Author: lindsey

Yeah… it has been a long time since I’ve made an entry. So what’s been going on the last few days? Not much of anything. Oh, yeah, and if I’m typing funny, it’s because I’m watching Buffy. Yeah… that’s sort of what’s been going on the last few days. I bought Season 4 a while ago, but I wanted to watch the entirety of Seasons 1, 2, and 3 first since I haven’t seen all the episodes. I haven’t seen hardly ANY of Season 2 because that’s when Crapogee didn’t have the WB. So I borrowed Season 1 from Shayna, and then after that was over, I decided I was kind of bored so I went ahead and put in Season 4. Which is way longer than Season 1. So… happy.

I look so totally hot today. I mean, really, not trying to brag on myself or anything, because we all know I’m superhero Low Self-Esteem Lindsey, but I have to say… hotness. And that’s really good because I was driving to pick up something for my mom, and there’s this Caddy in the next lane just trying to pass me just to say they passed me… you can always tell the people like that. Anyway, I just kind of got a… feeling, so I put on my best annoyed face to look at the driver as it passed me, and annoyed-face quickly turned to shock-face because the driver was Matt. So that was… weird.

In other news, I’ve made a decision. Well, I made it a while ago in the midst of… a crisis. I’m definetely going to try for the California thing. I just can’t stay here any longer. Muskogee is so… ick. So, excited about that. Already making plans. 😀

Alright, I have to say that I am a nerd. But a curious one. So, you know those commercials about eHarmony.com where the guy is talking about people learning about themselves and finding somebody compatible? Well, so I tried it. Not to find anybody!! Because the singles thing is so eww and plus, already have somebody. But I thought the learning about yourself part would be nice. So I looked on the site, and I looked at the prices, and it is hella expensive. But you can do the little quiz learny thingie for free, so I did that, and it was kinda helpful. But I get this e-mail today and apparently it will still find matches for you even if you haven’t paid. So I look at my matches. There’s four. The first one’s name is Matt. Delete. The others are all like 27 and in careers already. One is actually still in college but on his profile he makes like eight grammatical or spelling errors. I don’t know if you guys know this, but… kind of a perfectionist in that area. And if someone else makes errors like that, I MUST point them out and it kind of aggravates me. It’s a pet peeve right up there with creases in book bindings. shudders Anyway, it’s kind of funny. Not the crease thing, the eHarmony thing.

So, anyway, that’s it. Oh yeah… bought the first Buffy game on XBox, and Frequency for PS2. But right now I’m stuck on Primal, because I think there’s a glitch in it. And I’m going to see Kill Bill tonight with Tony. Yay! Back to Buffy, talk to you guys later. 🙂

Okie dokie. I have a strange story. I’m doing some uncluttering of my room and I make this huge stack of old books that I want to sell on Amazon.com. So I sell one book and the address is really weird, and there’s a number after the name. So I send it off anyway, and it comes back about a week later, and the postal worker isn’t sure why. So I e-mail the person that bought it asking if it was the right address. And here was the reply:

Greetings,
Ms Axxxxxxxx’s address, although rather peculiar, is genuine. She is an inmate in the Texas State prison system. The problem with the book is that the prison censors refused to admit it – probably because it is about Wicca – if it had been a Christian Bible it would have gone through immediately!
Just put the book back into your inventory, and please keep the money as compensation for the inconvenience I have inadvertently caused you.
Best Wishes,
Dxxxxx Kxxx

I was like…. eh? My eye just started twitching when I read that. Great… I’m selling books to prison inmates. The funny thing is though… I’m not into wicca anymore, but… last time I checked, it’s a totally legal religion. So wouldn’t the fact that they don’t allow people to study a legal religion be kind of… I don’t know… illegal? Feh… strange.

Anyway, not really much news besides that. Well, okay, some news, but none I want to talk about. Except you HAVE to read this story Eric wrote. It’s so amazingly, freakishly good. That is all.

