Category: ukiyo.net

Have I ever expressed my love of Hooverphonic to you? Well, I love them. Completely. They remind me of Tricky, but I don’t love Tricky quite the same. Sometimes I think the only reason I like Tricky is because he’s the mixed British guy in the Fifth Element.

Halo for PC is sitting right here beside me, and I haven’t put it in the computer. Why you ask? Well, I think it’s two reasons. One, I was going to clear some hard drive space for it so I started listening to all my music to see which I could delete, and I sort of got sidetracked in the music. Two, I’m a little afraid. What if it doesn’t measure up? What if I don’t like it because I’ve been kinda tired of Halo lately? What if my computer doesn’t run it right, or I want to play online and my crappy connection won’t let me do it? So many fears, only one way to find out.

This is very much the way I think. Something that seems to be perfectly fine, I will find things about it to be scared of. I worry from habit, even if everything seems okay. Because I’m always afraid that something’s lurking around the corner, waiting to screw things up. I think that sort of invites it though. Especially in love. You think things are going to screw up, so you pick someone to be with where things will go wrong. A self-fulfilled prophecy. But sometimes (thank god… or maybe it’s my higher self-esteem) you pick someone, almost automatically, without thinking about it or realizing it, that is absolutely right for you. Or seemingly anyway.

What am I saying? I don’t really know. It’s late, I’m tired, and I have access to make a fool of myself. I will say this. I really like Tony. I really don’t know what I was thinking with Matt. LOL… I found a great song that pertains to Matt. My Bad:
“I heard you be stressing, I hope that you really learned a lesson and realized that I was a blessing. You took my kindness for weakness and look at you now.”
“If I had stuck to my original plan, you’d a been a one night stand, my bad. I should have known you could never be true, I should have treated you like them other guys(girls) do.”
Hehehehe. Especially the one night stand part is true.

Anyway, after Matt, Tony is like a breath of fresh air. I forgot guys could be kind, and sensitive, and respectful, and supportive. I really had forgotten. So it’s a little… strange. I’m still kind of afraid of relationships, a little wary, but I’m willing to try. But very slowly. Still gonna worry though.

Download any Freezepop song. They have one called Tracey Gold. That seriously cracks me up.

Okay, apparently, there is NO DECENT FACSIMILE of the outfit Selene wore in Underworld. Argh. Oh, well. Jeremy sent me an e-mail with some… tasty costume pictures in it so I’ve been looking at costumes all afternoon. I think I like this one the best –> click.

Anyhoo, I really feel… strange lately. Probably because there’s no dramatic crisis that has to be averted. It’s nice. But I still feel kind of wary, like one is just around the corner. I had a nice long talk with my mom yesterday about that dream I had, and with Shayna too, and I think I’ve forgiven myself. I feel a lot better, at least. I realize that I did what I could in that situation, and if I’m the only person that learned something from it, well… that’s sad, but… that’s all I have control of.

I’ve been wanting to cook a lot lately… it’s weird. I DID promise Chris a cake a few weeks ago, so I’m going to make that for him… er… well, I said I would tonight but I think it’ll probably have to be later this week. Because yesterday at the store I had an impulse and bought pasta, chicken, and alfredo sauce. And we all know what that means. At least, I hope. Chicken alfredo!! Yay!! The pasta and sauce parts are easy, but… I’ve never really cooked any kind of meat before. So… I know all about washing your hands a lot b/c of salmonella, but… I think I’ll just wait for my mom to get home to tell me. I got a lot of chicken too. Like 4 breast fillets, and I think I only need one for the pasta. We’ll see how it goes.

After that, hanging out with Tony. Yay! And then to work for two hours. Yeah, I still sort of work at GameStop. A bit. And from what Wade told me, those two hours are going to be extremely busy.

So… I think… yeah… I think I might just be… dare I say it… happy. Right now. I feel relaxed, not stressed or pressured in any way… I’m slightly worried about getting a job, but not really since I’ve accomplished a lot in that department as far as looking and applying. Wow… this is nice. I could get used to this. For the first time I feel like I deserve it a little. I’m just gonna enjoy it. Yeah. Isn’t that what sane people do?

Oh God. It’s happening again. It happens every single time I try to clean out my Favorites. I have TONS of bookmarks for sites that I think just look pretty. Or there’s just something about them that you can sort of pinpoint, but not really duplicate and it just PISSES you off that you look at a thousand websites that have this thing and you can’t for the life of you figure out where yours is.

Or maybe that’s just me.

