This is going to be a really depressing entry. Which I hate doing that because I don’t want to bring anybody down, but this is really bothering me. Going through some stuff today, I found my diary from 2002. And big big mistake, I started reading it. I read until June and then I just had to put it down.

I made SO MANY MISTAKES!!! Mistakes like you wouldn’t believe! Like the right thing to do was staring me directly in the face and I turned the other way! I just couldn’t believe it. There were parts where I watched myself in the past being heartless, and cruel, and selfish, and over-emotional at all the inappropriate times. And through the whole thing, I got this underlying feeling of depression. I was really unhappy last year. Probably because of all the mistakes I made, or maybe I made the mistakes because I was blinded by my unhappiness. Either way, it’s just strange how you can’t see the most obvious things until you look back. Hindsight’s 20/20.

I’m just so mad at myself. I feel stupid. I always told myself I would leave unhappy situations no matter what, but there are times when you just can’t. I also think I was going through things I just didn’t know how to deal with, so I did all kinds of destructive things. And I can’t believe how my own problems blinded me from how important other people’s feelings are. It got better as the year went on, it was only really bad at the beginning, but still. Never again. And see, I say that, and I know I’m going to hurt people in the future. Just because I’ve done it in the past and I know it’s wrong doesn’t mean I’m not going to make mistakes ever again. But why? Why is life like that? People are stupid, and they do stupid things. And OTHER people can see your stupidity. In fact, EVERYBODY but you knows how stupid you’re being. But you don’t see it until after the fact. And everyone does this. And we just continue to make mistakes and learn. I just don’t get it though. It seems kind of pointless going on knowing I’m going to continue to be stupid in the future. It’s very depressing. But then I realized, life is what you make of it. And I’ve always had this semi-depressing attitude. If I just change the way I see things, it will be much better. But how do I do that? Who knows? I’m probably going to read these journal entries someday in the future, these journal entries I’m so proud of because I’m beginning anew and being ADULT, and think how stupid I continue to be.

Argh…. I’m gonna go CLEAN something… maybe that will make me feel better.

Hi everyone!! waves The NSU trip was lots of fun. I played Magic with Tim and Kyle Tuesday night and lost horribly (including the round of strip Magic… don’t worry, I didn’t lose too badly) but it was still a lot of fun. Then we watched Evolution. I didn’t get to hang out with Ricky Tuesday, but we ate lunch the next day so that made up for it. We ate Chinese (yum!) and went to Sam Goody where I purchased the Final Fantasy X soundtrack (woohoo!). Then off to Joanna’s where we had tons of fun eating and playing Cranium. My team won! All thanks to my amazing ability of drawing with my eyes closed. Well, and Duane’s awesome humming. I only stayed a few hours, though, because I started to get this killer headache, so Bryan took me home.

One thing that made me kinda sad was that Gina asked if everybody was ready for school. I was thinking, “Yes…” tear but unfortunately it’s gonna be a while. I really don’t want to wait until next fall, but I don’t want to start in the spring and it’s too late for this fall. Oh well, I’m sure the year will pass quickly (I hope), as long as I can get a good job to keep me busy. I’m thinking about seeing if the library is hiring, since I love books so much. Shayna’s parents are opening up a manga store (in Muskogee no less… yay!) so maybe I could get a job there. It’s so frustrating. sigh

Shayna is going to take me to have a look at Janea’s car later. I hope everything looks okay. This is really a good deal and I want to get a car ASAP. Tomorrow’s payday, and I caught myself making a list of things I wanted to buy in my head. I must save for bills!!! But I do have to go buy Chobits #6, because I ordered it from Waldenbooks. Arg. I just need more money, and more time. I guess everybody needs that. But I’m trying to enjoy life more and worry about that stuff less.

I want to go lay out in the sun and soak up the warm rays, but it’s a little too hot for that. I guess I’ll go play FFIX. Ja ne.

Ummkay. Rocky Horror was canceled, we didn’t go to the Halo tournament because two people had to work, but I did get Paul’s birthday present and it was a nice afternoon of rifle shooting!! It was pretty fun, and I found out I have pretty good aim.

I’m really sick. I think it’s half allergies and half these evil bug bites I got. I believe they’re chiggers, but I’m not for certain. Anyway, I have 28 bites all on my thighs and the back of my knees, and they hurt. And itch. And they sort of look infected. So I’m thinking this is where my stuffy nose came from too. Just a mass allergic reaction. So I’m probably going to need some antibiotics. Not fun.

