Author: lindsey

I’ve been sitting at my computer, playing minesweeper, debating on whether I should say what I want to say in this entry. I’m not really sure if I should say anything, and more often than not, silence is the smartest route to take. But when it comes to matters such as these, I’ve never been so much smart as having to say everything I’m feeling at the exact moment I’m feeling it. So I’m going to at least say a little.

Ever since Randy, ever since I’ve been in love and realized just how terrible it is, few people can make me feel. And I’m not talking feeling anything for anybody, I just mean love. Or at least, the promise of the beginnings of love. Some people made me feel for the wrong reasons, and some people didn’t even realize what they were doing. The latter category includes someone I’ve had an infatuation with for a while now. He knows who he is. If not, then this is just me talking, but I like to talk, so okay.

It’s rare that anyone should make me feel. It’s rarer still that anyone should make we want to fall in love with them, knowing as I do what that entails. And yet someone has. And I can’t be with them. I’m not even going to try, because it’s pointless. And that’s nobody’s fault, it’s just the facts of it. But a part of me feels like it must be karma for treating guys badly in the past. Because the reason I can’t be with said person is much like… well, it strongly reminds me of something. It seems to be my just desserts.

I’m not unhappy. I’m not depressed. I’m not miserably pining for this person. In fact, I’m looking to every other option I can so I can forget it ever happened. But I can’t say I’m not disappointed, because I am. It’s okay, though. Disappointment and I are old friends by now. But I am lonely. And a little sad. Because when you like someone, after not liking much of anyone for a long time, you can’t just find another person to replace them. The moment is lost.

I just want to not think about it anymore and get out of here. And that, pretty much, is the purpose of this entry.

I had the most wonderful dream EVER last night. EVER EVER EVER. It was great. So I just woke up completely happy. The sun is shining, the tank is clean…

Plus I got the Pomona and Kyoto trip applications mailed off. Yay. The only one I don’t have done is the Hawaii one, but it’s not due until July 1st. Yay again!

PLUS I was awoken this morning by a faraway visitor. It was Shayna!! I was so glad to see her, and she looks so beautiful. I miss her a lot. She said I could come visit her at the base, though. I think I will on spring break.

I am just so freaking excited. I feel like I’m going somewhere. I was in such a rut for such a long time, feeling like I had no purpose, no direction. Now I feel like a brand-new person. I feel like I was in a cocoon, and now I’m a butterfly! It’s fantastic. I love this. I hope this feeling never goes away.

Today, I have to go see my dad and give him some papers to fill out for Pomona. And then tonight, movie night at Janel’s!! Yay! And Alesha and I are probably going to go dancing afterward. Which means I’ll have to borrow some more money from Mom, but that’s okay, because I got a job. I got really tired of waiting on this higher-end jobs, so I just went back to Carmike. I’ll have money! Yay! Even though all of it is going to pay the bills! Still good, though. I’m excited.

But then I can’t get this dang smile off my face, even though it’s starting to hurt. That might be because I fell asleep listening to my j-pop cd, so I have Yatta stuck in my head. G! R! Double E! N! Leaves! It’s so easy, happy-go-rucky. Sayanora!!!

She doesn’t know who she is. She is an Alzheimer’s paitent. She is fine, at complete peace. She feels the world and is happy. And then she finds out that what she dreads most of all has happened. The worst thing that could ever occur in her world has happened a long time ago and she has been blind to it. Shock wraps her body in layers and layers until they snap. Like a spike through her heart she knows it, through and through. Her tears fall like stones, and she can’t bear the pain. She is lost in her own grief, seeing nothing, feeling nothing. Her hands are over her face. She pulls them away and stares at them, unknowing. They are covered with tears, as is her face. She doesn’t understand. Like the blood from a wound they remain, dripping off her fingers. She racks her brain but doesn’t understand. She desperately wants to know what has caused her so much pain. She looks around to no avail. The tears dry. She leans back, happy with the sun and the birds and the wind in the trees. And she relives her pain, day after day, a terrible discordant pattern of joy and agony, joy and agony, moment after moment after moment after moment…