So I’m anal when it comes to designs. This one, currently, is not bad. It was actually very very nice when I first made it. But like all designs I make, after a while your mindset changes. Life is constant change. People constantly evolve and designs become outdated and not good enough. It’s like a sporadic aesthetic revolution.

And it’s happening to me again.

Notice how I push Return a lot to try and add some poetic drama.

OMG. I KNEW seeing Joy would affect me. I knew it I knew it I knew it. Last night I had a dream that was so emotional, so truthful, and so completely what I’ve been feeling and not realizing that I woke up in tears at 5 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep for several hours. I haven’t talked about this at all online, I’ve really been trying not to, but I feel this dream is too important to leave out.

Shayna calls me and tells me that Sheena is leaving. She’s taking a bus to California and all of my friends and family feel that I should follow her to make sure that she’s okay. So Debbie and I think Shayna decide to go with me, and we’ll all wear disguises and sit seperately from each other and be very inconspicuous on the bus.

Sometime later I get to the bus, but I’m late so I’m in a big rush, and I haven’t gotten any disguise! I look like I normally do, but I figure if I can hide well enough it should be okay.

Outside of the bus Matt Parkes is talking to someone that looks just like him, including Muskogee High letter jacket. Not really sure how relevant this is.

I watch Sheena get on the bus and I follow her. The problem is, she’s kind of late too, so she sits right near the front, and there aren’t as many people on the bus as I thought there were going to be. So I have to do a quick spin and sit in the very front seat so Sheena won’t see me. The other problem is, I have no clue where Debbie and Shayna are. I am all alone on this bus, and I have no disguise, no money, and no plan. I should have gotten off the bus right there, but something makes me stay.

So the bus starts off and for a long time nothing happens, Sheena is I think reading and I’m just sitting in my own thoughts. Sheena talks to some people farther back for a little while, and there’s a couple of narrow misses between her and I but I think I’m still unknown.

At some point we pass a little rabbit wind-up toy banging a drum and walking around promoting Hello Kitty items… (yeah, yeah. shh.) A guy ahead of us, which I recognize and Sheena obviously knows, picks up a couple of Hello Kitty visors and I can’t help myself and say “Can I have one?” He smiles and says, “Sorry. It’s for my girlfriend. She loves Hello Kitty.” I notice Sheena kinda glance at me but I think I’m still good. She then proceeds to go talk to the guy and I use the opportunity to go to the back of the bus and see if I can get a more inconspicuous seat. Everyone on the bus seems familiar, including Avril Lavigne in the back seat. But no one has an extra seat and as I make my way back up the bus, Sheena has already sat down again. I don’t know what to do but then I notice someone familiar sitting behind Sheena.

At first it’s Samantha and she says very loudly “You know Sheena’s on this bus right? You know she’s pregnant, right?” And I shush her and glance around panicky, and suddenly Samantha is now Marisa. At the pregnant comment, Sheena turns around and says to both of us, “Sssh! I thought I was but I took two tests and I’m not. So be quiet.” I kind of gape at her and I say, “You knew I was on the bus.” And she says “Yes, I noticed you a long time ago.” and kind of turns around angrily.

We are at our destination. Sheena gets out and I follow her, kind of at a loss of what to do. Suddenly there isn’t anyone else in the dream except for us. As we got out of the bus, there’s a long red carpet leading up to some kind of building, probably a hotel. Sheena is a few feet ahead of me and as I take a few steps away from the bus, she turns around and demands, “So why did you follow me? You obviously wanted to talk to me about the situation, right?”

I’m standing there, guilty as hell, and I think about why I really did get on the bus. I realize it as I say it to her. “No…. That’s not why I followed you. I… I got on the bus… so you would figure out who I was, and then you would hit me, and scream at me.”

She looks at me strangely, and asks, “Why would you want me to do that?”

Emotion overcomes me. I can’t help it. I fall to the ground and start crying. “Because. Because if you hit me, and yell at me, and cuss at me, then maybe the guilt will go away. Maybe it will make everything okay. If you could just hate me, then it will justify it all.”

She stands there, shocked. I look up at her and continue a bit calmer. “You don’t understand me, Sheena. I can’t hurt anybody knowingly. When this whole thing started, it was like a part of me shut off. I wasn’t the same person. And then, I had to tell you, and all of me came back, and the guilt. It was so terrible. It’s worse now than it ever was before. It follows me like a shadow. If you could just hit me, and hate me, and wish I was dead, then…. I would get what I deserved, and maybe the guilt would start to go away.”

I sit there crying. The dream ends.

