I really like/dislike looking at other people’s blogs/journals. I usually find an eloquent person’s link page and peruse to my heart’s content, but I always feel empty and disappointed at the end. Not because their sites sucked, but because MINE does. It feels like high school all over again. It’s one big popularity contest. Now they have this thing called a blogroll. It’s basically a self-updating list of blogs. It just… I don’t know. It’s a good idea, but….
Why don’t any strangers read my site? There are journals out there that are really not so interesting and they get visitors from all over the world. I mean, mine’s not really that interesting either, but I at least expect… I don’t know… comments from really weird people or something. Arg.
And then, I don’t know why, there’s always about three or four bloggers that are from Houston. And not only are they from Houston, but they LOVE to take pictures of this beautiful city that always puts a jagged thorn in my esophagus. I don’t know why. I feel… okay about the situation. Rephrase: I don’t really know if one could ever be okay with their first love breaking it off by moving to another state, falling in love and reproducing in the span of 10 months, but I have ACCEPTED it. I mean, I’m friends with him now. I talk to him on the phone and there is no icky residue afterwards. It doesn’t even bother me to find memorabilia of our relationship anymore. “Hey, a love letter. Huh.” toss But there is just something about seeing Houston that really bothers me. Maybe it’s because the week that I spent there is associated with some of the worst emotions I have ever felt. Or maybe it’s the smog. I don’t know. I just feel pain when I see pictures of it, or read stories about from people who live there.
Hmm. Perhaps my subconscious mind refuses to believe it actually exists. “Houston? No, no silly. You can’t go there… it’s like Atlantis. Or better yet, the Underworld, separated from reality by Death and Death alone.” I’m still not certain that Hawaii exists, for the same reason except on the other end of the spectrum. I don’t think I’ll truly believe in it until my foot hits the ground stepping off the plane. Of course, even then I can’t be entirely sure that it’s the actual Hawaii we see on the map. We’d be going over hundreds of miles of ocean. They could be taking me anywhere. Sometime during the flight (probably with the meal) they slipped me something that transports me to this fictitious universe where people actually get to carry out a lifetime dream. (Really, I feel so lucky to even have this opportunity, even though I was the one to make it happen. I really need to change my mentality to optimism.)
sigh I’m confused. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. Maybe “I’m happy.” Maybe. But that scares me. It always has. Or maybe it’s happiness that’s scared of me. Either way, I’m getting one of those blogroll thingies.
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