I’ve always felt that I was an ignorant child. Naivete in it’s truest form. When I look back to my state of mind years before, I find that the amount of knowledge I have now greatly exceeds what I knew then, like doors in my mind were closed, locked, and hidden to me. So it’s no wonder that I’m constantly afraid of those doors I still cannot see. Not afraid of the world behind them, but of not discovering them in time. I always feel so knowing in the present, but I can’t help but think how stupid I will seem in this moment to my future self. Ignorance, to me, is the worst thing. But it’s a thing we cannot escape. They say life is a discovery of knowledge through experience, but I’ve wanted to know everything since the day I was born.
The way my mind works is a mystery to me. It’s both emotional and analytical at the same time. Twin guides in my head, telling me their own advice at the same exact time. It’s no wonder I’m so indecisive. Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to learn everything I could about the world. I read every book I could get my hands on. But coinciding with that, I always rememberā¦ feeling. I felt everything. I felt my own emotions, maybe a little too strongly, and I felt what everyone was feeling as well. With all this input into my mind, I can’t believe I didn’t go mad. But somehow, I filtered it. Maybe not the right way, maybe a little twisted, but I coped nonetheless.
Today I’m confused. I feel several opinions just from myself, not to mention the countless others giving me advice. I feel like I truly don’t know anything anymore, about the world or about myself. I think the mind is like a vise, always wanting to close, but when you discover a misconception, it pries it back open a little bit more. I simply don’t want to believe there are bad things and people in the world. But I see them, every day. I don’t want to believe that we are such imperfect creatures, but we are. I feel my faults cracking and sliding over each other every day. And I grow a little colder every night.
I’m not saying there is no beauty in life. Because I see that every day as well. But it’s hard to concentrate on that when terrible is thrust in your face all the time. Add that on top of my own confusion, and it’s difficult to stop becoming cynical. I want the world to be perfect, and just, and fair, but it can never be. And because of that I cry. I cry because I constantly search for my own perfection, I seek it like it’s my Holy Grail, knowing the whole time I will never find it. But I cannot stop searching.
I hate the fact that I am able to hate things about myself. I hate that I will think these present thoughts are stupid in about two months. I hate that I constantly belittle myself and believe that the more I reach for perfection, the more worthless I become. I hate that I cringe because I let other people read my truest feelings. I hate that I believe myself to be so open and yet remain so closed. I hate the fact that I’m afraid to reveal too much in my facial expressions. I hate that I have ever hurt anyone.
I hate that I am lost. That the beginning of another year is just around the corner and I feel like I’ve taken a step backwards instead of forwards. I feel like the journey is still just beginning, but I’m tired from already traveling so far. I’m not even sure of my point in revealing all this, but I just needed to place it into coherent thought. I’m terribly, terribly tired of feeling this way. I keep telling myself that it will pass, that it’s just fleeting, but the more time that goes by the less hope I can still hold. And I cling to hope, and faith, like they are my blood.
How can people fight when we are all so lost? How can we not see that the only thing that’s real, that’s tangible, that we know for certain is each other? How are we so blind? Why do we need to create intangible ideas as an excuse not to connect to others? Why do we try so hard to separate ourselves from everyone else when the opposite is the one thing we desire above all else?
Do one thing for me. Just say what you mean. Say what you truly want in the bottom of your soul. Don’t be afraid, or hold back, because none of that matters. Only truth.
