Author: lindsey

I really really really like The Scientist by Coldplay. Like, a lot. I heard it at the VMA’s and I thought, hey, good song. But then I really listened to it the other day. Dear lord I love it. It’s sad though. Definetely a break-up song. Or a death song, if you go by the video. The thing I love about Coldplay is that it puts you in another world. Well, at least it does me. I always feel like I’m floating in a dream when I hear it. Okay… that sounded a little weird, maybe I should stop talking.

Okay, but Trouble? The first time I heard that song it was like magic. The intro started playing and my eyes instantly glazed over. I just knew then, it was one of those moments where the music starts, your soul mate walks in the door, and you lock eyes for the very first time and just both… know. Of course, nobody walked in the door the first time I heard it. Well, someone did, but it was my Humanities teacher, and… no. I still have hope though! I’m going to be hearing that song and all of a sudden… there he is.

The Scientist actually makes me think about Randy. But in a good way. It’s hard to explain. I’ve come a long way from getting over Randy. It was hard, but I did it. I used to get this terrible sadness. But now, it’s just like a faraway dull ache. And that’s good. That means I can still think about the good times… sometimes, when I need to. And another good thing is that I don’t think about only Randy when I hear the song. That’s just a tiny part of it, but the rest it just feels like… I don’t know, I just think about the whole process that is love.

And now I’m not making any sense. As usual.

After Randy… and Eric… and Justin… and getting my heart broken I don’t know how many times over, I was so scared of love. I’m still scared of love. “Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.” I don’t know though. You can be hurt and keep the bad feelings of love fresh in your memory, but there always comes a point where you miss the good things. Holding hands for the first time… getting lost in someone… going about your daily business and just suddenly remembering that there’s someone out there that really cares for you… people need each other, that’s just human nature.

So am I ready for love? I don’t think any of us ever are. But I think love has a way of making you ready. You just… dive into it, despite all your past grievances and your fears. When you’re coming out of love, it’s hard to remember that it has beauty and grace when you begin it. Maybe I have this love at first sight thing all wrong. Maybe that’s not how you know your soul mate. Maybe your soul mate is the person that you can love forever and the grace and beauty never leave.

Hidey ho. And how is everyone? Greeeat. I’m great. Except I have to go to work today. Blech. Becky and I went to Edgefest Sunday and it was awesome! We did a whole lot of shopping beforehand too. We made it just in time to see Revis, Cold, Mudvayne, and Evanescence. Revis was okay, I actually like their music. Cold was okay too, Becky’s more of a fan there. Neither of us really liked Mudvayne but let me tell you, I didn’t realize that Mudvayne is make out music. You wouldn’t think, huh? But as soon as they started playing, couples started molesting each other all over the place. There was a ton of people there, mostly in major categories. You had your normal(haha) people like Becky, Tyler, Alyssa and I. Then there were the potheads… and there were a lot of those. And of course, the wanna-be goths and the actual cracked-out goths. And then in smaller categories you had the old geezers, including one that kept yelling “Rock and roll!!” and danced the whole time, the CHILDREN… yes, there were children there… that really surprised me. And then the high school kids that do crazy shit just because. There were actually a few babies there too, which wasn’t good with all the weed in the air. One baby actually had a mohawk. That was cool.