Okay… I know, I know. Fourth entry of the day. Sorry. But technically, it’s tomorrow. So it’s okay. I wrote a poem and had to share. Well, it’s really a song. It actually doesn’t read near as good as a poem. You sort of have to imagine singing it kinda slow and sad, in a Norah Jones-y kind of way. Here it is.

Don’t love me
Don’t ever love me
If you do then I’ll have gotten
What I wanted
And I won’t feel any better
And I’ll know it was all for none

You touch me
You don’t know how you’ve reached me
You don’t know how you see me
You’ve opened up a place
I never want opened again
A place my father built

I love you
Despite the fact that I hate you
For what you did and what you do
For what you will never be
But the love isn’t real
And I’m left with just the hate

How could I ever
Give to someone else
What you gave to me?

The inevitable has happened….

A day that will go down in history….

A day we will all remember for the rest of time…

Lindsey got herself an Xbox. YES! You read correctly. An XBOX. I bought Halo, Ghost Recon, Knights of the Old Republic, a LAN party, and one of the new blue S controllers. Plus my beautiful Limited S… it’s all enough to keep me insanely entertained until… well, until Halo 2 comes out.

I have even BIGGER news, believe it or not. I am an official beta tester for Final Fantasy XI!!! It took forever to get everything downloaded and uploaded and configured, but I actually started playing it today. I saw a couple of other people but I didn’t talk to them and they didn’t talk to me. I killed a couple of hornets and worm thingies and got to level 2. Yay level 2! I don’t know though. It was fun, but it wasn’t really fun. Not like Ghost Recon fun. I heart that game. But still, it’s alright. And as long as it’s free, I’m gonna play it. At least I look cool. I’m a female Elvaan. Everybody say “Yay for elves!” Come on… say it. I’ll give you a minute.

I know you didn’t say it out loud. Punk.

Anyway, so that’s why I haven’t really updated in a while. That and… my life is getting really… stressful lately. sigh At least though… I got my postal test study guide in the mail yesterday. FINALLY. That’s a good thing. Well, except the tests look a lot harder than I expected. But still, not totally discouraged. With lots of practice, I can do it.

Oh, and Peter, thank you so much for your comments. I’m sorry I haven’t been on messenger!! Mainly I just forget to turn it on. But I WILL come up there. Eventually. Promise.

Today Shayna, Sam, and I were helping Shayna’s parents work on the anime/manga/nifty object store. It’s going to be called It’s Your Move. I thought that was really cute. Anyway. It’s so awesome!!! They have dragons and swords and bamboo and anime stickers and DVD’s and soundtracks and wall scrolls and pins and of course, manga. They also have these cool little remote control cars and board games and dominoes and ALL kinds of cards and neat stuff like glowy mouth things (you have to see to understand). It’s all looking very nice and we helped take stuff out of boxes and price it. For payment I got a Chobits laminated poster!! Very nice!! If you can’t tell, I’m very excited about it. I already picked out like eight things I’m going to buy. Oh yeah, and the main attraction of the store… almost forgot… is cards, like Yu-gi-oh and Magic and they’re going to have tournaments and trading and stuff. So it’s gonna be awesome!! A Muskogee first! LOL… that reminds me… Wade came up with the perfect slogan for Okie-ville. They should change those stupid “A Great Place to Live” bumper stickers for it. “Muskogee! Where the men are men and the sheep are scared!”

And on that note, I’m done.

Edit: Oh yes. I forgot a few things. I’m going to be making a new addition to the site. It’s very very exciting and I want you all to be on the edge of your computer chairs in anticipation. I would give a set time that I would put it up, so everybody would be at my site at once and crash it (yeah… all 5 of you), but I probably wouldn’t have it done by then. Oh, what the hay, I’ll just give a time and you’ll be there, and it will be done. So…. how bout…. what’s today? Wednesday? Yes. So… Friday night at… 10:42PM. There we go.

Oh and also, I guess the little playlist thing isn’t bimonthly… since I haven’t changed it. That whole idea is kind of gay anyway. I’m going to do something different. Just so you know.

The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz

Hmm… yes, another one. I just… pleh. I feel really really sort of sad, like… depressed. But at the same time I feel like I’ve taken all the events that are bad right now, and kind of pushed them out of my reach. Not out of sight, just… far enough away that I can be happy in the simple pleasures of life, like comfy pajamas and the solace of my friends, particularly Shayna. I know I’ll have to pull them back eventually, but right now, while there’s nothing I can do, I’m just gonna be happy.

