Category: Old Blog Archives

Heh. I’m really sleepy. So typing is always good. I’ve been reading Duane’s site. All of it. He’s funny. Strange how I seem to be talking in very small sentences but managed to write that amazingly long HTML link (which you cannot see). Ha.

I forgot to tell you something really funny the other day:
Tony and Lindsey on the way to Return of the King
Lindsey (with Exceptional Nose): and then you take the hamster, and… sniff Uh-oh! Skunk smell!
Tony: Oh no! Let’s have a moment of silence.
Lindsey (pausing for half a second): Anyway, so I was…
Tony: WHAT did I just say?! SILENCE!

And… it was really funny. At the time. Because Tony never yells. Hmm. Did I mention that I saw rockconcerthand during RotK? Seriously, Tony, I’m glad you asked me wether or not you should stand up before the movie and ask everyone to turn off their cell phones BEFORE you did it. 😀

Regarding the previous entry, I think it was rather good. It started out as personal thoughts, and then I thought “Hey… this would make a great beginning to a novel.” But by the third paragraph it was obviously going to become a journal entry. It’s odd… if you look close enough, and have an intermediate grasp of literature, you can see the transition from diary… to novella… to journal entry. Fascinating. Let’s all look over it now.

elevator music… Girl from Ipanema

Super.

I made over 100 cookies today. It’s the first thing I’ve ever made from scratch and they turned out really good! They were Jam Thumbprints, which I stole from the Barefoot Contessa show, which consist of butter, sugar, vanilla, flour, salt, coconut flakes, and raspberry jam… in that order. And then some heat. So if you didn’t already know, they’re everybody’s Christmas present! Yay! And it took far more work, time, and muscle than any other present that I’ve ever gotten for anybody. So appreciate them. And remind me next year to just spend money on you. Laura and Duane and Josh P. and Chris Lee came to see me today!! And they were the first recipients (besides myself) of the Magical Wondrous Lindsey Cookies. And they’re still okay! I think. So that’s good. No, they liked them. I’m so happy I actually got to see them. I miss all my friends. tear I love you, dear ones.

Anyway, probably going to be the last entry before Christmas, so… Merry Christmas! And I’ll bring you a full Christmas report when I get back. Joyeux Noel!

I’ve always felt that I was an ignorant child. Naivete in it’s truest form. When I look back to my state of mind years before, I find that the amount of knowledge I have now greatly exceeds what I knew then, like doors in my mind were closed, locked, and hidden to me. So it’s no wonder that I’m constantly afraid of those doors I still cannot see. Not afraid of the world behind them, but of not discovering them in time. I always feel so knowing in the present, but I can’t help but think how stupid I will seem in this moment to my future self. Ignorance, to me, is the worst thing. But it’s a thing we cannot escape. They say life is a discovery of knowledge through experience, but I’ve wanted to know everything since the day I was born.

The way my mind works is a mystery to me. It’s both emotional and analytical at the same time. Twin guides in my head, telling me their own advice at the same exact time. It’s no wonder I’m so indecisive. Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to learn everything I could about the world. I read every book I could get my hands on. But coinciding with that, I always remember… feeling. I felt everything. I felt my own emotions, maybe a little too strongly, and I felt what everyone was feeling as well. With all this input into my mind, I can’t believe I didn’t go mad. But somehow, I filtered it. Maybe not the right way, maybe a little twisted, but I coped nonetheless.

Today I’m confused. I feel several opinions just from myself, not to mention the countless others giving me advice. I feel like I truly don’t know anything anymore, about the world or about myself. I think the mind is like a vise, always wanting to close, but when you discover a misconception, it pries it back open a little bit more. I simply don’t want to believe there are bad things and people in the world. But I see them, every day. I don’t want to believe that we are such imperfect creatures, but we are. I feel my faults cracking and sliding over each other every day. And I grow a little colder every night.