Anyway, Becky and I met up with Tyler and Alyssa and walked around a while. I bought an Edgefest T-shirt. Tyler and Alyssa wanted to get up real close for Cold, but I was exhausted from all that shopping, so Becky and I sat near the back for that and Mudvayne. And then… Evanescence played. Right after Mudvayne was finished, Becky and I started making our way closer to the stage and miraculously, we found Tyler and Alyssa. So we scrunched up until we were about 30 feet from the stage towards the right, and then we waited… forever… with a lot of large, pushy, really sweaty guys bumping up against us. Ew. It was really hot, and really noisy. But then Evanescence came on and everybody freaked out! Amy Lee looked so cute, she had on a pink dress with PUNK written all over it, but she got rid of that later for a black tank top. And their stage looked way better than at their last concert. They had these big pipe things that had smoke coming out of them, and the Evanescence E hanging up and on all their speakers. They played all their songs, most of them with different intros and slightly different guitar parts. Their songs sound so much better since evolving from the album. Then they played Bring Me to Life which I had to let Shayna hear via cell phone. There was crowd-surfing going on, and it was really scary because people were getting hurt right and left. There were a couple crowd surfers that got knocked unconscious and had to be carried off, and Tyler told us that before we got there, some guy that had his ear cartilage pierced got it torn halfway down his ear from getting kicked. So since I was the shortest person in a 10-foot radius, everytime a crowd surfer came by I would just cower and let the tall people take care of it. Becky was protecting me. 🙂 There were a couple of times everybody got pretty knocked around though. I remember dodging through stinky bodies at one point to avoid getting knocked over.

But all in all it was awesome. The last song they played was Imaginary, but of course they came out again and played My Immortal, and it went all rock in the middle which was very cool. And then they did the coolest thing! Amy Lee left the stage for a little bit and Ben said they needed someone who could sing Metallica and if they fuck it up they’re getting kicked off the stage. So the first guy came up, and dear lord they were good at playing Metallica. But the guy sucked so they got another one, and he was really good. So they played like four Metallica songs and then… I think it was either then or earlier, they played a Smashing Pumpkins song and Amy Lee sang. They did that at the other concert too. Wait yeah, that was earlier. They played something else for the very last song but I can’t remember what it is. Arg.

Anyway, Becky and I got on the wrong highway so it took us forever to get home, but it was great. That was the first time either of us had been to Edgefest, and I have to say that it was not a bad experience.

Okay. Playlist is officially up. Downloading varies depending on your computer speed. I have low-speed DSL and it took about an hour, but I was also making adjustments to my website and downloading from Kazaa as well. I hope you enjoy the music! I want to hear feedback about what you think!!

I had really weird dreams last night. Kinda scary too. The kind of dreams that leave you with a sickly, alternate-universe, surreal feeling. Ugh. It didn’t really help that I awoke to the sharpest crack of thunder EVER. It sounded like the lightning struck the roof directly above my head. But no. It was a nice rain today, though. I’m the kind of person that could definetely live in Seattle and like it. It’s supposed to rain tonight and tomorrow too. Woohoo…

So I have officially spent my 88 bucks and the postal testing materials are being shipped to my house. I’m excited! Even though it could take months to get this job. But I’ll have lots of money! And insurance! Even dental! Yay teeth fixed! Boo dentists, but yay straight teeth! Even though Japanese people think crooked teeth are sexy. Oh well. I’m not IN Japan right now.

I’m watching Twister… I love that movie. It’s just so… cheesy and cool at the same time. And good for stormy days. I always wanted to be a tornado chaser. I’ve always wanted to do a lot of things. My life to do list:
astronaut
FBI agent
storm chaser/meteorologist
astro-physicist
singer/actress
violinist (is that right?)
and of course, Japanese translator

sigh So much to do, so little time. I believe I wanted to be an art teacher and a podiatrist at one point. Ew, what was I thinking? Most people’s feet are pretty nasty. The strange dreams of children. I still really want to be an astronaut though. I want to go to the moon. 🙂

I think I’m going to put up a site called Playlist. I’m going to upload a bi-monthly playlist so everybody can download. They’re each going to have a theme too. I think the first one is going to be Mellow. And the next one probably Dance. So anyway, I’ll get started on that. Ja ne!

Ahoy, ahoy. Okay, I am really wondering who left the “I miss you” message on the tagboard. Fess up!! There’s always e-mail, ya know. I know part of your IP address too. HAHA. I am really close to… well, not really, because I need the whole IP address. So you may have won the battle, but the war…

Woah. Nevermind. Um, so yeah, there hasn’t been much social activity from me lately, because mostly everybody went back to school (I still have Debbie though!! clings) and well, let’s just say I have been spending some quality time with Mosby’s PS2. He let me borrow it for the semester (and hopefully the school year… hint, hint) and I have been playing it like a muthafu… well, you get the idea.