BLECH! I am light-headed from allergies, sneezing nasty snot all over everything, roaming around my house in a dazed stupor. Not hard to imagine why I didn’t pick up the phone when Adam called. The day tried to begin pleasantly enough. I actually woke up in the span of 8:30-9, instead of 10:30-noon. I ate breakfast and started all my laundry, including my pile of things needing hand-washing that I basically put off until it takes over my closet. So every item of clothing I have is now clean, including all bedding and rugs, excepting the clothes I am wearing and the smaller, not-yet-impending pile of Dry Clean Only. But I feel like crap. I should take a shower. Yes. That would help my allergies, which have already died down from this morning, but my stomach had a bit of acting-up time too. And then I got a Reader’s Digest in the mail (my grandma renews my subscription every year, like it or not) and I was once again reminded of the Columbia explosion, where 7 noble and highly intelligent people lost their lives miles above Texas. Thank you Reader’s Digest. I then proceeded to the computer where, after 20 minutes of internet research, I have diagnosed myself with type 2 diabetes. But I did learn that my BMI (body mass index) is now at a healthy level. (Joy!) Well, actually, it’s barely in the healthy range – 24.5 in a range of 19-24. That may seem over, but the website said it was still healthy so I’m assuming they mean all values of 24 up to 24.99. So HA. And I have a new BMI goal of 21, which will be reached when I am 115 lbs. I am now at 130 lbs, which I still am very proud of because I weighed 153 lbs at the end of my sophomore year of college. See?! I have just completed major weight loss planning, all whilst sitting on my rear staring at a lighted square box. Fantastic.

Ew. I just realized Tyler should be calling for the gym in a little while. Perhaps running will do me some good. Tomorrow I take the toll booth collector test at 9AM. I hope I feel much better by then. Bye-bye, nice people.

By the way, don’t ever watch Intolerable Cruelty. It was dumb. Even George Clooney could not distract me from picking up a magizine in my boredom.

One more thing, Alesha is the best person in the whole world because she bought me a DVD about geisha called The Sea is Watching. I will tell you how it is when I watch it.

That was a really good Valentine’s Day. And I don’t think I’ve ever said that before. The Lonely Hearts Club, being me, Janel, Tyler and Billy, went out to eat sushi and dancing. We originally wanted to go to Fuji’s, but they were all booked up, so we went to a smaller but really great place, Asahi’s. I tried sake for the first time, liked it. The food was pretty good, but they were busy so we were there about three hours. It’s funny, though. We didn’t really notice, we were so involved in discussion. I was actually really surprised when the waiter brought us all free green tea ice cream for being so patient. I hadn’t realized that a lot of time had passed. I did feel a little odd: Janel and I dressed up mightily glamorous in Chinese dresses, with chopsticks in our hair. But nobody else was really dressed up, so… we kinda stood out. No worries though, I was happy walking past every reflective surface I could find so I could see my legs in my zen-like platform heels.

One thing I’ve noticed, this working out lately has really been paying off. The results are slow, but oh so sweet. Even other people are noticing. The other night at Bryan’s Tyler complimented me on my stomach. Of course, you could see my whole stomach, because I’d put my shirt just under my bra and ran through the house declaring “I’m a whore! I’m a whore!” But… that’s a different story. No, I wasn’t drinking. I was just making fun of whores in general.

