Hey. I haven’t written about my love life (or lack thereof) in a long time, so I’m going to post this little thing I wrote on September 10th. I think it pretty much sums it up. Of course, names have been changed to protect the innocent (namely me!):
How do you tell someone that you love him? That you’ve been waiting for him your whole life and you knew the instant you saw him that he was the only person for you? How would you even know? Every time I’ve encountered love in my life it’s been a disappointment. There’s the people that mean a lot to me, but there’s no… spark. The kind of relationships that just happen, comfortably. Which can be nice, but… I want the ONE. I want the person that from the first instant you see him, you just know. You just feel it, through your whole body, mind, and heart, and you look at the world completely differently, as though you’re able to breathe and see for the first time in your life. I want that. I haven’t experienced this yet, but I think I’ve come close. There are some people that kind of… match, but they’re not exactly the one. I think I’ve had one of those. It was in high school, and to this day, I still want something to happen between us, and I still think about him a lot. Not only does it feel right, and comfortable, it’s exciting… In Jennifer Lopez and Ja Rule’s song “I’m Real” she says “I can breathe again, baby, now I can breathe again.” This is how I feel whenever I see his face… or hear his voice, or even think about him. Actually, he’s the only person I’ve ever thought about like that… I don’t know what this means, or what God has planned for me, or how life will turn out in the end, but I know I have to be patient, and I know I will find that person someday, whether it be him… or someone I have yet to meet. Right now, I’m feeling lonely. My recent breakup with Randy has left me feeling… lost, alone, scared, like there’s half of me missing. It’s been about 2 weeks, and I’m just now starting to realize that I’m still all here, and I just have to rediscover myself. I’m trying very hard to concentrate on myself right now, but I find that I keep trying to glob on to someone else, which I know is bad. I’m starting to love myself again, and feel complete just with me, but it’s hard not to feel lonely. I just keep having this feeling that God has a perfect person there for me, waiting, but if I make a wrong move, it won’t happen the way it’s supposed to. The other day I heard a sermon that I’m sure was God giving me a message. It was about patience and perserverance, so I’m trying to just sit back and wait. A while ago my friend Emily was telling this story of a woman who wanted love. She prayed to God that when she found her soul mate, she would know because he would give her a blue rose. Some time passed, and she saw a man in a grocery store with a bouquet of blue roses. But she was dissapointed because they were for his wife. (I think. Please don’t quote me on this story, I don’t know it very well.) As he was on his way out, one of the roses dropped, and a man coming in to the grocery store picked it up and gave it to her. And it was him!! Emily made her own blue rose prayer, except she chose one of those pennies with the heart cut out of it, and her fiance Scott was the one that gave it to her. I’ve been wondering lately if I should do this. I wouldn’t know what to pick though. Something rare. Hmm, I think I do know. It just came to me. I just want to KNOW when that special person comes along.
This is kind of how I feel now, but there’s one person I really like, and I don’t know if he likes me, but… I kind of feel that he does. Just a little bit. But I’m going really slow. Extremely. Anyway, bedtime for Lindsey.
Lindsey @ 1:45AM