He let me borrow Dot Hack 1, Final Fantasy X, and Xenosaga, and mostly I have been playing Dot Hack. But by the grace of the wonderful gods… and Wade, I guess… I got to check out the most enjoyable game in the entire world besides Halo, Amplitude. I heart that game so much. I’ve only had it since yesterday and I’ve already beat the Mellow and Normal levels, and now I’m up to Brutal, which is… brutal. I don’t think I’m going to attempt Insane. The coolest part about the game though, is that once you beat it on normal, you can just play the soundtrack, and make your own playlists and stuff. I have a new favorite song from the game, Super Sprode by Freezepop. My fingers hurt a little bit though.

So, besides that, I pretty much go to work, and sleep, and occasionally hang out with the “Stuck in Muskogee” friends, when everybody’s free. To feel good. Sorry, Romeo and Juliet flashback. Anyway, so the lack of writing is not because I choose to hold back all the juicy details. It’s because… there are no juicy details. The two most exciting things happening in my life right now are my mom lets me drive her new Buick now, and I have a good chance of becoming a Postal Worker. Which would be tons of fun. Maybe I can be a mail carrier. Free exercise. Well, no, I guess it would be paid exercise. $14.50 an hour paid exercise. Woohoo!

Anyway, I guess there’s one other thing. Based on a dream I had and Shayna’s perfect insight into EVERYTHING, I am now officially Ready For A Relationship. But that’s not really that exciting. I feel no different. I still have this heart-pounding, bowel-halting, panic-inducing and absolutely-justified fear of anything male, but oh well. I’m ready for a relationship. Whoopideedoo.

Ick. For some reason I feel the need to go over and kill mass quantities of people on Halo. With the shotgun. And maybe some frag grenades. Maybe to restore my… masculinity? Kick-ass femininity? And please don’t call me a dyke because it really hurts my feelings. Would you sign my yearbook?

Today I read Where the Heart Is again. There’s just something about that story that makes me feel at home. It’s set in Oklahoma, and I just get this certain pride that I live here when I read it. I really do love Oklahoma, because I was born here, and I know the land, and I know the weather. And I know this town like the back of my hand. Yes, I want to leave. Yes, I want to go on to bigger and better things. But I love where I’m from. Reading this book today, just… I don’t know. It’s like something clicked in my head, like a solution to a problem I’ve been thinking about for a long time. Maybe something about happiness.

I’ve made goals for myself. I am definetely going to try my absolute hardest to get into this college I want to go to. I’m thinking about just calling them now to let them know I’m planning on applying. I’m going to fill out all the forms on time, and I even started working on my personal essay for the application. Another goal is to improve certain things in my life before I leave for college. I want to get everything right this time. I want to pay off all my bills and be financially sound. I want to have a car in good condition and know how to fix it myself. I want to get rid of most of the crap I have so I just have the bare necessities. I’m going to be living in a dorm room so there’s not a whole lot of stuff I can really cling to. I think I’ll be able to leave a few things in the garage with my mom, but not much. Chris Coleman is planning to live out in California too. The college he wants to go to has already asked him to come and they’d give him a part-time job at LucasArts. He said he’s going to rent a house down there so I could live there during the summers. That would be nice. But of course, nothing is certain so I need to find some backup plans too. Hmm… I think we have a cousin in California…

Anyway, there’s a long time to go for that, but I’m working on things slowly and surely. Another goal is to not be in a relationship in my remaining time here. That’s kind of an odd goal, but I just don’t want to be with anybody and it’s too hectic a time in my life to have a relationship. Knowing fate and life and the way they are, I’m probably going to meet someone and this goal will be shot to crap, but I’ll try anyway.

