I’ve really been in a funk lately. I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m not even really sure of anything, except that it’s August 1st and I only have 14 more days before I leave. I’m really excited, but really sad too. I daresay I’m going to miss Muskogee. I’ve spent most of my time after high school trying to leave it, but I like my life here. Except career-wise, and then I remind myself why I’m going. It’s only temporary. But isn’t life temporary? What if I miss out by leaving? Why am I such a worry-wart?

I think that’s what’s wrong. I’m just sad. I have pre-homesickness.

Ya know, I had a lengthy retort planned. I really did. But everything I started to type just wasn’t exactly what I wanted to say. So I’ll just link you, and let you read this (I found it from Carrie’s site btw):

CAPAlert’s Butterfly Effect Report

This is a prime example of why I have a personal, private relationship with God and why I choose not to be a religious nutcase. The part that really got me was when he wanted to save the “punks.” When I wear my spiky bracelet or use expletives in public, is there some fanatic walking past that wants to save me? That feels some instant sorrow for my everlasting SOUL? That immediately knows my life history, including how I disobey my parents and cut myself at night and only act this way because I must hate myself and retaliate by rebelling against God? Well, save on brother, save on. The fact that people can’t open their eyes is what saddens ME. There’s a reason why followers are called SHEEP. They spend their lives being mindless and still get eaten by the wolf.

Everybody that is alive must progress and change. Some even believe that is the entire meaning to life. MY God teaches we should love one another. He doesn’t teach us to label and criticize. MY God teaches us to keep our minds on what is good, and holy (something my mom reminds me daily…), so why are these so-called christians (I use lowercase purposely) at these EVIL movies anyway? True Christians don’t need a movie review… they don’t need sheep telling them what to do and where to go… they live, and they ask God for guidance, and they let their children live, and teach them to depend on God.

Argh… that just makes me so angry. It shouldn’t, because everybody has their own personal path they must follow… I know better, and therefore I shouldn’t worry about it. It’s their lesson to learn. But still, it angers me. All I want is peace. I would go so far as to say that this is the same kind of mindset that promotes warfare, because it is: those who believe in a cause so firmly and blindly that they intrude on the lives of others, because they think they are doing the right thing. Every human soul has dignity and deserves respect.

I just… have nothing more to say. Go ahead and pray for my soul if you disagree. Meanwhile, I’m going to go pray that the world gets a bigger dose of compassion.

So… I’ve really gotten into Adult Swim lately. Like, really. I used to hate, HATE Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I know, I know. I’ve always loved Sealab 2021, but how could you not? Anyway, now that I’ve watched ATHF, I keep thinking to myself, “Self? When did you have a big stick up your ass, that you couldn’t let your hair down (figuratively) and watch some funny stuff?” And I don’t know the answer. I really don’t. I also really like Case Closed. I’ve always liked that detective stuff though.

I recently read Origin, and I have a couple of questions. I thought that Wolverine’s only mutation was healing powers, and that’s why whoever the crap they are implanted that adamantium skeletal structure. If this is wrong, and he DID already have the claws, they took the existing ones out and implanted the adamantium? Isn’t that kind of not fair that he has more than one mutation? I personally think this came about from the fact that his mother was a whore, and he miraculously has two fathers. His actual father is supposedly the one that handed down the wolf-y curse, but it is so obvious that his mom was doing Logan, and this is possibly where he got the healing mutation, and why he is able to have genes from two fathers. Cause let’s face it, he looks just like Logan. So him and Sabertooth are actually BROTHERS…. Mahahaaa….

cough

Anyway, back to the non-nerdy world, I got my plane ticket yesterday! Yay! I actually got a round trip ticket because they’re a lot cheaper, and I guess, if I hated it or something, I could always come back. But I’m getting there Sunday, and my return ticket is Wednesday, and that’s really not enough time to decide anything like that. I wouldn’t come back after three days unless it was just awful, like… gigantic worms were eating the dorms. And seeing as it’s Hawai’i, I don’t really see how I won’t like it. Well, except for that whole homesickness thing. sigh I’ve been reading the UHH Orientation forums, and there’s a whole lot of people in the same boat. That gives me some comfort. I just hate how shy I always get around new people. I don’t say much, and kind of look stoic, so other people think I’m just stuck up or mean. I’m going to have to channel Alesha and be more outgoing.