So anyway, we headed off to Studio 54, which is now Studio 310. Clubs change so fast. Janel and I brought different “club clothes” so we changed in the car and as soon as we stopped in a deserted gravel parking lot, I made a mad dash to pee behind an SUV. (Sorry, whoever you are. Too much tea at the restaurant.) On to dancing!! It was just as awesome as last time, although way too crowded. At one point we got into the VIP room, and Janel and I danced in a cage thing, that was fun. But we got rejected when we tried to go up there later, unless we “got wild and naked.” Wild, yes. Naked, not unless you are a Luke Wilson look-alike. So we braved the grabbing, bumping, grinding, sweaty throng of people on the dance floor. Much better response than last time for me. Probably because I was wearing my strapless top this time instead of my one shoulder. I guess that one shoulder does make a difference. Well, when I say “response,” I really mean “amount of weird scary nasty guys that tried to hump my ass.” But there were a couple of nice guys. I danced with a black guy named Free. “You know, like buy one get one free” he explained to me with a smile. And I kept seeing this tall guy with really spiky hair. I don’t know if it was the hair, or what, but I thought he was really cute. And he was just standing at the edge of the chaos, just kind of looking around. I like quiet guys. Eventually, at the end of the night, I ended up telling him he was really cute and that I liked his hair. I must not have made such a good impression, because he kind of ignored the first part and said, “Wanna feel it?” His hair…. pervs. Anyhoo, “Wow, yeah, very spiky,” and I ran off back to the safety of friends. There was one guy, who strangely enough, just magically appeared dancing with me. I smelled him before I saw him, and he smelled really good, but kind of like Billy, so I thought it was him. I glanced back, and was a little confused. Cute guy, medium height, wearing a hat, not Billy. ‘Well, okay,’ I thought, ‘I’m feeling outgoing tonight, I’ll dance with him.’ So we danced, and he actually wasn’t bad like all the other creeps. So before we left I gave him my number, and he actually called soon after the club closed. His name is Adam, he goes to college in Tulsa, he’s 21. He sounded really nice, so I told him to call me again. Yay! Of course, I’m not expecting much out of it, seeing as how he lives in Tulsa and I met him in a club, but it was nice. It was one of those hopeful, anything can happen, giddy crushes that occur when you know hardly anything about the person. You feel it more because it makes you happy than you’re really interested. But you hope that when you do know something about them, you WILL be interested. And vice versa. Crushes like that have been few and far between for me since high school, and I miss that hope. It makes part of me feel alive again.

After the club, we went over to Andy and Jessica’s to say hi. They were awesome, as usual. As a rule, I don’t ever combine dancing and drinking, which was enforced when we sat by a small pile of what looked like beer puke at the club. Beer puke all looks the same. All two puddles I’ve seen. But anyway, so I’m nauseophobic, and whenever there’s a non-hostile situation like this one, where I don’t have to actually see or hear the puking, but it’s there, I get really giddy, like I should be scared and I’m not. I just kept looking at Janel and pointing at the puke and saying, “Look! It’s puke!” I was really proud of the fact that I was sitting next to vomit and I wasn’t having a panic attack. “Look! Puke!”

So at Andy and Jessica’s, I had a couple of drinks. First, I don’t remember what it was called but it was pretty, and it had pineapple juice and vodka in it and something else, and then I had my first shot of brandy, just because I wanted to try it. Eck. Well, the brandy was actually pretty nice but I hadn’t taken any kind of shot in a long time (I think the last thing I drank was a half-glass of champagne at New Year’s.) so it hit me hard. Nice though. Shortly after we left, and on the drive home I was in a happy stupor looking at the moon, thinking about my crush, and singing Linkin Park. That’s what I call a good day.

In other news, I got a job offer the other day. It’s from the post office actually. In Stilwell, though. It’s just part-time, 16-24 hours a week, but at $17.07 an hour. Very good. I just don’t know though. I would have to get an apartment, and a car, and I’m afraid those things would take all the money, and I wouldn’t be saving anything. Would it even be worth it? I did discover that Tahlequah is equidistant from Muskogee and Stilwell, so maybe I could live there with a roomie or something, and then I could still go to school, and then I would know somebody in the town, and a 45-minute commute, that’s not so bad. Especially if it’s part-time. So if anyone would like to room with me in Tahlequah, that’s something to think about. Just let me know. And I have until November to respond to get an interview (the government is soo slow), so no hurry or anything. I’m taking the toll booth collector test on the 18th, and I still think that if I got that job, I would take it instead. Pays half of the other, but I could still live at home, and save money. And I’m pretty sure it would be full-time.

But 17 dollars an hour though!!! And it’s a government job. That means health insurance, dental, vacation, and after a year, I could transfer anywhere I wanted. But that’s the other thing. If I take that job, I wouldn’t be able to go to school this fall. I want to go back to school and take Japanese and get out of this state so badly. See the dilemma? I guess I have a while to decide. Maybe if I don’t get into Pomona, then I’ll take the job. But I would like the University of Hawaii, the more I think about it, and they’ll more than likely accept me, because they’re not so selective. Arg. My brain hurts. Anyway, there it is. My problem, all laid out. And it keeps going in circles inside my head.