I’m not saying there is no beauty in life. Because I see that every day as well. But it’s hard to concentrate on that when terrible is thrust in your face all the time. Add that on top of my own confusion, and it’s difficult to stop becoming cynical. I want the world to be perfect, and just, and fair, but it can never be. And because of that I cry. I cry because I constantly search for my own perfection, I seek it like it’s my Holy Grail, knowing the whole time I will never find it. But I cannot stop searching.

I hate the fact that I am able to hate things about myself. I hate that I will think these present thoughts are stupid in about two months. I hate that I constantly belittle myself and believe that the more I reach for perfection, the more worthless I become. I hate that I cringe because I let other people read my truest feelings. I hate that I believe myself to be so open and yet remain so closed. I hate the fact that I’m afraid to reveal too much in my facial expressions. I hate that I have ever hurt anyone.

I hate that I am lost. That the beginning of another year is just around the corner and I feel like I’ve taken a step backwards instead of forwards. I feel like the journey is still just beginning, but I’m tired from already traveling so far. I’m not even sure of my point in revealing all this, but I just needed to place it into coherent thought. I’m terribly, terribly tired of feeling this way. I keep telling myself that it will pass, that it’s just fleeting, but the more time that goes by the less hope I can still hold. And I cling to hope, and faith, like they are my blood.

How can people fight when we are all so lost? How can we not see that the only thing that’s real, that’s tangible, that we know for certain is each other? How are we so blind? Why do we need to create intangible ideas as an excuse not to connect to others? Why do we try so hard to separate ourselves from everyone else when the opposite is the one thing we desire above all else?

Do one thing for me. Just say what you mean. Say what you truly want in the bottom of your soul. Don’t be afraid, or hold back, because none of that matters. Only truth.

They were talking about love. Were they? She knits her brows… she can’t exactly remember. He sits at the computer, looking at her pointedly. He’s pointing at her playlist with the mouse. All the songs are about love. Suddenly her mind is in a panic. Was she deluding herself? She had felt so closed, so protected. She enjoyed the fact that she could push it all out of the way and lock it out of her life. Had she been wrong? Had she really felt she had gotten so far when all this time, she was still obsessed with love? He was still looking at her, only with pity and understanding now. She hated his pity. She hated her confusion. No, this was not right! Not right! She wasn’t still this weak! Hot tears poured down her cheeks and he could only look at her. “Stop…” she breathed, mouth quivering as she futily tried to stop her tears. “I don’t want… your pity. I don’t want… love. I just… ” But she couldn’t continue. She had been sitting on the floor, now she couldn’t help but lean over and bury her face in her hands on the carpet. He spoke: “I know you want to be with somebody. I just… ” He faltered, and she looked up at him. “I don’t want you to love me. I don’t want anybody to love me that doesn’t want to. I want…” She gazed at nothing. “I want somebody to want to love me. Not because I want them to. Because they really want to love and know every single part of me. I need that. Dammit, after all I’ve been through, I still need that.” Her tears slowing, she sat a moment looking wistful and finally whispered, “It’s been so long since I remember feeling anything like that. And memory itself can trick us.” Another pause. “I don’t think… it ever existed.”

Ok. You’re going to think I’m a terrible person. I feel like I’m cheating. But… I have another journal. I know, I know… how could I do such a thing? It doesn’t mean anything!!! Really. sigh I give up. I’m just going to say sorry and hope you’ll forgive me. Here, I’ll link you. 😀

the OTHER journal

In other news, I’m going to see Lord of the Rings tomorrow on IMAX!!! I’m so excited!! Can’t wait!! I need to call Debbie and Mosby. Argh. Will do that right now…. Okay… no answer at Debbie’s…. Mosby answered! Yay! But I woke him up! Oopsie. Well, he’s still at school and not going to be back by Friday night, so I’ll guess I’ll see it w/ Debbie and Mo sometime next week. It’s just me and Tony tomorrow!

Okay, I am WAAY into Rich Girls. I got to see the newest episode today, and it made me so sad!! Ally and Jaime went to London with Ally’s friend Liz, and Jaime and Liz were so competing for Ally’s attention!! And the whole episode was fighting. Terrible. 🙁 I want the show to be funny again. I want Ally and Jaime to stay best friends. sigh I should so be one of their friends. I would be the mediator.

