OMG. I KNEW seeing Joy would affect me. I knew it I knew it I knew it. Last night I had a dream that was so emotional, so truthful, and so completely what I’ve been feeling and not realizing that I woke up in tears at 5 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep for several hours. I haven’t talked about this at all online, I’ve really been trying not to, but I feel this dream is too important to leave out.
Shayna calls me and tells me that Sheena is leaving. She’s taking a bus to California and all of my friends and family feel that I should follow her to make sure that she’s okay. So Debbie and I think Shayna decide to go with me, and we’ll all wear disguises and sit seperately from each other and be very inconspicuous on the bus.
Sometime later I get to the bus, but I’m late so I’m in a big rush, and I haven’t gotten any disguise! I look like I normally do, but I figure if I can hide well enough it should be okay.
Outside of the bus Matt Parkes is talking to someone that looks just like him, including Muskogee High letter jacket. Not really sure how relevant this is.
I watch Sheena get on the bus and I follow her. The problem is, she’s kind of late too, so she sits right near the front, and there aren’t as many people on the bus as I thought there were going to be. So I have to do a quick spin and sit in the very front seat so Sheena won’t see me. The other problem is, I have no clue where Debbie and Shayna are. I am all alone on this bus, and I have no disguise, no money, and no plan. I should have gotten off the bus right there, but something makes me stay.
So the bus starts off and for a long time nothing happens, Sheena is I think reading and I’m just sitting in my own thoughts. Sheena talks to some people farther back for a little while, and there’s a couple of narrow misses between her and I but I think I’m still unknown.
At some point we pass a little rabbit wind-up toy banging a drum and walking around promoting Hello Kitty items… (yeah, yeah. shh.) A guy ahead of us, which I recognize and Sheena obviously knows, picks up a couple of Hello Kitty visors and I can’t help myself and say “Can I have one?” He smiles and says, “Sorry. It’s for my girlfriend. She loves Hello Kitty.” I notice Sheena kinda glance at me but I think I’m still good. She then proceeds to go talk to the guy and I use the opportunity to go to the back of the bus and see if I can get a more inconspicuous seat. Everyone on the bus seems familiar, including Avril Lavigne in the back seat. But no one has an extra seat and as I make my way back up the bus, Sheena has already sat down again. I don’t know what to do but then I notice someone familiar sitting behind Sheena.
At first it’s Samantha and she says very loudly “You know Sheena’s on this bus right? You know she’s pregnant, right?” And I shush her and glance around panicky, and suddenly Samantha is now Marisa. At the pregnant comment, Sheena turns around and says to both of us, “Sssh! I thought I was but I took two tests and I’m not. So be quiet.” I kind of gape at her and I say, “You knew I was on the bus.” And she says “Yes, I noticed you a long time ago.” and kind of turns around angrily.
We are at our destination. Sheena gets out and I follow her, kind of at a loss of what to do. Suddenly there isn’t anyone else in the dream except for us. As we got out of the bus, there’s a long red carpet leading up to some kind of building, probably a hotel. Sheena is a few feet ahead of me and as I take a few steps away from the bus, she turns around and demands, “So why did you follow me? You obviously wanted to talk to me about the situation, right?”
I’m standing there, guilty as hell, and I think about why I really did get on the bus. I realize it as I say it to her. “No…. That’s not why I followed you. I… I got on the bus… so you would figure out who I was, and then you would hit me, and scream at me.”
She looks at me strangely, and asks, “Why would you want me to do that?”
Emotion overcomes me. I can’t help it. I fall to the ground and start crying. “Because. Because if you hit me, and yell at me, and cuss at me, then maybe the guilt will go away. Maybe it will make everything okay. If you could just hate me, then it will justify it all.”
She stands there, shocked. I look up at her and continue a bit calmer. “You don’t understand me, Sheena. I can’t hurt anybody knowingly. When this whole thing started, it was like a part of me shut off. I wasn’t the same person. And then, I had to tell you, and all of me came back, and the guilt. It was so terrible. It’s worse now than it ever was before. It follows me like a shadow. If you could just hit me, and hate me, and wish I was dead, then…. I would get what I deserved, and maybe the guilt would start to go away.”
I sit there crying. The dream ends.