Okay, the news I didn’t think was that important? Well, I’ll just talk about it anyway. It’s very long, and kind of personal, but here it is:

It seems to me that there are certain events in my life that are culminating, certain traumatic events. What my stepmom (previous, not current) did to me, the non-existent relationship with my dad, and the Randy breakup thing all seem to happen or I’m reminded of them at the same time. It’s becoming obvious to me that they all must be related.

The stepmom/dad thing isn’t hard to link. I’ve always felt that what happened was just as much my dad’s fault because he chose to turn a blind eye to the whole situation. Well, I can’t really say CHOSE because he probably just refused to believe that anything was wrong because he didn’t want to. So there’s resent there on my part, and stubbornness on his part because he will never admit to me that anything he did was wrong, or even anything Pat, my stepmom, did. The Randy thing is a little harder to connect, but if you believe what I think Freud said first, that male relationships are all affected by the relationship with the father, it becomes more clear. You could even generalize the Randy thing into all male relationships that I’ve had. And once again, it seems like everything is happened or reliving at once.

Back in my last semester at NSU, several things happened. My father and I had an argument, a pretty bad one, Randy told me he was in love with Jennifer, which was very hard, and then the dreams and flashbacks started. I’m not going to describe everything Pat did to me, mostly because I don’t want to relive the memories again, but the main event, the worst thing she ever did, became impossible for me to ignore anymore. When it first happened, when I was eight, I suffered from all kinds of psychological problems. I was terrified of any strangers, and of most people. I was scared to death to go to school and most mornings my mom would have to force me to get on the bus. I suffered post-traumatic stress disorder which turned into panic disorder, which eventually turned into agoraphobia, which is what I currently have today. I had panic attacks usually 30-40 times a day, and because I wanted to forget everything that had happened, my memory went crazy, where I would forget all the most recent things that had happened to me and random long-term memory flashes would just happen uncontrollably. It was a terrible, terrible time and there are days when I look back and can’t believe I made it through so much.

The panic attacks continued, although with every passing year they lessened. By the time I went to college, they were mostly gone, or as much as I could ask for. I would only have about one every two weeks. But something happened that last semester. I don’t know if it was stress, or everything happening at once, or what, but I began to get these flashes of what Pat did to me. And then one day, the whole scene of the worst thing. It was like I was there again, I couldn’t stop the memory, and I remembered things that I’ve never remembered before. It caused a nervous breakdown. I would cry uncontrollably at night, and the fear would take me so much in the daytime that I wouldn’t be able to leave my room. I started having panic attacks every day again, even in my room, which usually, if I’m in a safe place, they don’t happen. And when I did force myself to go outside I was in a state of constant anxiety. That’s the reason I had to drop out. I ended up passing with so-so grades, but looking back, I should have talked to somebody about it, my professers or a couselor or something and they could have helped me. But one thing about anxiety from an event like this, there’s only two or three “safe” people that you can share your fear with. Agoraphobia means being afraid of having a panic attack, so it’s sort of a lose-lose situation, and the main thing about it is you don’t want anyone ELSE to know that you have them. So I hid it from everybody. All my friends just thought I was unhappy.

I went home, and that episode passed although I fell into depression for a long time after that. That’s when I really knew I still had a serious problem. It’s affecting my life in a major way. I keep tricking myself into thinking I have it under control, when the panic attacks have tapered off and I start to feel better, but then I realize, that only happens when I spend my time hiding from the world. I really want to fix this problem but I know it’s going to be really really hard. Which brings me to everything else.

Randy’s visiting. I dreamed about my father last night and how he wanted me to leave his sight. And the panic attacks are starting again. I think it all centers around my father. If I could just fix that… then everything else will fall into place. I think. But the problem is… I have no desire to talk to him. He affects me more than any other living being can. Whenever I try to talk to him about anything remotely deeper than the weather, I always end up crying. And when I think about him now, a nice empty feeling of general objectivity blocks everything. It started when I didn’t call him on Father’s Day. Twice. I know you’re thinking I’m a crappy daughter but I have good reasons. The first time I was stuck at NSU with no car, no long distance so no way to call him, and I believe I did send him an e-card. But he still got mad. The next year (which was this year) I was working all day and meant to call him the next day but I got very busy. I know that’s not really an excuse but if you knew the countless times when I was a child that he promised to do something with me and then was “too busy” you would be a little more understanding. I’m a busy person!! I forget things!! I have to make lists to do my own laundry and pay my bills because I just forget. Like I said, my memory’s shot.