Oh yeah, before I forget, Shayna’s mom is opening a manga store in Muskogee!! Yay manga!! It’s not set up yet but it’s going to be in the old jewelry store on York where the dude got shot. Let’s hope that’s not a bad omen. But anyway, it will be really easy to tell people where it is. “… you know, where the dude got shot.” So be sure to look for it in the future and spend all your money there!! ^-^

Ja ne minna! Daisuke!

Here I am, talking about things I shouldn’t be talking about online again. I’m so predictable…

Everyone thinks I’m so vindictive towards Matt. All his friends think that I told Aaron the whole story because I wanted Aaron to hate Matt, and to break up their friendship. That wasn’t my intention at all. I thought that Aaron already knew Matt’s part of the story, and I didn’t want Aaron to think of me the way I know Matt must have portrayed me. I didn’t mean to cause problems in their friendship. Aaron already knew how Matt treats girls, I didn’t think it would affect the way he thinks of him as a friend. But I guess, even if you try to do something for good reasons, if everyone else thinks you’re just trying to create problems, it turns out bad anyway. And Aaron probably thinks I did it just to get back at Matt too. I get the feeling he’s pretty much avoiding me so what I did didn’t even do any good. I guess it was the wrong thing to do.

I don’t really care what Matt or his friends think of me, because they’re going to think whatever Matt tells them. That’s a given in this kind of situation. But I don’t want anyone to think that I want vengeance. Trust me, I’ve learned that trying to “get back at someone” only causes more strife. I don’t want to get back at Matt. I don’t want to make things difficult for him. I just want to put it all behind me and move on.

When a relationship ends, everyone throws blame around. I don’t want to do this, but in this situation, the pattern of what happened became obvious to me after it was over. Matt wanted to manipulate me from the beginning. It wasn’t about a relationship, or cheating. He just wanted to see if he could manipulate me. And he succeeded to a point. And this makes me extremely ashamed of myself for being so gullible. I found out, much later than I should have, that Matt was much more immature than I had thought. Anyone that thinks of other people as inferior and tries to control them is someone to stay away from, but I didn’t realize it until too late.

I’m not saying these things to bash anyone, I’m saying this because I’m terribly hurt. I always want to believe that people are good, that they’re filled with goodness towards humanity and all that, and it just depresses me when I find out that not everyone is like that. Including myself when I’m like that sometimes. I’m sad because what I thought was a good person turned out not to be, and I don’t know how many more times I can go through this and not be completely jaded. On the other hand, I feel strengthened from this because I’m going to be more cautious in the future when trusting people. All I want from this situation is to learn from it, like every other situation, and leave it behind me. All those that want to create drama, just go ahead. I’m past the point where it could affect me.

Edit: Choadit, you’re probably the only one that’s going to read this, but… here you go.
I found out later that someone had been telling me a lot of lies about Matt, for whatever reason they had. So all this pain could have been completely avoided. Which sucks, but oh well… can’t do anything about it now. Except, not be so gullible in the future. I worry about everything, and in this situation I expected the worst to happen because of my own insecurity, and so when someone told me the worst DID happen, I automatically believed it. So Matt isn’t the bad person I’ve been thinking he is. He didn’t manipulate me or hurt me intentionally. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I could go back and fix things. I always wanted you to do the right thing. I wanted you to realize and become the good person I know you are… But I never realized that if you did the right thing, it would mean that I’d lose you.

I’m still glad, though. You did the right thing.