Where is Eric lately? Still off the Internet? I need to give him a ring. I never did get to say happy b-day. Okay, got his voicemail. Are you alive Eric? Are you lying in a ditch somewhere? I’ll find Lassie and rescue you, especially if you’re trapped in the well.

Hidey-ho kiddies. I’ve just finished reviewing my SAR report for NSU next semester. Sadly, I am not eligible for a Pell Grant. I don’t understand!! I’m poor! It’s probably because NSU is still considered a really cheap school, even though they raise the tuition all the time like everybody else. Anyway, I’m only taking two classes, so I’m going half-time, and it shouldn’t be that expensive. I hope. It SHOULD be cheap enough where I don’t need to take out another loan. And then I can continue paying my previous school loan interest free. 😀

Anyway, I’m taking Introduction to Photography and Magical Worldview with Alesha. MW is in Muskogee, but the photography class is in the Quah, so maybe I’ll get to see some of you more often! Yay! That’d be really nice, because I feel like I’ve been neglecting my friends lately because I’m working so much. Aaand… I did something kind of retarded. Jeremy S. called today and said he forgot he loaned me some PSOne games a while ago. Well… I had forgotten too, and I recently traded in a lot of PSOne games and… you can see where this is going. How can I tell him? Well, if he reads this, he’ll know. Sorry, Jeremy!! >_< I’ll pay you back!

Anyway, to all the people that I really should call but don’t have enough time to, sorry. Lots of people have been leaving messages and I don’t have time to call back!! Last night was the busiest EVER at the restaurant, and with my evil cold, I was feeling very woozy the whole night. It was a struggle just to stay focused on walking straight. I thought this morning would be nice and peaceful, but no!! Slammed with an 8-top and a 6-top at the same time. Craziness!!! I’m so tired of working until I could drop. Ech.

So hopefully (pleeease God?) tonight won’t be very busy. I don’t think I could handle it. I’m gonna go eat calzone and take a little nap. Ja ne, minna-san.

Have I ever told you guys how much I adore Ricky Poindexter? Besides his adorable last name (which matches the face, I assure you), he just has to be the nicest, most cuddly person I have ever known…

Did I mention that he knows a whole lot of Japanese? It made me mad at first but now I just bask in the glory that is Nihon-go. Like the Aneka song, he’s my Japanese Boy.

I would like nothing more than to be with Ricky for the rest of my life, enjoying the company of several cats and a few dogs.

Oh… Ricky… He’s so fine…. LMAO… and I’m spent.

How odd. Life, that is.

Anyway, I’ve had not much to do lately besides work and sleep and eat and watch movies. So that leads to thinking. I am happy to say that this writer’s block I’ve had lately is now over!! I haven’t felt creative in so long… and it’s all come back. It’s strange how the brain seems to partition things. Usually I’m not the kind of person to concentrate on only one thing, and then can only move on to something else when I’m finished with that one thing. But that’s what’s been happening lately in several dimensions. I feel… well, that is always a complicated way to begin a sentence. I never feel like I can fully express what I’m feeling, and that’s all I want… is to write it down completely, so that anyone that read it would instantly know exactly what it feels like, in every way. But even at my most creative moments it’s almost impossible to capture something completely. I think that’s why I’ve wanted to take a lot of pictures lately. A picture still isn’t a perfect emotion, because every person sees things differently, but it’s still like capturing a moment.

Part of me thinks this newfound creativity is due to the fact that I have a cold. I always get kinda weird when I have a fever.

I saw the movie The Last Samurai and I completely loved it. It moved me so much. I know that the Japanese culture is very popular now, and almost everyone likes some aspect of it. But when I feel like I’m completely immersed in it… like in the movie and when I read Memoirs of a Geisha, it’s like… I’m in complete awe, and it feels like I’ve come home after being away for so long. It’s like the longing and the joy at the same time. I’m sure lots of other people feel the same way I do. I can’t really explain it, though, and that bothers me. Why do we feel that way? What is it about it? Why do I feel so drawn to its culture like it was my own heritage? I’m not sure that I believe in past lives, but if I did, I would be absolutely 100% sure that I was Japanese.