So his birthday is the day after mine. I made SURE that I got him a present and that I was going to call him on his birthday. On my birthday, I didn’t hear anything from him. Well, he’s busy, I think, not really worried about it. So the next day I call and leave a message saying happy birthday and that I got him a present. He never called me back. EVER. To this day I haven’t heard from him. Okay, is it me, or is this a really childish thing to do? I mean, he’s my FATHER. Shouldn’t he look past these things I’ve forgotten and know that I love him? Even if he WASN’T sure, shouldn’t he be the bigger person and call his own daughter to say belated happy birthday? Gee, maybe it’s just me.

Anyway… I wish I knew what to do. I’m thinking I should probably talk to a psychologist… maybe even get Zoloft or something. I bought a book today called The Panic and Anxiety Workbook so hopefully that will help. I don’t know how this situation is going to work out, all these things happening at once again. But maybe if I realize what’s happening while it’s happening, I can avoid the panic and the depression and emerge victorious this time.

Feel free to give me your thoughts, opinions. I love you guys!

So okay… just ignore that whole thing I said about Tricky. nervous laugh So anyhoo… I have some sort of big news. So guess who’s visiting this weekend? All the way from Houston? Yeah… Randy… and he’s bringing pictures of his new baby girl, Hayley… er, I think that’s how you spell it. So that’s kinda… cool.

No, I will be really glad to see him. We’ve been best friends ever since the 10th grade. I just think it might be a little weird. But maybe not. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. Maybe I’m paranoid? Ha! I invented the word. We’re supposed to go to a Muskogee football game Friday night. LOL I think it’s kind of strange that he wants to go to one. I haven’t really had the desire to since I graduated. But I guess if you’ve been away from your hometown so long you get kind of homesick for the familiar things.

I finally played Halo for PC. It pretty much sucked. I haven’t gotten the chance to play multiplayer but I don’t see it being as good as playing through the XBox. So… yeah… don’t buy it. If you were planning to. I have been playing Primal for PS2 lately. That’s a really awesome game. The one I have is borrowed from Chris but I’m thinking of buying it. Ooh! One game I will definetely get when it comes out is Karaoke Revolution. It’s so awesome!! You get a headset and you sing karaoke, and they judge you on beat and pitch. It’s like DDR but you sing!!! I’m so excited!! Okay… and I am a dork. And now I’m starting to talk like Tony.

Other than that, nothing at all is happening, because ever since I quit GameStop, I have been working there more than ever. I actually suffered from exhaustion yesterday, but after a 12 hour nap I feel much better. But yay money! And I have made a Plan. I can’t tell you all the details, because usually when I do it doesn’t happen, but just so you know… Lindsey has a Plan.

Okay… Butterfly came on Winamp so… I think I’m going to play DDR. Ja ne!

Have I ever expressed my love of Hooverphonic to you? Well, I love them. Completely. They remind me of Tricky, but I don’t love Tricky quite the same. Sometimes I think the only reason I like Tricky is because he’s the mixed British guy in the Fifth Element.

Halo for PC is sitting right here beside me, and I haven’t put it in the computer. Why you ask? Well, I think it’s two reasons. One, I was going to clear some hard drive space for it so I started listening to all my music to see which I could delete, and I sort of got sidetracked in the music. Two, I’m a little afraid. What if it doesn’t measure up? What if I don’t like it because I’ve been kinda tired of Halo lately? What if my computer doesn’t run it right, or I want to play online and my crappy connection won’t let me do it? So many fears, only one way to find out.