Ok. Weird, weird dream. It started out in GameStop, but I don’t really remember what happened. Then I was outside, except it felt like a classroom because there were about 13 rows of desks filled with people I knew, and it was night. I was sitting on the ground in front of the desks with some other people, and Justin and Matt were sitting in the back row right next to each other. I heard Justin say to Matt “I really really like Lindsey.” So Matt said, in a really annoyed voice, “If you like her that much, just go for it. I don’t care.” So Justin got really happy and started talking to me, like it was up to Matt or something. Except I didn’t know. I didn’t really think I wanted to be with Justin anymore, and I was telling Shayna about this. So it’s later, suddenly, and I’m in the house on the corner of Baltimore (where I used to live), except it looks much newer and grander, and it’s sort of like a dorm. And next door, where my old house was, there’s a furniture store, and apparently Justin’s dad owns it and Justin works there. So I’m chewing gum and I want to spit it out, but I go outside and try to spit it out, and it gets stuck in my teeth and I’m pulling and pulling on it. While I’m out there it feels really scary and I watch cats roam around from the shadows of the porch. Then I see these crackhead guys trying to break in to the furniture store. One throws a brick and breaks the front door, but it doesn’t make a sound. I run back inside to tell Justin, and he comes out of Shayna’s room naked, except for a towel. Except, now, strangely, he’s a centaur. I just sort of stop and look at him all hurtful, and he sheepishly goes into the back room to put some clothes on. Then I remember and I run yelling, “Justin! There’s someone breaking into the store!” So I run back outside with him after me and the crackhead guy is running away from the store. I yell, “That’s him! He lives there! I saw him come out.” Justin just kind of looks at the guy and says, “Well, it’s not really a big deal. Do you want to kiss me?” Then I woke up.

Strange. Very strange. Especially since I haven’t thought about Justin in a long time. Usually when I haven’t seen an ex-love interest in a long time, and then dream about him, it’s usually all lovey-dovey and makes me miss him. But I just sort of felt this disgust for Justin in this dream. And Matt too. But that goes without saying.

I went to see Bend It Like Beckham with Alesha last night. It was really good. It sorta makes me want to play soccer. You know, I’ve always wanted to, ever since I was a little kid, but my mom wouldn’t let me play cause she thought it was too dangerous. Hmm. Imagine how much different my life would be if I had played soccer. I probably never would have gotten into choir, and I would be really athletic today. And have a whole different set of friends. Ack. I think I love my friends now. And it’s never to late to become athletic, so to speak.

I also seriously fell in love with the guy in the movie. I can’t remember his real name. British guys are just hot. sigh Of course, I’ve found myself being very lustful and wanting a relationship lately. I really don’t think I’m ready, and I certainly don’t logically want any kind of relationship with a guy right now. But I am a hopeless romantic. So everytime I start to think about it, I just cover my eyes and chant the word “celibacy” over and over. It’s kinda funny, actually.

Oh! I got hired at Dickenson. I have crossed over to the Dark Side. Anyway, this is good. It means I’m gonna be rollin’ in the money. Well, sort of. That, and really tired, so I can’t even spend the money I make. That’s okay. It’s for bills and a car anyway. I love driving Shayna’s car! I love the freedom it gives me. But, I don’t like the gas money part and the fact that her CD player skips terribly. sigh It’s really not the same at all as having my own car. But I’m getting there. Slowly. Janea’s really excited that I’m going to buy her car.

Okay, I better go. I have to get ready for work and then stop by Shayna’s on the way and let her hamster run around for a bit. Ja ne!

Edit: Oh yeah, for those that don’t know, Justin is an ex from a year ago. He was the Jehovah’s Witness. And Matt is an ex from not so long ago. He’s a Jewish Asshole.

Hey everybody! Shayna got me a card telling me I was a good friend. Woohoo! That automatically makes me a good friend. 🙂 Except she kept using it as an excuse. She’d make fun of me, and then say “I got you a card!!” Haha…. funny… Er. Anyway.

Last night Shayna and I watched LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring, the extended version. It’s so much better! If you have the means, I would suggest not ever watching the cut version again. Ever.