The good news is that tonight I get to go to Tahlequah and hang out with my good buddies, Kyle and Tim. And I get to see Ricky for a while, too, which is great because I haven’t seen him in forever! And then tomorrow is the big NSU get-together and that’s gonna be awesome. 🙂 I’m happy. I just wish I wasn’t sick for it.

Anyway, that’s about it for now. I don’t have much of anything interesting to say cause I’ve pretty much been holed up at home. Details of the NSU trip when I get back!! Bye. ^-^

I really don’t have much time for a journal entry right now, but there’s a lot of stuff to say. Tonight is the Rocky Horror Picture Show in Tulsa!! Shayna is dragging along Sam, Brandon, and I and making us all dress up. I’m going as Janet, pre-Rocky. I don’t really feel right going though since I’ve only seen Rocky Horror once. But ah well. It should be interesting, at the least.

I’m listening to Ring of Fire remade by the amazing Melissa Kaplan of Splashdown. I love this song, but I can’t figure out how to actually download it on my computer. If anybody knows how, let me know. You can find the song at UHP. It’s the bottom one. I actually listened to UHP’s song Dragonfly and it was really good. Probably my new favorite band, since Mel K’s in it of course.

There’s also a Halo tournament in Tulsa Saturday. Paul, Bryan, and I and maybe Sean or Jeremy are going as a team. I’m so excited! I think we’ll do good, but we could do much better if we had Halo online. Playing online with people that are waaaaay better than you is a surefire way to improve. I’ll let you know how we do. Paul actually has a birthday present for me. On my actual birthday he said he was working on it, and then last night he said that it was ready and today he’d take me to see it. Whatever that means. I’m very intrigued.

Oh! I can’t believe I saved this news for last. The other day I got my license back! For those of you that don’t know, my license was suspended for a wreck that I wasn’t in. I know, strange, long story. Anyway, after a year and a half of getting the runaround, it’s finally all straightened out. And my mom bought me insurance so I can drive in anybody’s car. Isn’t she sweet? As soon as I find a full time job, or at least two part time jobs, I can start making payments on a car. My coworker Janea is selling me her car. So I’m excited. I miss driving so so much.

Okie dokie! I guess that’s it for now. waves Until next time!

So… here it is. My very new and very lovely website. For those of you who didn’t know, my old domain, letomoon.net, was continually down for almost three weeks. I e-mailed CyberPixel support: no answer. Or at least it took them an extremely long time. And then just as they were beginning to say that my site would be back online, imagine my surprise when I typed in my address and came upon a page of Spanish taunting. I don’t really know a lot of Spanish, but I know enough to figure out that my site had been hacked. And that someone has a really high opinion of himself. Hmm… I should put up the hacked page, for entertainment value if nothing else.

So, that was fun. I sent a really hateful e-mail and my money was instantly refunded, and I had a backup of my site before the hacking. Amazing what you can do when you’re in bitch mode. 🙂

After months of searching I found a host that seems really good, aletiahosting.com. But after I paid I found out that it was really a front for two companies, aletianic.com, which is the domain name propogator, and jaguarpc.com, which I guess does pretty much everything else. I had some problems though. They gave me the domain name unmei.net, and it already belonged to someone else. I was pretty disappointed, because unmei means “destiny” in Japanese, and I thought that would be really nice for a webpage. However, all things happen for a reason, usually for the better, and I found this nice new word, ukiyo. In my Japanese dictionary, the listing is:

ukiyo, n. 1. transitory world. 2. fleeting life.

So I am now completely in love with this word. I’m thinking of getting it tattooed in the middle of my back. You know, if I weren’t allergic to pain. So! This will be the entry for a while, I tried to put all my old archives in this new journal (I had to reinstall Movable Type), but the only way I can do that is to cut and paste 250+ entries, and fuck that. And most of them didn’t make sense anyway, with all this stuff about letomoon.net, so I’ll probably make a journal archive page and separate the letomoon entries and the diaryland entries. Plus I’m going to start putting up all the other sites, and hopefully make some new ones. Definetely some new layouts.

I just turned 21 on July 7th!! Yay!! I didn’t realize how nice it felt until my friends and I went on a Mosby trip yesterday and I ordered a spiked lemonade at Famous Dave’s Barbeque. Ah… the pleasures of being legal. But I’m on this big kick now to reinvent myself. Since I am technically an adult now, I feel like I need to improve a lot of things about me and my life. I hope I reflect that on this website. That’s another reason I’m not putting past journal entries on this one. I feel like I need a fresh start, and to put the past behind me.

Well, I better be off to HTML-ing. Ja ne!!