My mom knitted a little cuff-like thing, just for fun, and it looks pretty cool actually. I’ll start a new trend: hand-knitted cuffs. For the punk traditionals.

She said her bones were aching, like a storm was coming. God, I wish it would storm. There’s something about it, when you can feel the tension in the air, the pressure building in time with your adrenaline… it’s like a rush. And then the storm breaks. There’s just something so beautifully tragic about it, like the bittersweet reason we savor breath because it gives us life, despite how hard that life is. If there was a storm, I could just… forget about the guilt and the pain and the hurt and just let go and cry. I feel like I’ve been holding back the floodgate of tears, but every time I’ve tried to cry lately, nothing comes out. It’s like I can’t bear to relive it. sigh I just need a storm.

I’ve been listening to The Scientist a lot in the past few days. Premonistic? Maybe. Does it matter? Not really. Something happened today that really made me take a good look at myself. It’s strange how something completely non-related makes you question how things are going.

I’ve been running away from myself a lot lately. I don’t remember how it started, or why, but it’s almost like alcohol, like an addiction. You start doing it all the time without even realizing it. You live life almost automatically, and you don’t even know it until it’s past, and you look back and realize you haven’t truly been seeing anything. I woke up today. I feel a connection – a love – with myself that I haven’t felt in a long time. I’ve been hiding from a lot of things that I should have been dealing with. But I’m going to start today.

I can’t even really write the extent of what I’m feeling, but it’s kind of akin to a really important internal turning point. I don’t… I don’t even really know what to say besides that. It’s too much.

I noticed that I’ve been so afraid to show much emotion on my journal. I’m not sure why, I’m a very emotional person. Probably from years of other people sending messages that emotion should be kept in check. Anyway, here’s a little personal bit of me… Eric had this long survey thing but I just liked the last part of it. This is sort of like word association, wherein you say the first thing that pops in your head, so go ahead and psychoanalyze me. 😀

I KNOW: plenty of scientific things, hardly anything about life
I WANT: to be happy
I HAVE: everything I need
I WISH: to be the best person I can
I HATE: my father
I MISS: my father
I FEAR: love and happiness
I HEAR: what people are thinking in between their words
I SEARCH: for truth in my own life
I WONDER: if there is any other life out there
I REGRET: getting on the plane
I LOVE: being myself
I ACHE: for something I can never have while living
I CARE: so deeply for anyone that’s hurting
I ALWAYS: feel like the world’s on my shoulders (pre-Eminem)
I AM NOT: weak, passive, or going to be held down in any way
I DANCE: because it’s the only time I truly love myself
I SING: because I breathe
I CRY: when I can’t hold all the emotion inside
I DO NOT ALWAYS: do what I’m supposed to
I FIGHT: because no one else will fight for me
I WRITE: not often enough
I WIN: woah… drew a blank on that one… i don’t win
I LOSE: a part of myself to every person I love
I CONFUSE: myself daily
I LISTEN: as much as possible, and for the things most people can’t hear
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: with a faraway look in my eyes because I’m thinking
I NEED: someone to hold me
I AM HAPPY: when I realize how wonderful life is and that I’m living
I SHOULD HAVE: done so many things differently

Kinda nervous about all those truthful answers… I hate exposing myself like that.

I really really really like The Scientist by Coldplay. Like, a lot. I heard it at the VMA’s and I thought, hey, good song. But then I really listened to it the other day. Dear lord I love it. It’s sad though. Definetely a break-up song. Or a death song, if you go by the video. The thing I love about Coldplay is that it puts you in another world. Well, at least it does me. I always feel like I’m floating in a dream when I hear it. Okay… that sounded a little weird, maybe I should stop talking.

Okay, but Trouble? The first time I heard that song it was like magic. The intro started playing and my eyes instantly glazed over. I just knew then, it was one of those moments where the music starts, your soul mate walks in the door, and you lock eyes for the very first time and just both… know. Of course, nobody walked in the door the first time I heard it. Well, someone did, but it was my Humanities teacher, and… no. I still have hope though! I’m going to be hearing that song and all of a sudden… there he is.

The Scientist actually makes me think about Randy. But in a good way. It’s hard to explain. I’ve come a long way from getting over Randy. It was hard, but I did it. I used to get this terrible sadness. But now, it’s just like a faraway dull ache. And that’s good. That means I can still think about the good times… sometimes, when I need to. And another good thing is that I don’t think about only Randy when I hear the song. That’s just a tiny part of it, but the rest it just feels like… I don’t know, I just think about the whole process that is love.

And now I’m not making any sense. As usual.