I’ve been in a pretty good mood since yesterday for two reasons. One, I think I found my perfect college! I had sort of overlooked it before, but I was looking up their Japanese program and discovered all these wonderful things about it! Like, they have a special dorm set aside for their Language students, and all the people studying one particular language all live right next to each other. I think this is an awesome idea. Plus, it has it’s own cafeteria where you can all sit together too, but you have to primarily speak the language you’re studying. This is optional however, which is good, because I think I would get tired of this every day. Anyway, it’s really awesome. Oh, yeah, I guess I should tell you which college it is, huh? It’s called Pomona College and it’s in Claremont, California. 35 minutes away from LA!!! Woo! Maybe I’ll just go on a random audition one day and become a tres famous actress. Maybe. You never know. And it’s one step closer to Luke Wilson! Not that I’m a stalker or anything. So anyway, I plan to go there next fall. And they have a really awesome study abroad program, so by Fall 2006 I could be in Japan as a student! I’m so excited.

The second reason I’m in a good mood is because I watched Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. Now this may seem like a strange reason to be in a good mood, but I’d never seen it before, and even though I didn’t get to see all of it, it just really touched me. I was crying. And the way he lived his life just inspired me so much. Watching this movie, right after I found the greatest college ever? I’m just so driven to acheive all my dreams now. Kodak moment

So… on a different subject… I’ve never really liked Justin Timberlake. At all. And then I saw the video to “Cry Me a River.” Just the fact that he would have the guts to make it obviously about Britney Spears, and to show everybody that he was hurting over her, but that she was being a total bitch, that just gave me new respect for the man. It’s like the I Hate Britney Spears Club just got a new president. 😀 And of course, Britney responded in Elle magazine:

In the article, Britney showed she’s still upset with how Justin Timberlake handled their break-up, from his interviews, to his “Cry Me a River” video, which featured a Britney look-alike. Spears said: “Freakin’ horrible. You know what I mean? It was hard for me that he was so exploitative. Every interview that he did, he was talking about us in such an open way and I just felt, ‘Is nothing sacred any more?’”

Mahaha… she’s just so stupid. “Freakin’?” Come on. Did we graduate high school? I hate her. Anyway, that’s it for today. Ja ne!

This is going to be a really depressing entry. Which I hate doing that because I don’t want to bring anybody down, but this is really bothering me. Going through some stuff today, I found my diary from 2002. And big big mistake, I started reading it. I read until June and then I just had to put it down.

I made SO MANY MISTAKES!!! Mistakes like you wouldn’t believe! Like the right thing to do was staring me directly in the face and I turned the other way! I just couldn’t believe it. There were parts where I watched myself in the past being heartless, and cruel, and selfish, and over-emotional at all the inappropriate times. And through the whole thing, I got this underlying feeling of depression. I was really unhappy last year. Probably because of all the mistakes I made, or maybe I made the mistakes because I was blinded by my unhappiness. Either way, it’s just strange how you can’t see the most obvious things until you look back. Hindsight’s 20/20.

I’m just so mad at myself. I feel stupid. I always told myself I would leave unhappy situations no matter what, but there are times when you just can’t. I also think I was going through things I just didn’t know how to deal with, so I did all kinds of destructive things. And I can’t believe how my own problems blinded me from how important other people’s feelings are. It got better as the year went on, it was only really bad at the beginning, but still. Never again. And see, I say that, and I know I’m going to hurt people in the future. Just because I’ve done it in the past and I know it’s wrong doesn’t mean I’m not going to make mistakes ever again. But why? Why is life like that? People are stupid, and they do stupid things. And OTHER people can see your stupidity. In fact, EVERYBODY but you knows how stupid you’re being. But you don’t see it until after the fact. And everyone does this. And we just continue to make mistakes and learn. I just don’t get it though. It seems kind of pointless going on knowing I’m going to continue to be stupid in the future. It’s very depressing. But then I realized, life is what you make of it. And I’ve always had this semi-depressing attitude. If I just change the way I see things, it will be much better. But how do I do that? Who knows? I’m probably going to read these journal entries someday in the future, these journal entries I’m so proud of because I’m beginning anew and being ADULT, and think how stupid I continue to be.

Argh…. I’m gonna go CLEAN something… maybe that will make me feel better.