I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately too. Love, after personal goal fulfillment and spirituality, is the most important thing to me. That sounds kind of funny, but really I want each of those things equally. I really feel like they all tie together. Anyway, this whole period of not being in school has really screwed me up, as I’ve said before. But I really get now how it’s teaching me to look internally. The past few months it’s like I’ve been going through my past… like a review… or something. One that my brain just spontaneously spawned itself through dreams. First I dreamed of Randy, and I started thinking about him, then Justin, then Matt. It wasn’t like I missed them, just seeing them again… reminding… and I got to say what I wanted to them, even though it was just a dream. I wasn’t really sure why all this was coming back up again, but after it was over, I felt… new. Clean. All healed and ready for round 2. Or… 12… whatever. If you can be ready for love. I don’t think anyone can really get ready for that. I think it just takes you by surprise. So, I feel ready, but I still don’t feel like I want it. I actually feel fine… really good about myself like I never have before.

And it just suddenly occured to me that no one besides me would really want to read this… and that I would only really want to read it once… I guess I should be writing for my public. Wait… I’m not a dancing monkey here for your entertainment!!! I do not jump when you ask and change for your every whim!!! This is my website, and I can write anything I want! Of course, I still want you here looking at it. So, um… nevermind.

Arg… I’m still trying to figure out what my one different thing is. You know, the one thing you have that makes you different from everybody else. Because I have wanted to be just that – different from everybody else – really bad lately. I’m trying to buy different clothes than you can’t buy around here by shopping on the internet. Problem is, I don’t have any money right now but I’m having a lot of fun looking. So… as soon as I get some money, you better watch out… HAHA. cough

Kon’nichiwa minna-san!! And how is everybody? I’m doing pretty good myself, because today is my day off. Yay! Even though I’ve been really busy. It seems like I’ve been in the car all day, running errands, but it was rather fun. I WAS going to start jogging this morning, but I didn’t get to go to bed very early last night, so I didn’t automatically wake up at 7 like I usually do. But I hope to start tomorrow. Yay fitness!!

I’ve been reading the Left Behind series lately. Alesha has all of the books that have come out so far, and I’ve been borrowing them from her. It’s really making me want to study the Bible more. Which is kind of strange, because I’ve felt really un-religious lately. And when I say lately, I mean for about a year. But this is good. I think. Anyway, Alesha told me that the next one coming out, #12, is the last one, but on the website it says there’s 14 books. That means I’m probably going to have to wait a long time to finish it. Arg. I also figured out the secret of 216. Yay smarty-pants me. And now I’m being like Gina with all the yays.

I have so much to talk about but it all seems kind of pointless… just, really uninteresting. So, I guess I’ll do what I got on the computer to do in the first place, a little screen-shopping. My version of window shopping… well, I guess you could call it Windows-shopping. Ew. That was a bad one. Ja ne.

Oy. I’m so tired, and I’ve been so busy. Work, work, work. And next week looks even busier. Well, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I know that I did, despite eating waaayyy too much pumpkin pie. I got to see my Betha for a little bit, which was wonderful, but I didn’t really get to see any other college friends. sniff I was thinking about you though. 😀

I think that Shayna has moved to Arkansas. At least I think she said Saturday, which was yesterday. That makes me really sad. I know she was terribly busy and all, but I hardly heard from her. She had a couple of things that were mine, and some I got and some didn’t, but I don’t really care about that. I just wish I could’ve spent more time with her. I hope when she gets all moved in she calls me. hint, hint

My freaking H key is STILL sticky from that drink I spilled two years ago. Arg.

Oh yeah. My number pad is sticky too from Dr. Pepper a few months ago, but I never really use those. You know how on movies, if you spill something on the keyboard, the computer shorts out? That is so not true. I was pouring the pop out of my keyboard and nothing happened. sigh My poor keyboard. I need to get a new one anyway. I typed away the letters on it long ago. Now they’re just faint outlines.