This is very much the way I think. Something that seems to be perfectly fine, I will find things about it to be scared of. I worry from habit, even if everything seems okay. Because I’m always afraid that something’s lurking around the corner, waiting to screw things up. I think that sort of invites it though. Especially in love. You think things are going to screw up, so you pick someone to be with where things will go wrong. A self-fulfilled prophecy. But sometimes (thank god… or maybe it’s my higher self-esteem) you pick someone, almost automatically, without thinking about it or realizing it, that is absolutely right for you. Or seemingly anyway.

What am I saying? I don’t really know. It’s late, I’m tired, and I have access to make a fool of myself. I will say this. I really like Tony. I really don’t know what I was thinking with Matt. LOL… I found a great song that pertains to Matt. My Bad:
“I heard you be stressing, I hope that you really learned a lesson and realized that I was a blessing. You took my kindness for weakness and look at you now.”
“If I had stuck to my original plan, you’d a been a one night stand, my bad. I should have known you could never be true, I should have treated you like them other guys(girls) do.”
Hehehehe. Especially the one night stand part is true.

Anyway, after Matt, Tony is like a breath of fresh air. I forgot guys could be kind, and sensitive, and respectful, and supportive. I really had forgotten. So it’s a little… strange. I’m still kind of afraid of relationships, a little wary, but I’m willing to try. But very slowly. Still gonna worry though.

Download any Freezepop song. They have one called Tracey Gold. That seriously cracks me up.

Okay, apparently, there is NO DECENT FACSIMILE of the outfit Selene wore in Underworld. Argh. Oh, well. Jeremy sent me an e-mail with some… tasty costume pictures in it so I’ve been looking at costumes all afternoon. I think I like this one the best –> click.

Anyhoo, I really feel… strange lately. Probably because there’s no dramatic crisis that has to be averted. It’s nice. But I still feel kind of wary, like one is just around the corner. I had a nice long talk with my mom yesterday about that dream I had, and with Shayna too, and I think I’ve forgiven myself. I feel a lot better, at least. I realize that I did what I could in that situation, and if I’m the only person that learned something from it, well… that’s sad, but… that’s all I have control of.

I’ve been wanting to cook a lot lately… it’s weird. I DID promise Chris a cake a few weeks ago, so I’m going to make that for him… er… well, I said I would tonight but I think it’ll probably have to be later this week. Because yesterday at the store I had an impulse and bought pasta, chicken, and alfredo sauce. And we all know what that means. At least, I hope. Chicken alfredo!! Yay!! The pasta and sauce parts are easy, but… I’ve never really cooked any kind of meat before. So… I know all about washing your hands a lot b/c of salmonella, but… I think I’ll just wait for my mom to get home to tell me. I got a lot of chicken too. Like 4 breast fillets, and I think I only need one for the pasta. We’ll see how it goes.

After that, hanging out with Tony. Yay! And then to work for two hours. Yeah, I still sort of work at GameStop. A bit. And from what Wade told me, those two hours are going to be extremely busy.

So… I think… yeah… I think I might just be… dare I say it… happy. Right now. I feel relaxed, not stressed or pressured in any way… I’m slightly worried about getting a job, but not really since I’ve accomplished a lot in that department as far as looking and applying. Wow… this is nice. I could get used to this. For the first time I feel like I deserve it a little. I’m just gonna enjoy it. Yeah. Isn’t that what sane people do?

Oh God. It’s happening again. It happens every single time I try to clean out my Favorites. I have TONS of bookmarks for sites that I think just look pretty. Or there’s just something about them that you can sort of pinpoint, but not really duplicate and it just PISSES you off that you look at a thousand websites that have this thing and you can’t for the life of you figure out where yours is.

Or maybe that’s just me.

So I’m anal when it comes to designs. This one, currently, is not bad. It was actually very very nice when I first made it. But like all designs I make, after a while your mindset changes. Life is constant change. People constantly evolve and designs become outdated and not good enough. It’s like a sporadic aesthetic revolution.

And it’s happening to me again.

Notice how I push Return a lot to try and add some poetic drama.