I’m just really a chatterbox today. I’m getting off the subject here. My plane leaves at 7:05AM, and that’s means I need to be at the airport by 5:30, which means I must leave Muskogee by 4:30… ugh. The first flight is just an hour, to Denver, where I have a four hour stopover but the Denver International Airport has a lot of interesting stuff in it so I should be okay. Then a six hour flight to Honolulu, where I will spend the next two hours stuck in the airport while it’s beautiful outside, and finally, another hour-long flight to Hilo, where I actually get to walk outside of the airport! Yay! There’s going to be a shuttle bus from the college to pick up students, and then I get to meet my roommate. I’m really freaking excited and really freaking nervous as it gets closer.

Crystal said it perfectly: Before, when I said I was leaving August 15th, it was like twenty years away, and now it’s like “Oh crap, you’re leaving tomorrow! Dang…”

And there is Roswell on the Sci-Fi channel, and this is where I must leave you.

You may have noticed that the site has been down for a few days. I just have one thing to say about the whole debacle, and that is:

Some people are ridiculously sad.

That being said, I’ve decided to take advantage of this time to revamp my website before I leave for Hawai’i, seeing as how I’ll probably be too busy for a while to do much to it besides post pictures. (And what gorgeous pictures they’re going to be!) Mahaha… I’m so excited.

I ordered my laptop today! Double excitement. Anyhoo, I’m going to work on this some more, but right now, I’m going bowling with my friends. Ja ne.

You know what? Sometimes you just can’t win. I come so fucking far and then lose it somewhere. I don’t understand and I will NEVER understand.

All I know is I’m tired. I’m tired and trepidatious and I’m not even excited about leaving Muskogee anymore. Because these worries are going to follow me to the ends of the earth. Probably even farther.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I’m the shoe.

Argh… I know I haven’t updated. It’s because life is a sucking vortex and I have this one moment to reach out and type something before I am pulled back in the spinning world.

I’m going to work in a little bit. Some upcoming things: Jessi’s party tonight, my b-day, float trip on the 17th, departure Aug 13.

Be back later.

Wow. Have you ever felt that you were standing on the edge of a precipice, about to take the final step over? But not something bad… something wonderful and exciting and scary, like a roller coaster. Like the last few seconds before the hill. You’re at the very top and you can see all around you. Everything is clear. You see the hill and you know how much fun it’s going to be, and still you dread it a little. And you know that once you go over, you won’t be able to see the whole picture anymore, you will be completely absorbed in the moment. So you take this chance you have to see everything you can from this calm, silent vantage point.

This is EXACTLY how I feel. Tomorrow I go down the hill. The point of no return. And just maybe I’m being a little dramatic, but maybe that’s just how I am. Maybe it wouldn’t be as fun if it were any less dramatic. Maybe he feels the same exact way. Maybe I don’t know what I’m doing, what I’m getting into. But just maybe I do.

I absolutely LOVE Nelly Furtado’s new album. LOVE. I have practically discarded the new Alanis album for it. I have barely touched the Alanis CD. I highly advise you to get it.

I know I haven’t written in a while, but I’ve just been so tired. And then when I do write it’s just enigmas. I’m sorry. Please accept this offering of Bailey’s Irish Cream and Kahlua. I’m not really sure why alcohol is suitable for this moment. Huh. Probably because I am really tired, and I haven’t been able to sleep much lately. Or eat. For the last two days I completely forget to eat, or even that food exists, until I start getting so hungry I can’t ignore it. Like I almost pass out. And then I get full really fast and I don’t eat again for another six hours. I had two small meals today. And I’m not hungry. Just…. keyed up.

What is the deal?

I took some pictures yesterday but I’m too tired to post them… Debbie and Mo and I went to Tulsa and ate at Mimi’s (sooo good, and the waitress was flirting with me… everybody seems to be flirting with me lately), bought some Japanese learning books at Barnes and Noble, and then watched The Terminal. Which was alright. I was just glad of the company, even though we didn’t get to go on the float trip. sigh I would really like to just go on ONE before I leave. And here Mosby’s leaving next week. I’ll just have to grab some other friends and go without him. Spoilsport. Pleh.

My mom informed me yesterday that on July 4th we would be having my brother’s birthday party and mine. And I believe on the 5th somebody is having a party… (Carrie? Mary? That rhymes?) and I was told it would be a slash birthday party for me too. So… I don’t have to do any bit of organizing. Karma is good.

Speaking of karma, I must have done something really good in a past life because… well, I can’t tell all the reasons but I have just been so lucky lately, so happy. I was wondering today about my happiness. If I am so happy here, why do I want to leave? But no… it just reinforces my decision because I realize the (main) reason I am so happy is because I know I’m leaving. It’s just that my heart hurts sometimes when I think about my mom, and my friends. If I was moving away permanently I don’t think I could bear it.

I MUST go to sleep now… Konbanwa minna-san.