I have good news and bad news. I think I’ll say the good news first. Debbie and Luke are now officially engaged. Yay!! He asked her on Valentine’s Day and she called me right away. I’m so happy! I feel so honored that I was one of the first people she wanted to tell. I heart you Debbie! So yay to them. 🙂

And now, the bad news. Maybe I should have said the good news last to show that life goes on, but we all kind of know that anyway. A terrible thing happened. My friend Josh’s dad died. Josh was one of my high school friends, along with Randy and Jeremy, and even though I don’t really talk to Josh a lot anymore, I still feel really bad for him. And I liked his dad, too. I just keep thinking about how he always assumed Randy and I were together, even way before we actually were, like he could see it. He was just a really nice guy, worked hard for his family, and it’s just a terrible thing. I haven’t called Josh yet because I really don’t know what to say. It’s funny, Randy called me a few days ago with the same dilemma, except his dad was just sick then. But he hadn’t called Josh for the same reason I haven’t, and I told him “He was your best friend for a long time. Just call him. You don’t HAVE to say anything. Just calling is enough.” I guess I should take my own advice. So if any of you knew Josh, or even if you didn’t, pray for him or just send a good thought his way.

It scares me though. One thing Josh and I used to have in common was that our parents had us late in life, so they were older than other people’s parents. I know it’s going to happen eventually, but I don’t want to lose either one of my parents. Nobody wants that. Arg. Life really sucks sometimes. But it DOES go on, regardless of what we do.

What the crap is wrong with me? I am so completely infatuated with the song Toxic. I’m actually starting to like Britney Spears. And something terrible occured to me. I think I’ve actually liked her for a long time!! ACK. I was hiding it from myself. I mean, otherwise, why would I have downloaded all her videos when they came out? I’m a closet Britney fan. Dear. Lord. Save us all. I hate liking mainstream things, it makes me feel ew, normal. And usually I don’t like mainstream things. But there are exceptions.

To completely change the subject, have you ever had an arch-enemy? I’m not just talking a person you don’t like, or that you fight with, I mean like an actual arch-enemy. You know how everything is blown out of proportion in my mind, but I think I actually know what it feels like for comic book arch-enemies. Because there is this person I really hate, I shall call that person M, and it’s not just a deep dislike. It’s like, I’ve found myself in an emotional turmoil as to why I hate this person. I wonder if it’s because I see in them reflective qualities of my own and vice versa. I see the person I could become with just a little slip, just a tiny drop of morality. And I hate that person. But with that hate comes confusion, and doubt, because what if the part of me that I hate so much is actually my true nature? It’s very weird. It scares me.

And today, I saw M. For the first time in a very long time. And M tried to ignore me, much as I tried to ignore M. And at one point, I passed by so closely that, in my mind, it would be very impolite not to say hello. Of course, M was helping our mutual ignorance by looking away as I was close by, but I still had to do it. I was just brought up that way. I said hello and how are you with as much feigned happiness that I could. And M replied very little and very nervously. So instantly I think ‘How rude! M was going to completely ignore me!’ Later though, I realized that the depth at which M had affected me before was completely gone. That had been a long time ago, and I was a different person now. M didn’t seem so big or scary to me anymore, no more a part of myself. M was just a pathetic, nervous figure that had acheived as little as I’d hoped they would.

And later I realized that M was afraid of me. Of course, I had said several things that most likely would get back around to M that would be scary. But somehow the roles reversed. I wasn’t the meek one anymore, scared of the mean bully. Now M is the small one. And if that makes me the bully (which I don’t think it does because I would never actually hurt someone, mentally or physically) then good. Because it’s time I started standing up for myself (without harming anyone). I’m the good, moral, cheer-spreading bully. 😀

Hey there. I have so much to do for college applications that I decided to post a to-do list. So it’s over there, to the right, in that little menu, if you want to look at it. I also updated the Who Am I? thingie. I’m so long-winded. But I think I wrote it well. I was also thinking about posting some of my writings, making a little writing site, but I probably won’t get to that tonight. Ooh, I think I will post a calender though. Sweet. Bye!