OMG. I KNEW seeing Joy would affect me. I knew it I knew it I knew it. Last night I had a dream that was so emotional, so truthful, and so completely what I’ve been feeling and not realizing that I woke up in tears at 5 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep for several hours. I haven’t talked about this at all online, I’ve really been trying not to, but I feel this dream is too important to leave out.

Shayna calls me and tells me that Sheena is leaving. She’s taking a bus to California and all of my friends and family feel that I should follow her to make sure that she’s okay. So Debbie and I think Shayna decide to go with me, and we’ll all wear disguises and sit seperately from each other and be very inconspicuous on the bus.

Sometime later I get to the bus, but I’m late so I’m in a big rush, and I haven’t gotten any disguise! I look like I normally do, but I figure if I can hide well enough it should be okay.

Outside of the bus Matt Parkes is talking to someone that looks just like him, including Muskogee High letter jacket. Not really sure how relevant this is.

I watch Sheena get on the bus and I follow her. The problem is, she’s kind of late too, so she sits right near the front, and there aren’t as many people on the bus as I thought there were going to be. So I have to do a quick spin and sit in the very front seat so Sheena won’t see me. The other problem is, I have no clue where Debbie and Shayna are. I am all alone on this bus, and I have no disguise, no money, and no plan. I should have gotten off the bus right there, but something makes me stay.

So the bus starts off and for a long time nothing happens, Sheena is I think reading and I’m just sitting in my own thoughts. Sheena talks to some people farther back for a little while, and there’s a couple of narrow misses between her and I but I think I’m still unknown.

At some point we pass a little rabbit wind-up toy banging a drum and walking around promoting Hello Kitty items… (yeah, yeah. shh.) A guy ahead of us, which I recognize and Sheena obviously knows, picks up a couple of Hello Kitty visors and I can’t help myself and say “Can I have one?” He smiles and says, “Sorry. It’s for my girlfriend. She loves Hello Kitty.” I notice Sheena kinda glance at me but I think I’m still good. She then proceeds to go talk to the guy and I use the opportunity to go to the back of the bus and see if I can get a more inconspicuous seat. Everyone on the bus seems familiar, including Avril Lavigne in the back seat. But no one has an extra seat and as I make my way back up the bus, Sheena has already sat down again. I don’t know what to do but then I notice someone familiar sitting behind Sheena.

At first it’s Samantha and she says very loudly “You know Sheena’s on this bus right? You know she’s pregnant, right?” And I shush her and glance around panicky, and suddenly Samantha is now Marisa. At the pregnant comment, Sheena turns around and says to both of us, “Sssh! I thought I was but I took two tests and I’m not. So be quiet.” I kind of gape at her and I say, “You knew I was on the bus.” And she says “Yes, I noticed you a long time ago.” and kind of turns around angrily.

We are at our destination. Sheena gets out and I follow her, kind of at a loss of what to do. Suddenly there isn’t anyone else in the dream except for us. As we got out of the bus, there’s a long red carpet leading up to some kind of building, probably a hotel. Sheena is a few feet ahead of me and as I take a few steps away from the bus, she turns around and demands, “So why did you follow me? You obviously wanted to talk to me about the situation, right?”

I’m standing there, guilty as hell, and I think about why I really did get on the bus. I realize it as I say it to her. “No…. That’s not why I followed you. I… I got on the bus… so you would figure out who I was, and then you would hit me, and scream at me.”

She looks at me strangely, and asks, “Why would you want me to do that?”

Emotion overcomes me. I can’t help it. I fall to the ground and start crying. “Because. Because if you hit me, and yell at me, and cuss at me, then maybe the guilt will go away. Maybe it will make everything okay. If you could just hate me, then it will justify it all.”

She stands there, shocked. I look up at her and continue a bit calmer. “You don’t understand me, Sheena. I can’t hurt anybody knowingly. When this whole thing started, it was like a part of me shut off. I wasn’t the same person. And then, I had to tell you, and all of me came back, and the guilt. It was so terrible. It’s worse now than it ever was before. It follows me like a shadow. If you could just hit me, and hate me, and wish I was dead, then…. I would get what I deserved, and maybe the guilt would start to go away.”