Strange things have been going on with my back. The other day Bryan popped it really well, and it got all tingly and for the first time in my life since I was about 5, I was able to touch my toes. It was great. But it went away the next morning, and today it was hurting really bad so I had Bryan pop it, but it didn’t make me feel that much better. Maybe I should go see a chiropractor.

Well, Sundays are my cleaning days and I guess I better get back to it. I’ll update again when something interesting happens, or whenever I get time again…. whichever comes first. Ciao.

Oh my god Oh My God OHMIGOD!!!!!!!! Okay… I love ER, and I don’t know if you watched it tonight or not, but if you didn’t, I’m going to tell you what happened. Okay, last season, Dr. Romano (major a-hole) got his arm chopped off by a helicopter. Ironically, that’s the last debut episode I’ve watched because it really grossed me out. I’ve seen a few after that on TNT reruns. His arm was reattached, and recently, there was something wrong with it and he had to get it removed, and has a prosthetic arm. Tonight, I had to watch the new one because on the preview, there’s some kind of explosion. So it’s about halfway through the episode, and nothing much has happened. Then Dr. Romano has to take something to the helipad, and I’m guessing he hasn’t gone up there since the accident, because he’s really nervous about it, and as the doors open on the roof he looks really scared and has a flashback. But he’s fine, he comes back down to the ER, and catches one of the med students smoking weed outside the ambulance bay. Little does he know, the helicopter takes off on the roof, but there’s a sudden wind spurt and it spins out of control, first taking out one of the nurses on the roof (my girl from Bend it Like Beckham was okay! Yay!) and then crashing/bouncing off the floor Luka just went to, causing fiery explosions. Then… THEN… poor guy thinks he’s safe from the scary helicopter!!! I mean I know he’s a jerk but this was just cruel!! The freaking helicopter crash lands on Dr. Romano in the ambulance bay!! He notices fireballs of shrapnel falling and looks up, and his last word was an anguished “Noo!!” as he ducks from his inevitable doom. So… sad… And the worst part is, they don’t even know yet. At the end of the episode, a lot of people are wondering where he ran off to, and the last scene is the firefighters lifting the helicopter and looking at the rubble underneath. That’s just terrible. They’re probably going to find pieces of the prosthetic arm or something. sigh I am just way too into this show. And the next episode isn’t until the Thursday AFTER Thanksgiving. Arg.

Anyway, on a more realistic note, I can’t decide if I like my job at Taste of Italy or not. The money’s pretty good, and for the most part, I like the people. But I have this thing about always wanting to please people, and of course you can’t do that, especially in a restaurant, because things go wrong all the time. The job itself is easier than I thought it would be, but I think the stress of it is getting to me. I’m probably being too hard on myself, but… ah well. I’m taking the U.S. Postal Battery Exam on Dec. 11th. It IS in Poteau, but for that much money and a government job, I would so move to Poteau. Stop crying… I would come back for the weekends. 🙂 But anyway, if I even do get a postal job, it wouldn’t be for a while, as slow as the government is. I’m thinking of looking for a full-time job. I’m just confused.

Anyway, I better get some sleep. Night, everyone!

So tired. Just ate a whole Smoky Cheddar Patty Melt from Sonic (I am obsessed with those!!) so very full also. Stayed the night with Alesha last night. Yay! I love hanging out with her. We’ll just watch a movie or sit and talk and talk and talk. It’s great. We went to the Electric Circus last night, first time there for me, and it was really not fun. Icky guys hitting on us, bad music, and nobody dancing. Pleh. We watched Secretary. That is an extremely odd movie but I really liked it. I know… you’re thinking of course I would but it was really because how much you could do for love. It really got me thinking. I want love so bad, and yet any time there’s a sign of it I push it away. The guy in the movie… really reminds me of me. But so does the girl. Each half of me.

Oh yes, forgot to say that I got a new job at Taste of Italy. It’s fun being a waitress! I like it. Okay… at this point nothing would feel better than to sprawl out on my bed and watch a movie… probably Mallrats. So that’s what I’m doing. Ja ne, minna.