After Randy… and Eric… and Justin… and getting my heart broken I don’t know how many times over, I was so scared of love. I’m still scared of love. “Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.” I don’t know though. You can be hurt and keep the bad feelings of love fresh in your memory, but there always comes a point where you miss the good things. Holding hands for the first time… getting lost in someone… going about your daily business and just suddenly remembering that there’s someone out there that really cares for you… people need each other, that’s just human nature.

So am I ready for love? I don’t think any of us ever are. But I think love has a way of making you ready. You just… dive into it, despite all your past grievances and your fears. When you’re coming out of love, it’s hard to remember that it has beauty and grace when you begin it. Maybe I have this love at first sight thing all wrong. Maybe that’s not how you know your soul mate. Maybe your soul mate is the person that you can love forever and the grace and beauty never leave.

Hidey ho. And how is everyone? Greeeat. I’m great. Except I have to go to work today. Blech. Becky and I went to Edgefest Sunday and it was awesome! We did a whole lot of shopping beforehand too. We made it just in time to see Revis, Cold, Mudvayne, and Evanescence. Revis was okay, I actually like their music. Cold was okay too, Becky’s more of a fan there. Neither of us really liked Mudvayne but let me tell you, I didn’t realize that Mudvayne is make out music. You wouldn’t think, huh? But as soon as they started playing, couples started molesting each other all over the place. There was a ton of people there, mostly in major categories. You had your normal(haha) people like Becky, Tyler, Alyssa and I. Then there were the potheads… and there were a lot of those. And of course, the wanna-be goths and the actual cracked-out goths. And then in smaller categories you had the old geezers, including one that kept yelling “Rock and roll!!” and danced the whole time, the CHILDREN… yes, there were children there… that really surprised me. And then the high school kids that do crazy shit just because. There were actually a few babies there too, which wasn’t good with all the weed in the air. One baby actually had a mohawk. That was cool.

Anyway, Becky and I met up with Tyler and Alyssa and walked around a while. I bought an Edgefest T-shirt. Tyler and Alyssa wanted to get up real close for Cold, but I was exhausted from all that shopping, so Becky and I sat near the back for that and Mudvayne. And then… Evanescence played. Right after Mudvayne was finished, Becky and I started making our way closer to the stage and miraculously, we found Tyler and Alyssa. So we scrunched up until we were about 30 feet from the stage towards the right, and then we waited… forever… with a lot of large, pushy, really sweaty guys bumping up against us. Ew. It was really hot, and really noisy. But then Evanescence came on and everybody freaked out! Amy Lee looked so cute, she had on a pink dress with PUNK written all over it, but she got rid of that later for a black tank top. And their stage looked way better than at their last concert. They had these big pipe things that had smoke coming out of them, and the Evanescence E hanging up and on all their speakers. They played all their songs, most of them with different intros and slightly different guitar parts. Their songs sound so much better since evolving from the album. Then they played Bring Me to Life which I had to let Shayna hear via cell phone. There was crowd-surfing going on, and it was really scary because people were getting hurt right and left. There were a couple crowd surfers that got knocked unconscious and had to be carried off, and Tyler told us that before we got there, some guy that had his ear cartilage pierced got it torn halfway down his ear from getting kicked. So since I was the shortest person in a 10-foot radius, everytime a crowd surfer came by I would just cower and let the tall people take care of it. Becky was protecting me. 🙂 There were a couple of times everybody got pretty knocked around though. I remember dodging through stinky bodies at one point to avoid getting knocked over.

But all in all it was awesome. The last song they played was Imaginary, but of course they came out again and played My Immortal, and it went all rock in the middle which was very cool. And then they did the coolest thing! Amy Lee left the stage for a little bit and Ben said they needed someone who could sing Metallica and if they fuck it up they’re getting kicked off the stage. So the first guy came up, and dear lord they were good at playing Metallica. But the guy sucked so they got another one, and he was really good. So they played like four Metallica songs and then… I think it was either then or earlier, they played a Smashing Pumpkins song and Amy Lee sang. They did that at the other concert too. Wait yeah, that was earlier. They played something else for the very last song but I can’t remember what it is. Arg.

Anyway, Becky and I got on the wrong highway so it took us forever to get home, but it was great. That was the first time either of us had been to Edgefest, and I have to say that it was not a bad experience.

Okay. Playlist is officially up. Downloading varies depending on your computer speed. I have low-speed DSL and it took about an hour, but I was also making adjustments to my website and downloading from Kazaa as well. I hope you enjoy the music! I want to hear feedback about what you think!!