I sit there crying. The dream ends.

Okay… I know, I know. Fourth entry of the day. Sorry. But technically, it’s tomorrow. So it’s okay. I wrote a poem and had to share. Well, it’s really a song. It actually doesn’t read near as good as a poem. You sort of have to imagine singing it kinda slow and sad, in a Norah Jones-y kind of way. Here it is.

Don’t love me
Don’t ever love me
If you do then I’ll have gotten
What I wanted
And I won’t feel any better
And I’ll know it was all for none

You touch me
You don’t know how you’ve reached me
You don’t know how you see me
You’ve opened up a place
I never want opened again
A place my father built

I love you
Despite the fact that I hate you
For what you did and what you do
For what you will never be
But the love isn’t real
And I’m left with just the hate

How could I ever
Give to someone else
What you gave to me?

The inevitable has happened….

A day that will go down in history….

A day we will all remember for the rest of time…

Lindsey got herself an Xbox. YES! You read correctly. An XBOX. I bought Halo, Ghost Recon, Knights of the Old Republic, a LAN party, and one of the new blue S controllers. Plus my beautiful Limited S… it’s all enough to keep me insanely entertained until… well, until Halo 2 comes out.

I have even BIGGER news, believe it or not. I am an official beta tester for Final Fantasy XI!!! It took forever to get everything downloaded and uploaded and configured, but I actually started playing it today. I saw a couple of other people but I didn’t talk to them and they didn’t talk to me. I killed a couple of hornets and worm thingies and got to level 2. Yay level 2! I don’t know though. It was fun, but it wasn’t really fun. Not like Ghost Recon fun. I heart that game. But still, it’s alright. And as long as it’s free, I’m gonna play it. At least I look cool. I’m a female Elvaan. Everybody say “Yay for elves!” Come on… say it. I’ll give you a minute.

I know you didn’t say it out loud. Punk.

Anyway, so that’s why I haven’t really updated in a while. That and… my life is getting really… stressful lately. sigh At least though… I got my postal test study guide in the mail yesterday. FINALLY. That’s a good thing. Well, except the tests look a lot harder than I expected. But still, not totally discouraged. With lots of practice, I can do it.

Oh, and Peter, thank you so much for your comments. I’m sorry I haven’t been on messenger!! Mainly I just forget to turn it on. But I WILL come up there. Eventually. Promise.

Today Shayna, Sam, and I were helping Shayna’s parents work on the anime/manga/nifty object store. It’s going to be called It’s Your Move. I thought that was really cute. Anyway. It’s so awesome!!! They have dragons and swords and bamboo and anime stickers and DVD’s and soundtracks and wall scrolls and pins and of course, manga. They also have these cool little remote control cars and board games and dominoes and ALL kinds of cards and neat stuff like glowy mouth things (you have to see to understand). It’s all looking very nice and we helped take stuff out of boxes and price it. For payment I got a Chobits laminated poster!! Very nice!! If you can’t tell, I’m very excited about it. I already picked out like eight things I’m going to buy. Oh yeah, and the main attraction of the store… almost forgot… is cards, like Yu-gi-oh and Magic and they’re going to have tournaments and trading and stuff. So it’s gonna be awesome!! A Muskogee first! LOL… that reminds me… Wade came up with the perfect slogan for Okie-ville. They should change those stupid “A Great Place to Live” bumper stickers for it. “Muskogee! Where the men are men and the sheep are scared!”

And on that note, I’m done.

Edit: Oh yes. I forgot a few things. I’m going to be making a new addition to the site. It’s very very exciting and I want you all to be on the edge of your computer chairs in anticipation. I would give a set time that I would put it up, so everybody would be at my site at once and crash it (yeah… all 5 of you), but I probably wouldn’t have it done by then. Oh, what the hay, I’ll just give a time and you’ll be there, and it will be done. So…. how bout…. what’s today? Wednesday? Yes. So… Friday night at… 10:42PM. There we go.