The day dawns bright and crisp.

And of course, I was in bed, sleeping through it. Now that I am awake and doing various chores I’ve been putting off, I’m just seeing everything through this fuzzy haze. Like you get when you first wake up and it’s still way too bright. (Although, it’s not bright enough right now. I miss the sun.) But I must wake up. I have to write an essay, and study for a test, and do my laundry, and go to the gym at some point today. Arg. But last night was fun. 😀 I watched Gladiator (really good!) with Chris after massive Halo at Bryan’s, and as usual lately, I got really tired of it really fast. Not so much tired of the game, but tired of hearing “Cheap move!” and “No, that was so unfair!” whenever I kill someone, tired of people acting like babies when they don’t win, and especially tired of the post-game recap. It’s like, hey, we just played a game, let’s talk about it for ten minutes. Of course, I’ve never really liked that. Guys seem to automatically do that, though. In every group I’ve played with. Now I know why there’s so many pre-game and post-game and post-post-game shows. Seems frivolous to me. I’ve kinda been on this efficiency kick lately though. Everything I do, I do it very fast, using as little energy as possible. (Haha, except THAT. Because I haven’t had the opportunity to do THAT in a very long while.) Unlike my mother, who seems to store energy so she can have 10-hour cleaning marathons, usually focusing on the kitchen.

Gah. I better start on the essay.

There are just some things you don’t take for granted. Some things that, no matter how shitty your life seems to be at the moment, the little things strike you and you are held up in their comfort, if only for just a moment.

I made hot chocolate tonight, and when I picked up one of my mom’s beautiful flow blue tea cups, it was still warm from the dishwasher. Ah. And there were marshmallows. It doesn’t get much better when something like that makes you totally forget all worry and anxiety and you think of nothing but the perfectness of it.

That was a while ago, though. I’ve been reading online journals I haven’t read in a while, and that always puts me in a strange mood. Sort of nostalgic, but for the present, if that makes any sense. And very Zen-like. ‘Life is going to work out okay’ and stuff. I cling to those moments.

And for ALL of my friends who apparently have never seen a silverfish in their ENTIRE lives, and have no clue what I’m talking about, which is impossible if they really do live in Oklahoma and don’t just commute from somewhere else, here is a picture of what just crawled up my wall and then fell off halfway. I actually found a few real pictures, but I just… couldn’t.

And just like I said, BILLY, they’re usually found in bathtubs. I don’t know what it is, they just really give me the shivers like no other bug can. I mean, I scream at spiders, but when you see the fluidity of one of these babies walking (or seemingly slithering), you can’t help but think it just seems WRONG in a Twilight Zone kind of way.

Super. I have just learned that there is something remarkably similar to a silverfish, except the little tail thing looks even more devilish, and it is called a ‘firebrat.’ Okay. Somebody needs to die. They’ve created a moving image of one with it’s little antennae and Satan tail thing wiggling around. Dear God. I suddenly need to bathe myself in Listerine.

Anyhoo, on a lighter note, I think I have found my perfect digital camera. I like to do my research on expensive technology, and I picked this one twice, in two different situations, forgetting I had picked it the first time. The first time was online, but the second was in Wal-Mart the other day. The Canon Power Shot A60. (It’s the one on the right.)

Yay picking the same camera. Woohoo! I’m going to bed now. I hope the critters don’t get me. Arg.

Guess what? I actually made The Eric Gallery today! Yay!!! Go to it! Now. And remember, I’m still doing some quote-tweaking-unquote. As I quote myself.

I’m feeling very foo right now. I can’t really explain it. It’s just a frustrated, bored, anxious, impatient feeling I get every now and then. A foo feeling. Hey, I need a foo fighter! Hahaha… ha… cough

It’s really late. I already am tired of this layout. And lately I’ve been doing that weird thing with my mouth that Renee Zellweger does in Chicago. That pfft sound. I haven’t changed my moon calendar to February yet. It makes me feel weird, because I always get really surprised when I’m reminded it’s already February. How am I supposed to be productive and a go-getter when time goes by too fast for my allotted moments of laziness and procrastination?