friends ever since the 10th grade. I just think it might be a little weird. But maybe not. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. Maybe I’m paranoid? Ha! I invented the word. We’re supposed to go to a Muskogee football game Friday night. LOL I think it’s kind of strange that he wants to go to one. I haven’t really had the desire to since I graduated. But I guess if you’ve been away from your hometown so long you get kind of homesick for the familiar things.

I finally played Halo for PC. It pretty much sucked. I haven’t gotten the chance to play multiplayer but I don’t see it being as good as playing through the XBox. So… yeah… don’t buy it. If you were planning to. I have been playing Primal for PS2 lately. That’s a really awesome game. The one I have is borrowed from Chris but I’m thinking of buying it. Ooh! One game I will definetely get when it comes out is Karaoke Revolution. It’s so awesome!! You get a headset and you sing karaoke, and they judge you on beat and pitch. It’s like DDR but you sing!!! I’m so excited!! Okay… and I am a dork. And now I’m starting to talk like Tony.

Other than that, nothing at all is happening, because ever since I quit GameStop, I have been working there more than ever. I actually suffered from exhaustion yesterday, but after a 12 hour nap I feel much better. But yay money! And I have made a Plan. I can’t tell you all the details, because usually when I do it doesn’t happen, but just so you know… Lindsey has a Plan.

Okay… Butterfly came on Winamp so… I think I’m going to play DDR. Ja ne!

Have I ever expressed my love of Hooverphonic to you? Well, I love them. Completely. They remind me of Tricky, but I don’t love Tricky quite the same. Sometimes I think the only reason I like Tricky is because he’s the mixed British guy in the Fifth Element.

Halo for PC is sitting right here beside me, and I haven’t put it in the computer. Why you ask? Well, I think it’s two reasons. One, I was going to clear some hard drive space for it so I started listening to all my music to see which I could delete, and I sort of got sidetracked in the music. Two, I’m a little afraid. What if it doesn’t measure up? What if I don’t like it because I’ve been kinda tired of Halo lately? What if my computer doesn’t run it right, or I want to play online and my crappy connection won’t let me do it? So many fears, only one way to find out.

This is very much the way I think. Something that seems to be perfectly fine, I will find things about it to be scared of. I worry from habit, even if everything seems okay. Because I’m always afraid that something’s lurking around the corner, waiting to screw things up. I think that sort of invites it though. Especially in love. You think things are going to screw up, so you pick someone to be with where things will go wrong. A self-fulfilled prophecy. But sometimes (thank god… or maybe it’s my higher self-esteem) you pick someone, almost automatically, without thinking about it or realizing it, that is absolutely right for you. Or seemingly anyway.

What am I saying? I don’t really know. It’s late, I’m tired, and I have access to make a fool of myself. I will say this. I really like Tony. I really don’t know what I was thinking with Matt. LOL… I found a great song that pertains to Matt. My Bad:
“I heard you be stressing, I hope that you really learned a lesson and realized that I was a blessing. You took my kindness for weakness and look at you now.”
“If I had stuck to my original plan, you’d a been a one night stand, my bad. I should have known you could never be true, I should have treated you like them other guys(girls) do.”
Hehehehe. Especially the one night stand part is true.

Anyway, after Matt, Tony is like a breath of fresh air. I forgot guys could be kind, and sensitive, and respectful, and supportive. I really had forgotten. So it’s a little… strange. I’m still kind of afraid of relationships, a little wary, but I’m willing to try. But very slowly. Still gonna worry though.

Download any Freezepop song. They have one called Tracey Gold. That seriously cracks me up.

Okay, apparently, there is NO DECENT FACSIMILE of the outfit Selene wore in Underworld. Argh. Oh, well. Jeremy sent me an e-mail with some… tasty costume pictures in it so I’ve been looking at costumes all afternoon. I think I like this one the best –> click.

Anyhoo, I really feel… strange lately. Probably because there’s no dramatic crisis that has to be averted. It’s nice. But I still feel kind of wary, like one is just around the corner. I had a nice long talk with my mom yesterday about that dream I had, and with Shayna too, and I think I’ve forgiven myself. I feel a lot better, at least. I realize that I did what I could in that situation, and if I’m the only person that learned something from it, well… that’s sad, but… that’s all I have control of.

I’ve been wanting to cook a lot lately… it’s weird. I DID promise Chris a cake a few weeks ago, so I’m going to make that for him… er… well, I said I would tonight but I think it’ll probably have to be later this week. Because yesterday at the store I had an impulse and bought pasta, chicken, and alfredo sauce. And we all know what that means. At least, I hope. Chicken alfredo!! Yay!! The pasta and sauce parts are easy, but… I’ve never really cooked any kind of meat before. So… I know all about washing your hands a lot b/c of salmonella, but… I think I’ll just wait for my mom to get home to tell me. I got a lot of chicken too. Like 4 breast fillets, and I think I only need one for the pasta. We’ll see how it goes.

After that, hanging out with Tony. Yay! And then to work for two hours. Yeah, I still sort of work at GameStop. A bit. And from what Wade told me, those two hours are going to be extremely busy.

So… I think… yeah… I think I might just be… dare I say it… happy. Right now. I feel relaxed, not stressed or pressured in any way… I’m slightly worried about getting a job, but not really since I’ve accomplished a lot in that department as far as looking and applying. Wow… this is nice. I could get used to this. For the first time I feel like I deserve it a little. I’m just gonna enjoy it. Yeah. Isn’t that what sane people do?

Oh God. It’s happening again. It happens every single time I try to clean out my Favorites. I have TONS of bookmarks for sites that I think just look pretty. Or there’s just something about them that you can sort of pinpoint, but not really duplicate and it just PISSES you off that you look at a thousand websites that have this thing and you can’t for the life of you figure out where yours is.

Or maybe that’s just me.

So I’m anal when it comes to designs. This one, currently, is not bad. It was actually very very nice when I first made it. But like all designs I make, after a while your mindset changes. Life is constant change. People constantly evolve and designs become outdated and not good enough. It’s like a sporadic aesthetic revolution.

And it’s happening to me again.

Notice how I push Return a lot to try and add some poetic drama.