Oh and also, I guess the little playlist thing isn’t bimonthly… since I haven’t changed it. That whole idea is kind of gay anyway. I’m going to do something different. Just so you know.

The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz

Hmm… yes, another one. I just… pleh. I feel really really sort of sad, like… depressed. But at the same time I feel like I’ve taken all the events that are bad right now, and kind of pushed them out of my reach. Not out of sight, just… far enough away that I can be happy in the simple pleasures of life, like comfy pajamas and the solace of my friends, particularly Shayna. I know I’ll have to pull them back eventually, but right now, while there’s nothing I can do, I’m just gonna be happy.

My mom knitted a little cuff-like thing, just for fun, and it looks pretty cool actually. I’ll start a new trend: hand-knitted cuffs. For the punk traditionals.

She said her bones were aching, like a storm was coming. God, I wish it would storm. There’s something about it, when you can feel the tension in the air, the pressure building in time with your adrenaline… it’s like a rush. And then the storm breaks. There’s just something so beautifully tragic about it, like the bittersweet reason we savor breath because it gives us life, despite how hard that life is. If there was a storm, I could just… forget about the guilt and the pain and the hurt and just let go and cry. I feel like I’ve been holding back the floodgate of tears, but every time I’ve tried to cry lately, nothing comes out. It’s like I can’t bear to relive it. sigh I just need a storm.

I’ve been listening to The Scientist a lot in the past few days. Premonistic? Maybe. Does it matter? Not really. Something happened today that really made me take a good look at myself. It’s strange how something completely non-related makes you question how things are going.

I’ve been running away from myself a lot lately. I don’t remember how it started, or why, but it’s almost like alcohol, like an addiction. You start doing it all the time without even realizing it. You live life almost automatically, and you don’t even know it until it’s past, and you look back and realize you haven’t truly been seeing anything. I woke up today. I feel a connection – a love – with myself that I haven’t felt in a long time. I’ve been hiding from a lot of things that I should have been dealing with. But I’m going to start today.

I can’t even really write the extent of what I’m feeling, but it’s kind of akin to a really important internal turning point. I don’t… I don’t even really know what to say besides that. It’s too much.

I noticed that I’ve been so afraid to show much emotion on my journal. I’m not sure why, I’m a very emotional person. Probably from years of other people sending messages that emotion should be kept in check. Anyway, here’s a little personal bit of me… Eric had this long survey thing but I just liked the last part of it. This is sort of like word association, wherein you say the first thing that pops in your head, so go ahead and psychoanalyze me. 😀

I KNOW: plenty of scientific things, hardly anything about life
I WANT: to be happy
I HAVE: everything I need
I WISH: to be the best person I can
I HATE: my father
I MISS: my father
I FEAR: love and happiness
I HEAR: what people are thinking in between their words
I SEARCH: for truth in my own life
I WONDER: if there is any other life out there
I REGRET: getting on the plane
I LOVE: being myself
I ACHE: for something I can never have while living
I CARE: so deeply for anyone that’s hurting
I ALWAYS: feel like the world’s on my shoulders (pre-Eminem)
I AM NOT: weak, passive, or going to be held down in any way
I DANCE: because it’s the only time I truly love myself
I SING: because I breathe
I CRY: when I can’t hold all the emotion inside
I DO NOT ALWAYS: do what I’m supposed to
I FIGHT: because no one else will fight for me
I WRITE: not often enough
I WIN: woah… drew a blank on that one… i don’t win
I LOSE: a part of myself to every person I love
I CONFUSE: myself daily
I LISTEN: as much as possible, and for the things most people can’t hear
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: with a faraway look in my eyes because I’m thinking
I NEED: someone to hold me
I AM HAPPY: when I realize how wonderful life is and that I’m living
I SHOULD HAVE: done so many things differently

Kinda nervous about all those truthful answers… I hate exposing myself like that.